Infomercials I Just Don’t Understand – Don’t Get Me Started!

Long have I sat through many an infomercial, sometimes being close to being convinced that I simply had to have the product the out of work actors were hawking late at night. I came close to needing the containers that held everything like Tupperware but squished down to accordion sized discs for easy storage. As I would watch, almost being lulled into a commercial coma of sorts I started thinking about where I would put the 35 piece set because even if it squished down a lot, it would still take up space. Then I started thinking about the ridges that made it able to squish down, no doubt pieces of food and whatnot would get stuck in these ridges causing me to need a toothbrush or something to clean them properly. Before they were done convincing me I had to have it, I had talked myself out of it. That’s an example of an infomercial I get but what I don’t get are some of the new ones on television. Infomercials I just don’t understand – Don’t Get Me Started!

Can anyone explain to me who has so much gold that if you melted it down you could get any decent money from it? I can see where rappers who no longer had careers might be able to use a service like this but for us common folk, is there really that much “unwanted” or “broken” gold in our jewelry boxes that we would send it away to someone we don’t know with no way to verify how much was in it when we sent it and expect to see returns enough to buy that new car? I simply don’t get it. It seems like a major scam that’s on national television to me but I guess if you’re literally worth your weight in gold then this service is for you. I just have this vision of women taking those big what I called “Shaleema” earring and putting them in the magical pouch then sending it off in the big GOLD INSIDE package and expecting that it will get to its destination and that what comes back will be worth the time, energy and loss of a style of jewelry that should never have started in the first place. What many may not know is that these earrings while looking really heavy were usually hollow so as to not pull someone’s ears down to their knees and also to make them more affordable. So really, how much gold are we talking here.

Another one I don’t get is all of the ones for the Wonder Woman belt that makes your abs contract until you end up looking like “The Situation” from Jersey Shore. We all know that they go around and hire people with fabulous bodies all ready and then just strap the contraption on them making you think that the contraption is what gave them those washboard abs, right? Trust me when I say that I would like to just sit watching television and have an electronic belt do all the work to make me “ab-er-riffic” but come on, who are you morons who believe this and order it? Plus, if you’re like me, your stomach is where you carry all your excess weight (if there really was a God, he would have made it that when you gain excess weight it would go to your penis size and biceps but no, damn you God for making me a pot-bellied bear instead) so if you have layers of fat on your stomach how is the electrical current actually going to get to your abs to make them rock hard granite, huh? I mean, think about it, have you ever gotten up to find that something you were eating had fallen on your stomach? You don’t notice it until you stand up and then there are those three chips  and an M&M you had no idea where they’d gone that suddenly jump off of you like a priest who is discovered with an altar boy in his rectory! The electrical current that has to penetrate all that fat would have to be roughly the same as taking your hair dryer in the bathtub with you to get to your abs to do the supposed toning these contraptions are supposed to offer and who cares if you have great toned abs if you’ve got fat covering them? Let’s face it, to have this thing work you’d need to have a pretty blank canvas – an out of shape but no body fat abdomen in order for it to really work.

The thing about all of these infomercials is that there’s always a part of me that gets suckered in a little bit. I watched the new whatever they’re called, “Make Me Skinny” jeans for women and wondered if I could get them in my size. Never mind that it’s just a girdle that sucks everything in, causing your internal organs to atrophy while your fat comes up over the waistline “bubbling crude” like the oil Jed Clampett found when he was shooting for food, you actually look as though you’ve lost three pounds and for some, that’s enough.

Look, I’m just as big a sucker for a good marketing campaign than everyone else. I almost convince myself time and time again that these are things I actually need. I just thank God that I’m as jaded as I am so that I never actually give these people my credit card, even though they’re offering two sets for the price of one and I’m only paying shipping on the tool that makes radishes into rosettes. And let’s face it, if you’re like me , a plate never leaves my kitchen without a radish rosette (he said rolling his eyes and the words dripping with sarcasm from every pore). Not to mention the egg separator that comes with that vibrating needle to scramble the eggs in the shell, I have a feeling that people have used that thing not for its intended purpose if you know what I mean and I know that you do. I’m not saying I won’t stop watching them but I’ll still say there are a ton of infomercials I just don’t understand – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Should I Be Worried That The Nurse Told Me She Learned It By Watching The Television Series House? – Don’t Get Me Started!

I had to go in and get one of those tests that I’m not really sure what it was all about but having been a “rule-follower” for all of my life, I drank the 32oz of water and then rushed to the doctor’s office while trying to not have an accident or do the “pee pee dance” too much in the waiting room. The nurse administering the test was friendly and knowledgeable but as she was telling me these little known facts (at least not known to me) about my organs she then told me that she had learned this from watching the show, “House.” Should I be worried that the nurse told me that she learned it by watching in the television series, House? – Don’t Get Me Started!

I have to say that the nurse seemed highly capable of her job and went to work straight away (probably knowing that this was not going to be like changing a baby and hoping they didn’t pee on you – should she hit me at the proper angle, there was no doubt going to be a perfect storm of pee) and I appreciated that her bedside manner was better than any I had experienced in recent years. She told of her family, her this and her that in an attempt no doubt to distract me from the fact that all I could do was think of waterfalls and trickling brooks or fountains. I also appreciated that she was telling me about the procedure and why she was doing what she was doing as she was doing it. But as she asked me to take a deep breath and hold it for the third time was when she came out with the information that the reason she was doing this was due to something she had seen on House. I must have had a look on my face that said, “Um, excuse me but could I see your nursing degree immediately before you touch me again with your rubber gloved hands?” She quickly said that she had learned it in nursing school and was just impressed that they had included it on an episode of House. Yeah, right. Listen lady, the damage had been done. Or had it?

As I laid there shifting from position to position, doing anything that was asked of me, I thought maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe it was a good thing that this woman loved her profession so much that she watched television shows about it too. Maybe she soaked up everything she could medical and here I was reaping the benefits of it. After all, isn’t it a good thing that there’s something happening on television that’s educational that doesn’t have a voiceover of some guy who sounds like he’s on quaaludes? Plus, let’s face it the days of shows featuring doctors who are just sort of miming “look at me, my hands are in this patient operating” are over – there are medical experts who just sit on the set all day and tell the actors that they’re not holding the forceps correctly or what have you. So suddenly I began to feel better about the whole situation and could really listen to what she was telling me about her kids and life in general.

