Who Creates Corporate Buzzwords? It’s Certainly Not In My Wheelhouse! – Don’t Get Me Started!

It never ceases to amaze me how people can take a bunch of words that you know (or sort of know) and turn them into some magical word or phrase that within minutes everyone seems to be using. This is especially true in the corporate world. Now I’m not talking about “going postal” or taking a noun and making it a verb, I’m talking about the mystical magical corporate buzzwords that as clever as they may seem to an outsider are really just a way of saying nothing at all. Who creates corporate buzzwords? It’s certainly not in my wheelhouse! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I remember years ago, everyone in the corporate culture wanted to take everything “offline.” In a big meeting with a bunch of people when confronted with actually having to “show your work” or knowledge of something and have no idea, just say loudly in front of everyone, “I think that’s a discussion we should take offline. Have your assistant set up a meeting for us, will ya?” This serves its purpose on many levels. It’s sort of a corporate “get out of jail free” card for the moment and in one swoop you’ve made the other executive look subservient by having their assistant set up the meeting instead of yours. What you have to do after an encounter like this is either get your shit together so that you’re ready for the meeting or keep avoiding the “offline” conversation by being so busy “online” with other meetings and talking to other people that you can basically forget about the topic being brought up until the next big meeting at which point you’ll have to look for another buzzword that is more current to get you out of talking about it again. Exhausting, right? And people wonder why there aren’t more successful companies in the United States.

The corporate buzzword of the moment seems to be, “wheelhouse.” Now again, I have no idea how it got started, what it really says and so like most people working in the corporate culture, you have to sort of listen to the context clues of the other words in the sentence to make sense of it. The way that I’ve heard it used is like, “We should give that to Tom, it’s in his wheelhouse.” So I think it means an area of expertise or at the very least, the guy that you’re going to shove the work off on. But to me, the whole wheelhouse thing sounds like something that would be in an Amish village or something. I mean, they drive buggies to and fro so wouldn’t it make sense that someone has to make, maintain and put the wheels on the buggies? And wouldn’t they do it in a wheelhouse? When I looked it up online it says something about it being the shelter for the person driving the boat. Hmmm, so it still doesn’t make sense to me that they’d be using it as a corporate buzzword. Maybe because the wheelhouse only shelters the captain and it’s the one guy that they’re going to shove the work off on?

Growing up my parents didn’t spend a lot of time washing our mouths out with soap for saying so-called, “bad” words. To my parents it was more important that we express ourselves, that we be heard. They wanted us to choose our words carefully but if an occasional swear word slipped out, it wasn’t the end of the world and no beatings ensued. I love a good “curse word.” I love how it feels in my mouth, the reaction that it gets and so I am not afraid to let one fly. But at least with curse words, people know what in the hell you’re talking about. These buzzwords always leave you wondering what the person is saying and what you’ve just committed yourself to. So whoever it is that creates the corporate buzzwords, please stop. And you people who call yourselves executives, just say what you mean and you’ll get a lot more respect than if you stay in your wheelhouse. (Was that the right way to use that? Who the hell knows, geez!) Who creates corporate buzzwords? It’s certainly not in my wheelhouse! – Don’t Get Me Started!

Some People Are Lactose Intolerant; I’m Lazy Ass Loser Intolerant! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you really want good guest service you need a gay. Not a gay who is sucking in their cheeks thinking they’re better than the people they’re waiting on (are you listening Neiman Marcus gays) but a gay who enjoys waiting on people and who is usually very good at their job. But recently it’s not only the people giving service but the people receiving service that have taken my blood pressure and caused it to get so high that I’m sure there are vampires getting very turned on at the moment with my blood at such a boiling point! Some people are lactose intolerant; I’m lazy ass loser intolerant! – Don’t Get Me Started!

You’re right, I write a lot about Starbucks. It could be because I’m there every morning. They know me and I know them now. Most of them know what my drink is how to make it and all goes just fine. But recently as I’ve been waiting for my drink (which involves no added fixing or mixing at the guest bar area) I’ve noticed that apparently complete slobs frequent my particular Starbucks. Now I’ve always been known to throw a used sugar packet away that was left behind or even take a napkin and wipe up the spilled remnants of half and half that made it half in the cup and half out but lately it just seems as though I’m Florida (Esther Rolle) who started off as Maude’s maid and then got her own sitcom spin off, Good Times! Really people? Are you that lazy? Are you so important and in such a hurry that you can’t clean up after yourself? And what, dear God, must your homes look like? Frankly I don’t even want to imagine.

I guess the thing that gets me is the whole seeming lack of understanding that there are other people in the world. Call me old fashioned but it just seems disrespectful or rude to others when you wander through life as if you’re the only one that matters or that your mother (who obviously had no idea how to raise children) is going to go through life and clean up after you. She’s not. She didn’t teach you how to do it and the rest of us are now forced to deal with you and your lack of manners.  My question is who the hell would want to be with you? Are people so desperate that they’re willing to be in relationships with complete slobs and lazy ass losers just to be in a relationship? (Don’t answer that, I’ve seen Jerry Springer.)

If I’m paying for a service, I demand service. If I make a mess (whether it’s physical or emotional) I clean it up and I expect others to do the same. I know what you’re saying, “Your standards are too high, come on down to the slack jawed lazy loser level, you’ll love it.” I won’t love it. I don’t love it. I can’t stand people that shuffle along and can’t be bothered to pick up their feet and walk with purpose so I’m certainly not going to stand by silently as someone throws an entire Big Gulp out of their car window and hauls ass out of a parking lot expecting someone else to clean it up and think it’s just fine behavior.

I don’t care how much money you make or who you think you are, I’m just here to tell you that everyone deserves (to quote Lily Tomlin from Nine To Five), “A little dignity and a little respect.” So while you may think that it’s okay to litter or talk on your cell phone instead of wait on me even though I’m at the counter glaring an imaginary hole through your skull (which is obviously mostly vacant) allow me to enlighten you. Wake the fuck up! The world may not suddenly change for the better because you pick up after yourself or are nice to your waiter but it sure has a better chance of changing for the better if you show some human kindness. So walk with purpose, clean up after yourself and for God sake, remember that having a little dignity and class never hurt anyone! Some people are lactose intolerant; I’m lazy ass loser intolerant! – Don’t Get Me Started!