For anyone who has ever needed a little “help” in the sleep department and turned to Ambien, I’m with you. I don’t take it every night but I used to and when I did, I would wonder how I would go to the gym, watch what I was eating and still I got fatter and fatter. My spouse finally fessed up and told me that when I took Ambien I would allegedly forage through the kitchen like a raccoon at a campsite. According to my spouse, at one point I was apparently sitting on the sofa with my arm elbow deep in a box of Cheerios, shoveling handfuls into my mouth, not giving a shit how much was ending up on the sofa (not as much as was going in my gullet, I can tell you that, friends) with a glazed doughnut look on my face.
“Why didn’t you stop me?” I yelled at my spouse. “And lose a finger?” was his reply. It’s a fair comment.
My mother always says to me, “Oh God, Scott you’re not on The Ambien <Pronounced: Ahm-Bee-Un> are you?”
I’ve tried to not use The Ambien but every now and then, I take it. Such was the case last night. Now I don’t ever remember details about the foraging, normally I wake up the next day and I’m like, “Hmmm, my breath is so minty this morning. I wonder why I was dreaming about that last box of Junior Mints I hid in the freezer.” Yup, a quick look in the garbage and there’s the evidence, the jumbo box in the trash, without a Junior or Mint in it.
So last night, I went on a forage and I thought it was great that I actually had some memory of standing in front of the refrigerator eating but then my first bowel movement happened and it was green. I don’t mean the usual greenish poop color, I mean full fledged, I ate green bagels and green beer, almost a bright Kermit green. I’m a Jew, so of course at first I thought I was dying but then The Ambien thought dawned on me. “Ahhh, the Ahmbeeun (you’ll never say it the same again)!” I thought as I stopped texting my spouse where to find my will. But what in God’s name did I eat that would cause the bright green poop?
I remember years ago helping throw a Grease 2 inspired Rock A Hula Luau for my friend, Tara. We made “Blue Hawaiian” drinks which consisted of fruit juice, a lot of vodka and blue food coloring. We all went a week before we could broach the subject with one another, sheepishly asking, “Are you still shitting blue from last week?”
I’ve been through the refrigerator and from what I can tell of the missing items, I see nothing that could have caused the green shit. I certainly didn’t get into the baby spinach, nope, all there, packaging not even touched. It couldn’t have been the tzatziki with the pita chips, not green enough. Nor the rest of that huge bag of popcorn with the pink Himalayan salt. What is that piece of plastic on the stove? It looks like, could it be, hmmm, sorta looks like the inside liner from a cereal box. A quick look in the garbage and there it was, the enormous box of Fruit Loops. I do not recall how much was in it before I got to it, I don’t remember opening the whole milk (I’d gotten to bake cookies for a work event that I never ended up baking) all I know is that I ate enough Fruit Loops to make my shit the Willy Wonkayist color I’ve ever seen and hope to never see again.
I don’t know how long it will be this color but I figured I should provide this public service announcement for anyone on The Ambien or anyone that eats a lot of Fruit Loops in one sitting! You’re welcome.