And as the test came to a close and she walked me to the restroom to pee like I was in the stage musical version of the original Austin Powers movie when he’s unfrozen, I started to feel better about things. While there are certain professions where I would question a professional in that field quoting movie or television show information as their source (I don’t know that I’d ever feel comfortable with a lawyer telling me that he’s using a line of defense he saw in Legally Blonde however I would feel okay about him using something from Law And Order) I began to realize that the days of seeing medical professionals as some sort of Gods has passed. I’m not sure if it’s better that we know that our doctors and nurses are just human beings or not but there’s no way to stick our heads in the sand on this one. We must accept that there will be good ones, bad ones and some who learn stuff about their profession on television. Should I be worried that the nurse told me that she learned it by watching in the television series, House? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Repulsed By The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repeal Opposition – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’ve written about the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy more than I care to remember. There’s a large part of me that doesn’t get why we’re still talking about it or more to the point dealing with it. I appreciate that Obama announced in his State of the Union speech that this policy will be done away with this year but as I’ve noted before, he can’t make anything happen on his own and as long as the religious right and good old boy white man network runs our country I don’t think the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will go down without the conservatives trying to make everyone think that allowing gays to serve openly will cause civilization as we know it to collapse. Repulsed by The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell opposition – Don’t Get Me Started!

Like anything else, marketing is the key here. The conservatives have to frighten their followers to think that the gays want this policy revoked so that they can have sex with the young boys that apparently only conservative white people are sending out to defend our country. They have to create enough fervor and hate that it will trickle down to Bubba who flunked out of high school that the military is trying to recruit in a repressed neighborhood’s Wal-Mart parking lot. They have to create the fear you see to gain power over these people. They don’t call themselves, “God fearing” people for no reason. They’ve managed to keep their minions in line for years with fear and this will be no exception.

The other key issue here is money. They don’t want us gays to get the same rights as citizens so they sure as hell don’t want to see our gay spouses joining us at the PX to stock up on supplies. And more importantly, they don’t want us getting health benefits from our spouses or cashing in when they die. Don’t forget that we still don’t have equality in civilian life so if they start treating all of the military fairly how long will it be before we can hold that up and say, “Um, excuse me, I pay taxes, why should my spouse be treated differently than how military spouses or any spouse for that matter are treated?” They say that it’s going to cost so much more money because of all of the spousal benefits that they’ll have to extend to which I say, “Come on do you think we’re that stupid?” What about Bubba and his teen bride who has six kids from different babies’ daddies that have only known one another for three weeks before he shipped out? You pay out spousal benefits proportionately to the people you enlist. Just like any company. If they hire forty people, sure they could look to discriminate and make sure everyone was single so that they wouldn’t have to pay spousal benefits but in a normal circumstance, the more people you hire, the more people are likely to have spouses who should be included in the company’s benefits policy. It’s a cost associated with doing business, get over it.

And what of the talk of needing separate showers and barracks for gays that some are saying are going to be required to let gays serve openly? I’m sure they’ll talk about how much money it will cost the taxpayers. I think separate anything is stupid. When do we get our pink triangle badges, Mr. Hitler? When do we get the gay water fountains too? We saw how great that worked out for the African Americans so why go there? Why go there? Because too many of the closeted conservatives spend way too much time watching gay porn where a barracks suddenly becomes an orgy where everyone’s foxhole is filled that they’ve deluded themselves that this is how gay barracks life will be. Life doesn’t imitate porn people unless you pay a prostitute. No handyman is coming to your house wearing coveralls who asks you to hand him his wrench in his pocket and it turns out to be his fourteen inch dick. In real life two women aren’t ever washing their cars when all of a sudden they spray each other with water and start making out. While this may be the stuff that fantasies are made of it isn’t real life people.

There are enough things in life that make me crazy, I don’t need anything else added to the list right now so what we need to do is look at one another as human beings and understand that homosexuality has nothing to do with how we do our jobs, it’s who we are. Sure it influences our decisions because thanks to ignorance and discrimination we have to consider where we buy our home or where we shop so that we don’t get killed just for living our everyday lives but it doesn’t mean that we’re all sex addicts. We’ll leave that to the celebrities trying to clean up their image like Tiger Woods. And while we’re on the subject of images please stop trying to paint all homosexuals with the same brush. We’re not all Charles Nelson Riley and were not all Vin Diesel either (I’m not saying Vin Diesel is gay, just using him as a stereotype people, don’t get nervous boys). We like snowflakes and all human beings are a unique creation of genes and molecules just like the rest of you so stop all ready with the limp-wristed portrayal that only makes you look stupid. Stop with all the fear people. And think about it this way, if people didn’t have to hide their sexuality to be treated with dignity and respect you wouldn’t have as many of your priests and preachers marrying your women and having sex with men on the side causing you to have to try and pay the gay sinner who supposedly corrupted your holy man “hush money” and cause you embarrassment and worrying you that you won’t rake in as many millions this year from your “congregation” which consists of a bunch of morons sitting at home on unemployment giving money to the church instead of getting their hair done and going out looking for a job. While you sit in your religious ivory towers that hate and fear built you’re going to discover that you can’t fool all of the people all of the time and that the foundation is starting to crack. You’ll also find that that handyman you called to fix the foundation just might have a fourteen inch dick in his pocket instead of what you think is a wrench. But I doubt it. Repulsed by The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell opposition – Don’t Get Me Started!

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How Will They Ever Tackle The Repeal Of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – Don’t Get Me Started!

This will be one of my quicker rants but I just can’t take it anymore. All of the Internet and CNN has been broadcasting it all day. Military leaders were told by Obama in his State of the Union that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell needed to go away this year and today the top brass echoed the sentiment but now everyone is starting the typical game that comes when people don’t want to do what they know they have to do, they’ve started making excuses. They want to study it, dissect it and figure out a “proper solution” that won’t impact the morale and tradition of the military. Are you fucking kidding me?Everything you read makes it sound as if this is the hardest thing the military has ever faced, using words like “tackle the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell situation.” How will they ever tackle the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – Don’t Get Me Started!

It seems to me that the military is based on rules that must be obeyed to the letter or else you get thrown out, right? Isn’t that what they claimed they did when they threw out all of the soldiers who were reported as being gay by one of their fellow soldiers or from some other source? The soldiers supposedly asked or the told so they were thrown out, period. So explain to me why it’s any different for them to say that the rules have changed, being gay will no longer be a reason to not be able to serve in the military. Should anyone be found to be harassing or doing anything to any other soldier (be they gay, straight, red headed or whatever) you will go through a complete investigation and should you be deemed as committing a crime you will be persecuted like anyone else under the hate crime laws. End of story.

No, suddenly the old white boys’ network is worried about the mental health of the straight soldiers having to serve with gays. Since when are they interested in the emotional status of anyone? Have they done anything about the increased suicide rates in the military? Did you know that the government didn’t send condolence letters to families of military who committed suicide until Obama changed that?  They’re not worried about the mental health of the other soldiers, they’re just interested in finding a way to delay or avoid this altogether, well guess what? You can’t continue to have this inequality exist in the military anymore, your Commander in Chief said so, so get on it and don’t tell me you have to wait and figure out what you’ll do about spousal benefits and everyone’s feelings. Bullshit. Give the order and then enforce the order like good soldiers. There’s no whining in the military…or is there?

