Straights Playing Gays In Movies Are Rarely Funny And I’ll Tell You Why
Straights Playing
Gays In Movies Are Rarely Funny And I’ll Tell You Why… – Don’t Get Me Started!
Exhibit A – “I Now Pronounce You
Chuck and Larry” with Adam Sandler, a film so unfunny that I would think it would be best used as some sort of cinematic
torture for terrorists. Now Andy Samberg, also of Saturday Night Live is being featured on Out magazine’s cover for
his new film, “I Love You, Man” where he plays gay for the cameras too except he’s assuring us it’s
going to be funny this time. I’m going to hope this one is funny (for all our sakes) but most likely it won’t
be and there’s a reason, straights playing gays in movies are rarely funny and I’ll tell you why… - Don’t
Get Me Started!
Before all the straightees
out there start sharpening their pitchforks and lighting torches, allow me to explain. It’s not that I don’t think
straight actors can’t be convincing in gay roles (see examples such as Tom Hanks in Philadelphia and Greg Kinnear in
As Good As It Gets) but when it comes to comedy they flit more than they hit on anything that is funny for anyone who has
ever known someone who is gay. (And let’s face it, more and more people know at least one gay if not fifty of them today.)
Truth be told, the gays don’t get it right in movies all that often either.
So why is it so hard to be gay and funny in movies today when it used to be
all you had to do was loosen your wrist and let your backbone slip? I think it’s because as more and more regular Joes
and Janes come out of the closet, people are discovering that the gay stereotype is an act, something that was “put
on” for the reaction of the people around them and not who gays really are when they’re emptying the garbage or
just being themselves. I also think (and know from personal experience) that the gay stereotype is an excellent way to provide
self-deprecating humor to insulate you from what you think the reaction will be from a crowd of people who don’t know
you. Somewhere in your unconscious mind you think the more flamboyant you get the more people won’t pick on you because
you’re so obviously gay that where would be the fun in it for the straight asshole that would normally tease
or beat you? You make yourself too easy of a mark. (This is not always done with a high level of success and eventually is
so exhausting for the gay that it feels as though you’re in a bad stock production of Nicholas Nickelby, which was created
in something like four segments where you had to go back two days in a row to see it all and they gave the audience lunch
breaks because it was so long)
For
me, comedy is usually only funny when it has a trace of truth in it. I had a friend once who always said that when you joke
there’s always a little truth in it (as for me, they were right). So when someone is a flouncy gay without any reality
base to what they’re doing, they don’t seem funny at all. Or they’re funny for a four minute sketch (see
any of the “Men On…” sketches from In Living Color) but to sit and watch it for two hours is exhausting
and usually not funny at all.
I
know that I thought I had an answer when I started this blog but now having re-read it I discover that I’m not sure
that I do (which kills me as I try so desperately to always live up to my self-appointed Gaytriarch title). And maybe these
movies ARE funny to some people who think Jerry Springer is the same as Oprah or are uncomfortable with their own sexuality.
I don’t know. I just know that on the whole gays are really funny so why it doesn’t translate seems a shame for
gays, straights and anyone who wants to go to the movies to laugh.
Are My Pants Sliding Down Because I’m Losing Weight Or Simply Because My Stomach Fattitude Is Pushing Them Down?
Are My Pants Sliding
Down Because I’m Losing Weight Or Simply Because My Stomach Fattitude Is Pushing Them Down? – Don’t Get
Me Started!
I decided a
few months ago that as much as I loved trying to squeeze the organs of my body from their natural positions in my body to
other locations in order to fit into pants that I had long shall we say, “grown” out of, I broke down and bought
what I was determined to be only three pair of “fat pants” that would grace my wardrobe. As time has gone on I
would like to say that I’ve stopped wearing these pants and am back into the slimmer pants that hang in my closet mocking
me each morning as I get dressed but now I find that out of a five day work week, the fat pants are worn three sometimes four
and on occasion five days a week. However, I recently noticed something about them and now I’m wondering are my pants
sliding down because I’m losing weight or simply because my stomach fattitude is pushing them down? – Don’t
Get Me Started!
