The Tale of Schlomo, The Jewish Elf

This came to me (not on a midnight clear) a couple years ago on Christmas Eve. Sometimes I write and it just all comes straight out to the keyboard (as in this case).

To date it's one of my favorite things I've ever written and my dream is one day to meet a talented graphic artist who can make it into an illustrated book for me!

I hope you enjoy it as much as I still do - like it, comment on it, share it and know someday I'll sign a copy of the book for you!

I honestly don’t know how these ideas come to me…but I'm so glad that they do!


The Tale of Schlomo, The Jewish Elf
While there are so many holiday stories, here’s one you may not have heard.

So you may know the 3 wise men were named Balthasar, Melchior and Gaspar but what you may not know is that Balthasar and Melchior were lovers/spouses/partners/whatever the hell you called it back then. In fact, they had been together a long time (one black and the other Jewish - sound familiar?).

Anyway, Balthasar saw the light in the sky and exclaimed, “Melchior, put down the menorah, there’s a big light in the sky and I think we should go check it out.” Melchior, who had been polishing for hours said, “Oy, what did you say? I don’t even listen to you anymore. What? A light? Okay, it’s the only way you take me out of the shtetl anymore, we’ll go. We should call Gasp, he just got out of a ten minute relationship with a yutz that had the face of a camel and could use a getaway.” (Gaspar was known as “Gasp” as whenever you told him any good gossip, he would gasp and grab the imaginary pearls around his neck. He was the friend that could never keep a boyfriend or a camel so Balthasar and Melchior always took him along, like their “plus one.”) “Tell Gasp it’s a mirror ball in the sky and that we think Donna Summer is playing, that’ll get him over here faster.” said Balthasar.

As they started to leave, Melchior said, “Oy, let’s not be schmucks, quick grab something we can take to the people under the light, I hear it’s a newborn king.” Balthasar looked around and said, “I dunno what to take, maybe I’ll take that extra gold, after all, he IS a king.” Melchior said, “Then I’m taking that myrrh your mother gave me for our anniversary last year. Like I didn’t get her hint that it’s an embalming oil.” Melchior said to Gasp, “What are you taking?” Gasp clutched his pearls and said, “I’m taking poppers, I mean frankincense, I hear it’s a damn barn there and since Donna Summer is playing there, it should smell nicer, no?” They started for the door when Melchior screamed, “Jesus, what are we doing, we can’t go with these gifts like this, wait, better yet, I’ll wrap them.” And Balthasar got a big smile on his face and said, “My Schlomo, the Jewish elf!”

For 29 years I’ve been Schlomo the Jewish elf, wrapping Christmas gifts for my lover/spouse/partner/whatever the hell you call it nowadays’ family on Christmas Eve. I love every minute of it and him. So to all those Schlomos out there like me, wrapping like me tonight, keep wrapping! After all, what would our Balthasars do without us, right? Of course, right. Back to work!

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