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Does Anyone NOT Have A Month At This Point? – Don’t Get Me Started!

As I was sitting there mindlessly watching the RuPaul’s Drag Race marathon on Logo Network the other day there was a commercial that the winner of the competition did letting us know that in the US, January was National Drag Month. She was doing her commercial to promote an Inter-National Drag Month but as I sat there on the last day of January having just found out that National Drag Month had come and gone, I couldn’t help but wonder does anyone NOT have a month at this point? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Read my interview with RuPaul here… http://hubpages.com/hub/RuPaul---The-Some-Like-It-Scott-Interview)

Being as I call myself a “garden variety gay” I’m not sure what I would do for National Drag Month had I known sooner but I did feel a sense of letting my community down when I learned that it was all ready over before I knew it began. Then I began to think about the  fact that February is Black History Month (and still not completely convinced this wasn’t something decided on by white men who gave the African American community the shortest month in the year regardless of freaking leap years or non-leap years) and realized that although I have been in a relationship with a black man for these past twenty-one years, I hardly think I’m going to dress up like Harriet Tubman and  we’ll reenact the Underground Railroad in our living room for our cats and anyone who can see in the windows to celebrate. So I began to wonder just what these “months” really mean and if they hadn’t lost some of their meaning over the years that I’ve been aware of them.

I understand that Hallmark created a bunch of silly holidays to sell cards (Sweetest Day? Are you kidding me? What the hell is this holiday even about and is it subsidized by the sugar industry?). And if you’re looking for me to tell you why these “months” of “celebration” were started, I’m sure you’re not going to find it in this blog. But more than anything I began to wonder if we shouldn’t just rewrite as many books as we can to include all of these cultures and then do away with the month that supposedly represents and celebrates them being less repressed than they were twenty minutes ago in our culture (supposedly). Isn’t it time that we started teaching kids that next to Admiral Peary’s side discovering and tackling the North Pole for the first time was a black man named Matthew Henson? (I can only cite this from the musical Ragtime though my partner assures me it’s accurate) My point is that just like when Lucy did something crazy on the I Love Lucy show, I think it’s time for all of the ethnic people in America to say to the textbook and history writers of today, “You got some ‘splaining to do.” You have a duty to explain in your school and other books that the world wasn’t created all by white men and that the world today doesn’t view the white man as the standard for all other men. It’s like when we go into these other countries and then get all bent out of shape because they’re not jumping with joy about us cramming our brand of freedom down their throats. I think there’s a ton of ego involved here and frankly with the way we’re currently running with debt and unemployment here in the US perhaps we don’t know everything. (Shocking, right?)

So while I understand that the minorities in this country long to be accepted and probably created these months as a way for that particular minority to feel “just as good as” or “celebrating their culture for the masses to see” I wonder if we all don’t need to just start getting smarter and realizing that we as minorities need to be celebrating ourselves every day. It’s a little like Chris Matthews proclaiming that for an hour and a half he forgot that Obama was black during his State of the Union speech. For too long we’ve all tried to blend in instead of celebrating our differences and embracing them. So instead of creating a month, I say let’s start seeing and accepting people for who they are, let’s take the good with the bad. And please don’t expect me to be flattered when you say, “I don’t think of you as Jewish” or “I don’t think of you as gay.” I want you to think of me as both of those things because that’s what makes me as fabulous as I am. I don’t think everyone else should be a Jewish gay man (okay secretly I do a little bit) but please don’t hold up the white middle class straight men as some sort of standard to me because haven’t you white people learned how quickly they disappoint, hello John Edwards. Let’s start rewriting history books and our own. Let’s not try to be Plain-Bellied Sneeches, trying every way we can to become like the star-bellied Sneeches from Dr. Seuss who had “stars upon thars” and thought they were something special until the Plain-Bellied Sneeches figured out how to get stars on thars too. Let’s realize that plain or starred it’s more interesting a life, society and world when we’re not all the same. Meanwhile, who do I talk to in order to get a Gay Jewish Man Month? Does anyone NOT have a month at this point? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Does Spring Cleaning Have To Wait Until Spring? – Don’t Get Me Started!

I know it’s traditional to wait until the seasons change to take what you’ve not been wearing in your closet and get it out of your life. But as February begins and I have a hankering to begin to sort through, sort out and sort of get rid of those things in my life that wear me down (the list includes clothing, tsochkes and mental crap), I have to wonder, “Does spring cleaning have to wait until spring?” – Don’t Get Me Started!

A marathon watching of Celebrity Rehab the other day got me to thinking about the fact that I think we’re all addicted to something. Some of us have addictions that are detrimental to our health and those around us and some are addicted to being so healthy they end up working out every minute of every day and/or only drinking organic juices from berries that were never mistreated until they’re so anemic looking that all you want to do is spray tan them or buy them their fangs for the vampire lifestyle they seem to be so ghoulishly suited for with their so-called healthy appearance. I get that being addicted to something like eating healthy and exercise is better than being an alcoholic but no matter what your addiction, I think it’s all about mental stuff that we’re not dealing with instead of the actual craving of martinis and 5k runs. I think the hoarders of the world definitely have had some sort of mental stress that causes them to save everything from bologna sandwiches from last fall to their own fingernail clippings but what about us functioning hoarders? My house doesn’t look anything like those scary hoarder homes (I can’t even sleep if there are dishes in the sink) but there are shirts and pants that I’ll never get in again that are hanging in my closet. There are books that I’ve never read or only read the first three pages of and then decided that I could not self-help myself by reading instead of living and there are the zillion pieces of paper that I have accumulated that seem to have no relevance anymore and yet they stay where they are until I lift them once more to dust under and over them.

So as I look over my life’s accumulation of crap I can’t help but start to feel as though I’m my father. My father’s idea of cleaning is basically taking the house (closet, bed, whatever it is) and just dumping it on its side watching everything fall into the garbage like a waterfall. And while I have these tendencies, I resist them. You see, invariably when my father would do one of his “heave ho’s” it would only take an hour before we realized that he had thrown away the instructions to the VCR, the special cable that went to the camera or the only picture of my grandmother when she came over to this country for the first time as a child. I use the above as a great reason to not “heave ho” but every fiber of my being is twitching like someone with restless life syndrome who wants to see garbage bags filled with Goodwill goods and garbage goods.

I have few fantasies in my life. When I was traveling all the time for business, one of my fantasies was that I would travel someplace with no carry on or checked bags. I would buy everything I needed once I got to where I was going and then leave everything there, returning the way I went, with just me. The same can be said of my home. I long to live in a place that has furniture and only tables with a few smart coffee table books in their appropriate place but alas the mail I need to deal with is on the dining room table, the New York Times Magazine from four weeks ago is laying around as there was something in there I really wanted to read but can’t remember what it was but don’t want to throw it away yet because I might remember it and actually read that article on reorganizing your life. Hey, that was it!