Look, I’m
short. While I like to say I’m 5’5” the truth of the matter is that no one in my immediate family has ever
seen it to 5’5” and in fact the older we get the more we shrink until I’m convinced that at some point my
family will have its own reality show, something akin to the one on the TLC network except ours will be called, “Little
Jewish People, Annoying World.” When you’re short you have plenty of clothing complications that most likely could
be solved by a good tailor but where would the fun be in solving the problem and not kvetching about it? Most of the pants
in the world are designed for people with high “rises” for some reason so I often find myself looking similar
to the character “Todd” from Saturday Night Live that Bill Murray played. You know, the waist of the pants seem
to hover somewhere right under my nipples. If I put the waist of the pants on my actual waist then I have a crotch/zipper
that goes almost to my knees and then I have to deal with all the feelings of inadequacy that my shall we call it “manhood”
isn’t large enough to require a fourteen inch zipper down to my knee. Needless to say, it’s a lot of pressure
and not a lot of fun to clothes shopping with me.
So while I’ve been wearing the fat pants, I’ve begun to worry (as only I can do) a lot. I worry that
I’m going to be complacent with my weight until I get to the point where I’m wearing elastic waist Sans-A-Belt
pants from my father’s closet. I worry that the proportion is all wrong so that I look like an ice cream cone with my
fat dripping over the waist of the pants and the legs of the pants tapering down to cone-like legs. And what I can only assume
well endowed porn stars go through with deciding whether to dress their “equipment” left or right, I find myself
doing with my stomach. Do the pants go strictly on my waist or do I pull them up a bit creating a waistband “equator”
which may suck in my gut a little thanks to the belt but also makes me look as though I’m the Blueberry girl from Willy
Wonka And The Chocolate Factory needing to go to the “juicing room” to be de-juiced? I’ll sit at my desk
for an hour with the “equator” look and then (usually after lunch) the pants go down to my waist where I feel
the waistband of the pants curling over on itself, sagging under the weight of the stomach sticking over it. Let’s face
it, it’s a lose lose situation here.
What amazes me more than anything is the hope I feel (hope or denial? I choose hope). As the pants slide once more
from their original intended position I think to myself, “Wow, I must be losing some weight.” Mind you I haven’t
worked out in over week nor did I manage to push away the bag of Mint Milanos that somehow got fully ingested in just two
days over the weekend when there is supposed to be something like twelve servings to the bag. The only way that I lost weight
this weekend just lying around like a slug is if I have developed cancer or ingested a tapeworm while eating everything that
wasn’t nailed down in my house. Still, even as I’m writing this I’m thinking that maybe I’ve lost
some weight. Maybe I’ll go to gym tonight. Maybe I’ll get on the scale and be amazed that I’ve lost six
pounds. Yeah, and maybe I’ll flap my arms and fly to the moon! Are my pants sliding down because I’m losing weight
or simply because my stomach fattitude is pushing them down? – Don’t Get Me Started!
Gays Aren’t Distracted As Easily As Cats With Strings You Republican Pussies!
Gays Aren’t
Distracted As Easily As Cats With Strings You Republican Pussies! – Don’t Get Me Started!
Once again, the Republican Party has managed
to try to get people to not focus on the economic mess they left President Obama and his team to clean up and to instead go
after the gays publicly as a distraction. Chris Buttars of the Utah senate made some pretty hateful comments this week about
us gays. His comments were so bad that apparently the Republican Utah gang had to go behind closed doors for a day to discuss
among themselves what to do meanwhile not working on any of the bills that supposedly they need desperately passed to keep
the state going. Nice try but what they seem to forget is that gays aren’t distracted as easily as cats with strings
you Republican pussies! – Don’t Get Me Started!