But while right now the whole process seems daunting I know in my heart that I’ll feel lighter once I get in there and start sorting, heaving and hoing. So while some may wait until spring, I’m sure I have a book somewhere that talks about “daring to be different” and it’s time for it to go. So while I’ve done it before it’s time to do it again. So say a little prayer for me. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more. Does spring cleaning have to wait until spring? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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My State After The State Of The Union – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’ve said it before but now I really believe it. I am officially old. As I sat and watched President Obama give the State of the Union speech I found myself mired in cynicism. I didn’t want to be in that head space but there I was (I also didn’t want to be talking back to the television screen but there I was doing it –old man here I am). As I watched all the “fat cats” in Washington sit on their well fed and insured haunches I just couldn’t help but think, nothing has changed, nothing will change. I still believe Obama’s the right man for the job and I want to believe him (really I do) but he’s not a superhero and he can’t do it alone. If I was younger I would think that I could help him with that change but as I round the last bend of life’s curvy street I find that once more I’m in a pothole watching the fancy cars go by. My state after the State of the Union – Don’t Get Me Started!

The state of Nevada is 48^th for educational funding, so not surprising that we are dead last in our education results. This week there will be more cuts to education in Nevada. Good plan? As our Las Vegas mayor raises millions for a “Mob Museum” and a new City Hall, all that we’re doing is creating future honorees in the museum and uneducated people who will clog up the courts because they won’t have the tools to get jobs or do anything but get in trouble. I guess the good news is that they’ll at least get to see the new city hall building. As Las Vegas comes in the top of the “most foreclosed homes” in the US, and as more and more people who came here to prosper are deciding they need to move back to their Midwest suburbs, here my city stands with a big new shiny complex called, City Center while away from the neon of the world famous Strip there are more and more houses rotting away and kids graduating high school who can’t read. Will Las Vegas become Waterworld (a very expensive flop)? Probably not because people will always want to come to Vegas but as I watched the State of the Union and watched my senator, Harry Reid yawning, I thought how tiresome politics and all these supposed budget experts are and how out of touch they are with the people of this country who need some leadership from their leaders.

The more that I watched the more I thought about how much we need a major shift in our thinking. The alleged “White House Party Crashers” hosted a night at one of the clubs here in Vegas and they couldn’t do a red carpet because they were afraid they wouldn’t have enough security for all the people who wanted to see this couple who are the least extraordinary people I think you could find. We’re all so busy trying to get our own reality shows that while Obama talks of building jobs in clean energy and high speed railroads, I have to wonder if anyone from the American-I’m-An Idol-Too-Generation will want to work those jobs. Will Snooki become a clean energy expert? Will Mike “The Situation” end up as an engineer of the new high speed trains? I doubt it. But maybe just maybe we should be putting our scientists and brightest kids on a pedestal instead of these putzes? We need to find our next Albert Einstein instead of our next Biggest Loser but I just wonder if we’ve gone too far in our adulation of nobodys to shift to a new wave of thinking where we create and celebrate somebodys? None of us seem smarter than a fifth grader to do it and the problem is that we think it’s funny that we’re all this stupid.

Look, on the whole I try to stay positive. When Tinkerbell drinks the poison to save Peter Pan and we have to clap really loud for her to live to show that we believe in fairies, I’m clapping the loudest in the room usually but as I watched the State of the Union I definitely thought it was going to take more than happy thoughts to get me to fly again in the belief that we’re still living in the greatest country ever. Remember that it took fairy dust and happy thoughts to get the Darling kids off the ground and flying. I hope that Obama’s words weren’t just words. That education will once more become a focus for this country, that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell will go away and will finally start to break the stronghold the religious right have on running this country. I want to believe, I’m ready to clap Mr. Obama and I do still believe in you but unfortunately I don’t believe anyone else who was in that room with you (Democrats or Republicans). For them it’s politics as usual and he who dies with the most money wins. They’ve forgotten how to lead because they’re so busy trying to win. I want us all to win. Hey, what was that? Optimism? Maybe I’m not as old and jaded as I thought. My state after the State of the Union – Don’t Get Me Started!

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I Think I Can Face The Gym Again – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’m not a “go alonger” never have been and I don’t know that I ever will be one. If absolutely everyone is wearing something or doing something or going to see something, I have no interest. And so before the holidays as I would visit the gym twice a week for my Zumba classes (knowing full well that I really needed to be there 8 times a week and doing more than just an hour of cardio to songs in Spanish that I couldn’t understand) at least I was going, right? But then the holidays came and so did travel, then a bad cold and then the realization that everyone simply, EV-ER-Y-ONE goes back to the gym in January to begin their New Year’s resolution that won’t last the month so I didn’t want to add to the clutter for the regular gym bunch. But now as January comes to a close I’ve begun to think (and my pants have begun to beg) that it is indeed time to enter back into the holiest of gay temples, the gym. I think I can face the gym again – Don’t Get Me Started!

Months ago I was at a gay party (make no mistake about it, it was dull as hell so not gay in that way but gay in that there were a lot of gay people there) and I met this young couple in their twenties who were going on and on about how they absolutely love the gym. I was bored, I wanted a cigarette (even though I haven’t smoked in a thousand years and when I used to smoke only used it as a prop with my cocktail and cigarette in the same hand I would gesture grandly, “Look at that one over there, not the sense to come in out of the rain but abs you could bounce a quarter on and lose an eye!” A swallow of vodka, a puff off the cigarette letting the smoke slowly emanate from my lips while I waited for the laugh.) These guys, who looked like they had the body of twelve year olds went to the gym every day meanwhile someone should have told their bodies because I don’t know what they looked like out of clothes but in clothes one looked so thin that he seemed as though he would have the brittle bones of a woman who hadn’t heeded Sally Fields about Boniva and the other one had a pot belly that surely should have been reduced from all those hours in the gym, right? I know what you’re thinking, that maybe they only went to the gym to have sex with other men but as I can attest, not every gym features gay sex or people who are interested in the gay sex (I know, sorry to disappoint).

I have over six thousand excuses for not going to the gym (some include bad hair day, nothing to wear, convincing myself that I shouldn’t go because I’ll catch someone else’s germs from the equipment and so on) but now that we’re coming to the end of January I’ve lied to myself enough, gone through the entire list of excuses to find that I’ve none left. I need to find some new excuses and almost did. I decided a couple of weeks ago that there was no point going to the gym because my body at forty-five years of life and with what I’ve done with it (nothing) makes it impossible for me to physically achieve the body I want so why bother? If that isn’t the greatest excuse in the world, I don’t know what is. I actually walked around for more than one day believing this after a quick convincing session with myself. I lost my metabolism years ago but now with nothing to blame but bad living, a pot belly gene passed down for generations all I could do was convince myself that I had a body that had passed its ability to spring back into shape so there was no point.

Well, excuses be damned, this week I will get back on those stairs that never end, might even do some crunches, or try to lift myself (with the assisted chin up machine) and begin to try and feel abs when I’m sucking in again. That’s been the greatest thing I’ve lost by not going to the gym. Before when I was going I could actually feel where my abs should be if I hadn’t eaten recently and sucked in really hard but for the last month or so when I suck my stomach in, there’s so much to it that I can’t suck it in enough to feel that I once had some abdominal muscles at all let alone see the doughed over tracks of them. So sad. So unless my mind can find any more reasons, gym goers beware. I think I can face the gym again – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Leave It To Us Gays To Have A Hunger Strike That Includes Cappuccinos! – Don’t Get Me Started!

Of course, like everyone who would read the story of a young gay man being beaten by four men and causing him to wake in the hospital with internal bleeding and an almost unshakeable anxiety, when I first read Francesco Zanardi’s story on gayagenda.com, I was moved (read the story here http://www.gayagenda.com/2010/01/gay-couple-live-streams-hunger-strike/) . That was until I got the bottom of the article and discovered that while Zanardi and his twenty-something partner are on a hunger strike to bring attention to the awful crime committed against him (meriting 1,500 fans on Facebook who are following them) and allowing people to see them on their hunger strike on a live feed, Zanardi is supposedly “living off just three cappuccinos a day.”  Leave it to us gays to have a hunger strike that includes cappuccinos! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I know, I know, I’m going to hell but I just couldn’t help myself. I had my somber gay beating face on until I got to the cappuccino part and then I felt the corners of my mouth starting to rise. I was smiling. Here was this story about this young man who was beaten and who was doing something to ensure that he and his partner’s experience was known to the world and I was chuckling…a lot. Do you blame me? Don’t answer that.

As soon as I was able to move on from the hunger strike that included cappuccinos I began to think of other gay protests that would no doubt garner publicity while retaining their “gay” sensibilities. Maybe someone could sleep on a bed of nails for three days with only a throw pillow for a pillow to protest how hard gays have it in society. Maybe someone could chain themselves to a store, you know like Barneys (in the men’s department) to bring to everyone’s attention that without gay salespeople there would be no retail. Finally an event where everyone wears Lady Gaga hand me downs (because don’t all of her costumes look so uncomfortable) this would be a protest about how uncomfortable some gays have it in society.

Okay, it’s all silly, right? But isn’t a hunger strike that includes cappuccinos a little silly too? Maybe I’m just being more evil than one person is allowed to be. Maybe I’m just being hypocritical because I wouldn’t have taken it nearly as hard had he been drinking V8 or something with some vitamins instead. But when someone is protesting with a hunger strike that includes cappuccinos, I would just think the responsible thing to do would to just not mention the cappuccinos. Never mind the fact that I’m jealous as hell because they’re both going to be so gay thin at the end of this protest that they could wear anything, I’m wondering why Starbucks (who is so causey) isn’t getting involved?

There’s a lot of injustice in this world and I do think it’s great when people take a stand but I can’t get past the cappuccinos. Sorry. I know, I know that I’m being a bad gay and that they’ll probably come and take my card away when they read this but come on, don’t deny it, you laughed a little too, didn’t you? Leave it to us gays to have a hunger strike that includes cappuccinos! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Now That Bin Laden Is Taking Responsibility For The Underwear Bomber, Here Are Some Other Things I’d Like Him To Accept Responsibility For – Don’t Get Me Started!

I guess none of us (the world over) were surprised that Bin Laden has claimed responsibility for the failed underwear bomber on Christmas day. I do find it a little odd that he wanted to take responsibility for something that wasn’t even successful but I guess like any celebrity, it’s good to keep your name out there in the Press. Mission accomplished. But I started to think about all of the other stuff in the world that has been less than great and I was just sort of hoping Mr. Bin Laden, that you might take responsibility for all that “yuck” too. Now that Bin Laden is taking responsibility for the underwear bomber, here are some other things I’d like him to accept responsibility for – Don’t Get Me Started!

First and foremost, since he all ready is taking responsibility for one moron, I’d like him to accept responsibility for some other morons besides underwear boy. I’d like him to take responsibility for Pat Robertson who told the world (and his many followers who continue to send him enormous amounts of money) that the people of Haiti made a pact with the devil and now they were getting their due as it were. I’d like Bin Laden to take responsibility for this and actually all of the religious zealots in our country who are just as whack (in my humble opinion) as any terrorists (hello, Mormons are you all listening?). Also appearing on the list of morons would be the entire Fox news team which now includes Sarah Palin. We all know it would make these right wingers break out in a rash if they were even uttered in the same breath with Bin Laden so I’d like Laden to put them on his list as well and take responsibility for them attacking human decency. All of the above are always so good about waving the American flag and discriminating against their fellow Americans like us gays and anyone who isn’t white that I think Bin Laden should take them as his responsibility cause God knows, most of us sane Americans don’t want to accept responsibility for these hate mongers with their televised moronic rants.

The skinny jean (and everyone who is wearing them when they know they shouldn’t oughta be). I’m convinced that we’ll find out that the skinny jean is giving everyone cancer because it’s compressing their lower body and pushing their abdomens over their waistbands causing not so much a gastric band procedure as much as it’s causing an eye sore. No doubt Bin Laden is behind these to make us look like Dr. Seuss characters and hinder our ability to run away from him and other terrorists quickly. And while we’re on the subject, he can take responsibility for cancer too.

The more I think about this the more I like it. I want Bin Laden to start making daily speeches about everything he’s responsible for and maybe that way someone somewhere can wise up enough to find and kill the son of a bitch! If Sarah Palin shot him from a helicopter I think I’d even vote for her as President (just a little incentive there, Mrs. Palin). There are far too many things for me to add to this list but feel free to do your own adding and then we’ll send the letter to the North Pole and hope he answers it or at the very least maybe Santa will forward it to him for after all, Santa knows where everyone is and if they’ve been naughty or nice. And think of it, has there ever been a better good vs. evil pairing than Bin Laden and Santa? I’ve got my money on Santa. But now that Bin Laden is taking responsibility for the underwear bomber, here are some other things I’d like him to accept responsibility for – Don’t Get Me Started!

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“Man Up!” More Bad Parenting Overheard – Don’t Get Me Started!