According to www.gayagenda.com, Buttars said something similar to, “gay people haven’t any morals and that gay
activists are equal to radical Muslims as some of America’s greatest threats.” Well my, what a mouthful of crap
that is Mr. Buttars. And while I think you should have your mouth washed out with some sort of toxic soap for your comments,
what kind of American would I be if I didn’t defend your right to say it? You see what I think people fail to realize
is that at some point, all of the people who try to focus media attention on something negative they say about the gays are
really doing us a great service. You see, people are eventually going to become bored and immune to listening to such crap
because people are starting to know more and more gays and know we’re not some evil men wearing nothing but trench coats
in the park waiting to leap out and indoctrinate unsuspecting church goers to be gay. More to the point, people are going
to start asking the question that they should really be asking now, “What is this person who is coming out against gays
really trying to hide?”
Time
and time again the hypocrites of life get bitten in the ass (and some really like it) by their own deeds. Show me a Republican
or religious zealot who screams and yells about gays taking down civilization and I’ll lay odds they’ve gone down
on or laid a man at some point. Do I think everyone in the world is gay? Absolutely not but me thinks they do homo to much.
The ones who protest the loudest are the ones who always seem to end up being caught with a transgendered hooker with a ball
gag in their mouth and a dick in their ass. Hey whatever turns you on, pastor.
The thing is that the more we gays (and sane straight people) give weight to these troubled and often
self-destructive morons, the more we miss what they’re really trying to hide. Sure sometimes they’re just coming
out against the gays because they haven’t been able to admit to themselves yet that they are gay but the more insidious
ones are using the gay button so that no one will see that they’ve just slipped in a contract for their cousin on the
bill they’re trying to get passed or that they have embezzled half the state’s budget to take a yacht trip around
a lake with the business men who paid to have them put in office.
So while I know there are going to be a lot of gays (and straight people) out there who don’t
agree with me, I say let these people make asses out of themselves. Let them say what they want to about us as loudly and
as publicly as they want, all the while exposing themselves as out of date less evolved human beings than the rest of us and
what is hopefully going to become a majority in this country. The problem is that we gays start talking boycotts, bans and
impeachments when what we should really be doing is just publishing a daily list of what some moron said about us and alongside
it feature the six illegal practices or morally illegal practices they’ve committed or are trying to hide by using us
gays as their distraction. Let ye with the closet that has no skeletons throw the first bone(r).
Do I think that gays should sit back quietly while legislation
is passed further making us second class citizens? Absolutely not but there’s something in knowing and being able to
identify the enemy that gives us an advantage as well as an advantage to the American people. I urge everyone to look for
the next person that comes out against gays and then start really looking. Have they paid their taxes? Do they have unpaid
parking tickets? Did they just sign a bill to allow China to import some more poisonous toys into the US so that they could
get a kick back? Or are they just desperately trying to scream “Gays are responsible for all the tragedies of the world!”
loud enough so that their soul and conscience that tell them late at night that they’re attracted to members of the
same sex might change its mind? Hey, we live in America where they have the right to say whatever they want (even if we don’t
agree with it) but we need to start educating them that we’re not as dumb as they think we are and that we’ll
no longer fall for the bait. Because gays aren’t distracted as easily as cats with strings you Republican pussies! –
Don’t Get Me Started!
Mary Hart Needs To Act Her Age, Especially Around The Jonas Brothers
Mary Hart Needs To
Act Her Age, Especially Around The Jonas Brothers – Don’t Get Me Started!
I don’t know how anyone still watches Entertainment Tonight. I also don’t know how the Octuplet Mom became fodder
for an entertainment show but apparently like the sideshows at the old carnivals she’s considered entertainment (to
some). I also am amazed that Entertainment Tonight, The Insider and there’s one more that I can’t think of at
the moment all run right after one another and they’re really the same show with all the same stories. Whether it’s
Mary Hart yelling at you in HD or the other blonde chick yelling into the camera on the other show, I can only imagine that
since they’re in a studio with no live audience that either they have a sinus problem or that they have ear buds in
for the director to tell them what to say, they can’t hear and are screaming at us. But recently my television rested
for a moment on Entertainment Tonight and there she was…Mary Hart. And she was more embarrassing than I remembered.