We went to dinner the other night a little after 10pm at one of the local casino’s eatery options. Not a fancy place mind you and from the looks of it as we were seated, mostly empty. But soon after we sat down, we began to hear a conversation that was taking place two booths over. It wasn’t that we were going out of our way to hear this conversation it was thrust upon us, as the people who were speaking were loud, very loud. The first voice we heard was a woman’s, she was saying, “That’s grandmother. You are to call me grandmother.” Then we heard a small child who couldn’t have been more than two years old saying, “Maaaaamaaa” to which the “grandmother” corrected (loudly again). This went on for some time while in between there was some screaming from the child and a lot of yelling from the “grandmother” telling the child he was an idiot, and to shut up. When she left the table to go to the restroom I suppose I saw ”grandmother” she was a trim, well coiffed woman who if you saw her on the street you’d think she was perfectly normally and understood how to behave in public. That was all about to change. With “grandmother” gone and the child still screaming, something happened that caused the child to start crying upon which time I heard a man’s voice bellow, “Man up! Stupid idiot.” Soon after the child echoed the words, saying them as if he had no idea what they meant. “Man up!” More bad parenting overheard – Don’t Get Me Started!

What went on after this initial screaming was pretty much more of the same until the “grandmother” came back and got into it with her server as well. The server was an older woman who seemed as though she had spent most of her life waiting tables. Although she was a little abrupt in her approach, there was nothing that would suggest she was rude. But apparently “grandmother” didn’t feel that way. Nothing the server did was right and “grandmother” was not quiet about telling her everything that she did wrong. At one point, “grandmother” said to the server (after the server had gotten almost half way across the room), “Do we have a problem?” She was trying to sound sophisticated but her tone and manner through the entire meal belied her façade of the classy woman she thought was firmly in place. In between yelling at her grandson, the server and everyone else at her table she finally called the manager over to explain (just as loudly) how rude she thought the server was to her family. As she shaded the story to make her seem like an innocent, the manager did what he should have, listened to her and apologized. As the manager left the table he came over to our table to ask how everything was (no doubt because everyone in the section had heard this woman and her tale that he told him). We couldn’t help ourselves and explained that we couldn’t have helped but overheard everything that went on and the server was not at fault. Well, this caused quite a stir in “grandmother’s” world so she began to even yell louder….about us! I suddenly was aware just how sorry I felt for the people at the booth between us. Presumably due to embarrassment, the woman at the table took her aim at us and then loudly declared that they couldn’t stay in the restaurant any longer due to all the rudeness. She made her huffy exit, staring us down as she, her daughter (the I guess mother of the child, she not looking older than 15 herself) and a 6’6” man in red sweats who came to our table as if to look mincing but once he was there had no idea what he was supposed to do and just looked like the most worn out loser in the world. (Remember, he was the one who’s only parenting skills consisted of telling a two year old to “man up”).

We could hear her at the register continuing her tirade which now included us when suddenly, the child starting running through the restaurant screaming at the top of his lungs. First the teenage girl began running after him, almost dropping the phone she was texting on, she came back out of breath and throwing her hands up, “I couldn’t catch him.” The “father” stood there exasperated when finally “grandmother” showed up. “I’ll take care of this, now this is grandmother, do you hear me?” (she shouted through the entire restaurant) “Grandmother is going to begin to count, 1, 2…” and with this she took off presumably to catch him. There was silence for a moment and then here came “grandmother” with child hanging by one arm crying as she screamed, “Shut up, just shut the hell up.” As she got past her I guess husband she mustered up her classy façade and said, “Come along dear.” And while I hoped that would be the end of it, soon after this scene she re-entered staring us down as she crossed to what had been her table. “And don’t take this tip off my table please, as you seem to be so in my business.” This was directed to us as she stormed about. After leaving the money on the table she began to leave with her daughter who had been behind her texting the entire time, I guess the lumbering “man up” man was holding onto the child. As she walked past our table again she stared at me as if we were in some sort of contest. She said, “What? What? You have no idea who I am. What?” And as I stared in disbelief with a French fry half in and out of my mouth all I could say was, “Have a lovely evening?” More muttering ensued as her daughter texted and told her mother that I was still looking at them or something until they were finally out of sight. After we all counted to twenty there was suddenly silence again. Heaven.

So never mind that there should not be a child out for dinner at that hour or that you should be teaching a child how to behave properly in a restaurant without screaming at them, which by the way is not how to behave in a restaurant but I just couldn’t help but feel badly for that small boy who was being raised in a world where people put on “airs” constantly yell at him and he’s told to “man up.” It would seem to me that the thing that needed to happen here was for these people to “parent up.” I know, I’m not a parent, I’m not allowed to judge but when something like this happens, which involves me when I really don’t want to be involved, I think I have a right to comment. “Man up!” More bad parenting overheard – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Reporters In Haiti Need To Not Be So Clean – Don’t Get Me Started!

I know, everyone hates me for yesterday’s post about us needing some help with education, homelessness, etc. right here at home as much as the help they need in Haiti. I guess it’s just part of the American arrogance to worry about our citizens too but whatever. What has become an increasing concern of mine is the fact that every time I see a reporter from Haiti they seem to be very cleanly dressed and coiffed as they walk through the rubble. Either they’ve found a way to help the local economy by hiring Haitians to be their personal assistants (who no doubt have to find a river somewhere to beat their clothes clean on a rock) or somehow the reporters’ living conditions are a little too good for what’s going on there if you know what I mean. Reporters in Haiti need to not be so clean – Don’t Get Me Started!

The other morning I was watching CNN and there was this reporter who was tall, dark and handsome. They had him in a full body shot as he loped about the rubble. He was wearing a very fitted green v-neck t-shirt that sort of had that Gap feel but since he’s working for CNN it was probably the Banana Republic  version of the shirt that can also be found a little cheaper in the Gap and if you want a disposable version of the same shirt you can get it at Old Navy (since all three companies are owned by the same corporation). Anyway, you get the idea. He was in great shape and the shirt clinging to him was clinging not due to sweat or the shirt being wet and dirty from rubble lifting, it was tight because the reporter knew he had a great body that looked good in this very clean, bright and very tight green t-shirt so he bought it in a size that would show off the body he worked so hard to get. Good for him that his shoulders were straight across like a cross beam to keep a dilapidated building up and that it hung perfectly on his 6’3” frame tapering down to a waist that is normally only achieved by a corset. It was sort of like seeing the model Tyson in the middle of the rubble from the earthquake. While people behind him were picking up pieces of concrete and rubble he walked through it all as if at any moment he was going to do the “all this can be yours if the price is right” arm that the models on Price Is Right do to showcase the big showcase.

Although I was very young at the time, I remember seeing reporters like Dan Rather reporting from actual war zones. They always had fatigues on, looked fatigued and were dirty from being in foxholes presumably risking their lives to bring us news here back in “The States,” the story from “The Ground.” But not our modern day reporters, no sir, they all still manage to keep that studio fresh appearance somehow even in the middle of a war zone. To their credit, they’re not in ties and jackets (as that would seem too dressy I guess) it’s sort of like they’ve received a pardon and get to dress “crisis casual” or something. They’re all in their t-shirts or those shirts that look like they came out of a catalog for people who go on safaris. You know, you don’t know anyone who has actually been on safari but apparently you need a lot of khaki shirts that have a tab and button to keep the sleeve rolled up.

As if the wardrobe doesn’t get on my nerves enough just by itself, believe me when I say it’s taking a village to raise the hair of these reporters too. There’s so much product in their hair that I’m convinced that none of them took it as carry on with the TSA’s 3 oz limit. Their Sebastian, Bumble & Bumble and Bed Head products no doubt had to be in their checked luggage because they’re using the full sized version of the product, not the travel size.

I guess if I were a reporter I’d want to look good too but I think what gets me the most is that somehow all of these reporters and their crews were able to get into Haiti to begin almost instant coverage while the inundated airport struggled to get the doctors and supplies into the country. Does that seem wrong to anyone else but me? Does the “cheese” (as it were) stand alone on this one? And would it kill Anderson Cooper to have just one hair out of place and a ripped shirt on while he single handedly pulls people from the rubble? After all, that’s the stuff that fantasies are made of for both men and women, right? Reporters in Haiti need to not be so clean – Don’t Get Me Started!

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I Think We Need To Send Suze Ormond To Haiti – Don’t Get Me Started!

Trust me when I say that I was just as moved as everyone else when viewing the horrific consequences from the recent earthquake in Haiti. You’re talking about a guy who has had to stop watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition because his tear ducts and sinuses simply can’t take all that sobbing so you can imagine how I felt and feel when I see the images of this tragedy unfolding. I also have to wonder why so many news teams from around the world are there and not picking up a shovel in between getting their makeup done and interviewing survivors (Anderson Cooper excluded for his recent pulling a survivor from the wreckage) with such insensitive and stupid questions such as, “You were under a pile of dead bodies for three days, how did that make you feel?” Yes, I actually heard a reporter ask someone this question. Amazing but I chalk it up the 24 hour news cycle and the American thirst for tragedy I guess. So as I watch this on a national and local front hearing everything that everyone is doing for Haiti, including stars who are donating a million dollars like us normal folk give a dollar at the store for breast cancer and sign a paper pink ribbon with our name on it to be displayed in the store, I can’t help but think of all of the people starving in America, the people who still have no real home after the floods in New Orleans and all the jobless and homeless in our country. I also have to wonder if we Americans with our not so great track record of financial prowess should be sending all this cash to a place where the infrastructure of the government is not great. That’s why I think that along with the telethons and cash, I think we need to send Suze Ormond to Haiti – Don’t Get Me Started!

Suze Ormond with her no nonsense approach to financial advice annoys the crap out of me. I know, she’s a lesbian and because we’re both homosexuals I should love her and I do love her but I can only watch about six minutes of her. Something about the tone of her voice and her fervor that makes it like watching Nancy Grace, that guy from Mad Money or the Christian Right to me, a lot of screaming at me and I didn’t even do anything. But we need her to go there and handle this for the world’s sake.

So far, our government hasn’t done well with the trillions of dollars that it’s supposed to be “budgeting” every day and I think it’s even more ridiculous for Bruce Springsteen and the rest of the celebrities to donate a bunch of money while George Clooney answers phones to send even more money that will no doubt end up in the wrong people’s pockets. If Bush and Cheney were still in office I’m sure it would go to Halliburton but with Obama, God love him, who knows where it will end up? I myself am a complete mess when it comes to finances. I have no idea what the interest I should be paying on anything should be, always think I have more money in my account than I do and am just generally, like the rest of America a screw up when it comes to my finances. I try to tell myself that I’m helping the economy by spending money on things I really don’t need and can’t afford but in truth, I’m just digging a hole from which I’ll never get out of probably. But this isn’t about me. My point is that the supposed experts in this country haven’t seemed to do any better than me but at least Suze Ormond I think we can trust. She’s a lesbian for God sake, do you have any idea how trust worthy lesbians are? I’m telling you, they’re very trust worthy and will cut you if you think differently.

And while we’re sending Suze over to handle the financial end of things I think we need to send some other people too. While America loves to say it’s the richest country in the world, we’re really just the most spoiled. So here’s what I think we should do. I think we should round up all of those people who think they’re too good to take a job in fast food or these people who have lived on welfare for an eternity popping out more kids to get more money and getting a doctor somewhere to label them as disabled (yes, I saw Precious) and send them all to Haiti to get to work. I don’t think we Americans have any idea what a good honest day’s work is anymore so I think we should take the Jersey Shore kids and send them over to Haiti to build houses and do what those boys seem to think is so important – GTL (Gym, Tan, Laundry) – they’ll be building houses so that will be a better work out than lifting weight which gives them their man tits they desire, they’ll be getting tan because they’ll be outside all day and they can do everyone’s laundry like the Tide truck I saw that goes into areas that have had tragedies and cleans everyone’s clothes (love this idea). Let’s not send our good people over there, we need our good people here to figure out how to make jobs and whatnot happen. Let’s send over all of our reality stars who get big paychecks for so little and the teens who feel too good to do anything but be a star on American Idol. Let’s send all the 30 year old, wannabe rap stars that are still living on their mother’s couch over there but for God sakes people, let’s keep our arrogance to a minimum and not think we know it all when it comes to finance like the bunch I’m proposing we send over, shall we?

We need a good solid strategy in place before we send money to a country that has no idea what to do with it and we also need to admit that we’re not much better in that department either. So here’s my idea for a solution that will really help Haiti once the celebrity money come in. I think we need to send Suze Ormond to Haiti – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Screw The Chicken In Every Pot, We Need A Gay In Every Family – Don’t Get Me Started!

In Herbert Hoover’s 1928 campaign for the White House he was quoted as saying, “A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.” He was alluding to the fact that under his leadership the country would be so prosperous that the above would become a reality for all Americans. Well, yesterday in the lawsuit against California’s Prop 8, after reading the testimony from San Diego Mayor, Jerry Saunders, it occurred to me that while we still have plenty of people hungry (and without cars or now even garages to put a car in) what we really need is to get a gay into every home. Screw the chicken in every pot, we need a gay in every family! – Don’t Get Me Started!

Mayor Jerry Saunders ran for mayor stating that he would veto any proposition that crossed his desk to allow same sex marriages but when his own daughter came out he realized that he had been prejudiced and “I was saying one group of people did not deserve the same symbolism of marriage, and I was saying their marriages were less important than those of heterosexuals.” Although we gays have been saying this loud and clear for some time now, we have to remember that the straightees (and especially straight white men) are not very good at understanding human rights of anyone that doesn’t look just like them. (No matter how hypocritical they are as they attend church and talk a lot about Jesus loving everyone.) I applaud Mayor Saunders for not vetoing the legislation and for him testifying in this landmark case but it would seem to me that we gays should use this as a wakeup call.

Although having a politician’s child come out doesn’t always ensure us changing their white straightee male minds (look at Mary Cheney and Dick – appropriately named) it couldn’t hurt either. But what we need to do is get a gay in every household, not just in politicians’ households. Sure there may be some “visiting” gays as decorators on cousins on your wife’s side of the family in for a visit but what we need are honest to goodness gays in residence to get where we want to go.

So here’s what I think we should do. First of all, I think there are a lot of gays all ready in place but like some futuristic microchip that some villain who wants to take over the world uses to “activate” his minions, we need to start “activating” the latent gays. While I know many gays have tried in the past to “activate” gays who claimed to be straight by sucking it out of them, giving them blowjobs and having sex with supposedly straight guys, this is obviously just not working. So boys, while I applaud your efforts I’m here to tell you that for the most part you’re not making gays realize they need to come out so much as you are acting like a slut at a frat party. Hey, I’m not here to judge, if it makes you happy go for it but we have a cause to get across and your lips could be used for the cause instead of just giving some closeted guy some pleasure who afterward will tell you how you seduced him and he was “so fucked up” he really doesn’t remember you taking his behind from behind!

Look, I abhor people who “out” other people, I think everyone should come out in their own time but I just want the gays who tell everyone they’re not gay who are reading this (and soon after deleting their online surfing history from their computer) to know that if you ever thought of coming out, now is the time. Now is the time for all gay men to come to the aid of their country. (Not original but it will work.) And remember straightees, look on the bright side, once we gays have identify ourselves it will make it easier for you to know who to pray for. Even though once we’ve got one in every house we’re going to take over the world (insert menacing laugh here). We gays have tried to show you straightees who live in fear of gays that we’re just like you, moving in and cleaning up your neighborhoods but apparently it’s just not enough, apparently we need to actually move into your home like your child who graduated college and can’t find a job so they’ve moved back home. The benefits of having a gay in your home are too many to list here but rest assured that just like we helped increase your property values by moving into the neighborhood, the same will be true about your personal life once we’re in your very walls. Think how easy it will be. No more wondering whether or not that sofa needs another throw pillow. No more wondering the appropriate wine for that dinner to impress your boss. And no more having to say, “Do you know Ashley? Well her cousin is one of them there gays! Can you believe it?” (insert shrill laughter here) No, once we’re in every home you won’t have to do so much talking behind our backs and eventually you’ll realize that we’re human beings just like you (only a little better) and that we deserve equal rights when it comes to not only our daily lives but in the current laws on the books that exclude us or strive make us second class citizens. Screw the chicken in every pot, we need a gay in every family! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Two Things Gays Can’t Avoid – Inequality And Taxes – Don’t Get Me Started!

I know that the original phrase is something about not being able to avoid or the two absolutes in life are “death and taxes” but as we all know, gays are vampires, thus immortal so as it comes to tax time again, I find myself getting the very life’s blood sucked out of me once more as I go to check the box “single” yet again. Two things gays can’t avoid – inequality and taxes – Don’t Get Me Started!

This past year my state finally “allowed” my partner and I (of over 21 years) to enter into a contract of Domestic Partnership which is registered with the state (but good nowhere but in this state) and basically allows us a lawful way to enter a hospital room should one of us be really ill, make some decisions, and be responsible for any debts we incur as a couple. What it doesn’t give us is a host of other things, not the least of which is medical coverage guaranteed and a cut in taxes like other domestically partnered people who get to use the high falootin’ “M” word instead of domestic partnership for their relationship. As I’ve written many times before, I could give a crap about the shoes and rice, I want the tax break!

And so as I began to fill out a new W2 for my employer and then began to look at my taxes, I began to wonder if us gays who have been partnered for a thousand years like me shouldn’t just check the “married” box instead of the “single” one and let them come after us? On the whole I am such a rule follower that it makes most people bored with me. My father used to say that you should never use the garbage disposal because it might break it and to this day it is with great trepidation and a feeling akin to breaking some major law that I flick the switch and hear the disposal at work. I always think to myself, “This is the time it’s going to break it and then I’m going to have to explain (even though I no longer live with my parents) that my father was right and that the disposal is now broken.” So far I’ve been pretty lucky.

So if you can push a rule follower like me to the edge, you know the inequality must be pretty profound. Here I am with my “Domestic Partnership” paper and I want to take it out for a test drive but unfortunately the only way to do that is to run my partner over with the car and then go to the hospital with the paper and say, “You have to let me in, the state of Nevada says so…so there.” Of course running someone over is breaking the law and that would kill me as well as being potentially arrested for the first time in my life (I’m pretty good at talking my way out of most things) so it hardly seems the thing to do.

All of you officially “married” people out there get a lot of things that we Domestic Partners, Civil Unioned, etc. gays just simply don’t get and I don’t think you realize it. I love that Britney Spears can be married in Vegas for ten minutes and get a tax break when I can’t because of my so-called “deviant” behavior. And by the way, with her money she can afford to pay more in taxes.

People love to say that we gays have “disposable incomes” because we don’t have the bonds of marriage from some antiquated vision of marriage when women didn’t work so the man took care of the woman and 2.5 children thus not having “disposable income.” Well the times they have a-changed so should we still have to pay the price for something that doesn’t even exist anymore is my question? Look around and you’ll see that no one has disposable income anymore, gay or straight. And just because we’re single in the eyes of the Federal laws doesn’t mean that we should have to pay more in taxes when we’re not living the single life. I’m fine with sluts having to pay the additional taxes, in the long run they lean on the government (and free health clinics) a lot so I’m fine with those single people paying more in taxes but why I should have to when I’ve been in a monogamous relationship so long that I make wildlife who mate for life look like amateurs, is beyond me. I have no disposable income, I’m not single by any means and yet here I am faced with having to check the “single” box for another year so that I don’t break any laws, so that I follow the rules. And it makes me sick. Sure, at the end of the day I’ll probably check the “single” box but there’s a part of me that is dying to start a viral campaign to have all of my gay partnered pals to check “married” and wait for them to come after us. Could they arrest all of us? How fast could they do that? And wouldn’t it in the end (no pun intended) be like all the bad neighborhoods we gay couples go into and fix up, maybe we could help with prison reform from the inside out? Or maybe, it’s time for congress and this country to stop fixating on words like the “M” word and give us our fucking equal rights as a citizen of this here United States! Two things gays can’t avoid – inequality and taxes – Don’t Get Me Started!

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