Mary Hart needs to act her age, especially around the Jonas Brothers – Don’t Get Me Started!
I remember decades ago when I watched the show regularly, Mary
Hart had to be singing every two days on the show as she tried to get her wraparound dressed self a music career (meanwhile
her co-host John Tesh got the music career and the radio show – though why I’m sure I don’t know). She wasn’t
a bad singer but honestly, outside a church of white people trying to sing gospel, I see no need to listen to Mary Hart sing.
But that was thirty years ago when there used to be a show and now, much like the character “Lola” in the Barry
Manilow classic, “Copacabana” ol’ Mary seems sort of sad as she tries to stay “hip” (without
breaking one).
As she was interviewing
the “Jo Bros” (something she shouldn’t have been calling them - but did continuously - because it seemed
like some old lecherous grandmother who says she wants to feed you cookies but really wants to TOUCH your “cookies”
instead) was zipping about with the boys on a Segway. As she tried not to fall, she continually called them “the Jo
Bros” and said “Awesome” more than she should have been saying the word “Awesome” as it hasn’t
been popular since the time when Bart Simpson first burst onto the scene with a well placed “Cowabunga, Dude!”
Look, if you’re going to
write to me and bitch saying that I’m being sexist or ageist you can save your Cheetos stained fingers from dirtying
your keyboard. I think Mary Hart is a pretty good interviewer but please, if she’s going to be interviewing tweens then
just go ahead and conduct the interview as the adult in the room. You don’t have to stoop to their fourteen word vocabulary
or act like one of the teen girls that run around after the “Jo Bros” all the while betraying yourself at every
turn with a “this is like the crowd for the Beetles” as all three “Jo Bros” look around with vacant
expressions not knowing what Beetles are other than bugs.
Finally, after watching most of the interview where they stayed for the entire episode I’d like
to make a plea to the “Jo Bros” – now we all know that the old statistic is that one in every ten men are
gay. (I think it’s much higher, especially with all the Pastors and Republicans getting blown by guys but let’s
just go with that number for the sake of argument, okay?) I’m just hoping that one of the “Jo Bros” is gay.
Now according to the blogs on the Web apparently there is one that is in fact gay (and dating an older man) but for cash and
his Pastor father’s sake he’s staying quiet about it. Some say it’s Joe Jonas that is gay (wow, say that
three times and tell me that alliteration isn’t fun) and if it is I say it’s time for the boy to start showing
the way. I’m not a Perez Hilton fan or think that anyone should “out” anyone else, I’m just thinking
what it would mean to young boys and girls who find themselves attracted to the same sex to have someone that everyone in
their world looks up to and admires say, “It’s okay, I’m gay too.” Not in a big showy way but a quiet,
no big deal sort of way. Some may think I’m taking this too far but there’s a lot of teen suicide among gay teens
and maybe what they need is not a thirty-something Lance Bass to come out years after he was someone anyone knew and instead
have someone who is popular and hot now show them it’s no big deal and shouldn’t be for them either.
Plain and simple, I think it would do a lot for
young gays. The same way I think it would do a lot for women to see Mary Hart leave her trying-too-hard-to-seem-young-that-it’s-uncomfortable
ways aside and become more of a Barbra Walters type. She can still have perky boobs and eyes (courtesy of her doctor) but
for God sakes Mary, stop all ready with the trying to be twenty-two, you aren’t and we’re all okay with it and
wish you were too. Mary Hart needs to act her age, especially around the Jonas Brothers – Don’t Get Me Started!
Episode
54 – Ice CaGays! I consider myself a “gay of all trades” having done my share of gay stereotypical jobs
during the course of my life but nothing prepared me for seeing my thirty-something gay cousin skate at an adult skating competition.
There were plenty of sequins, gays and well, it was the damn Ice CaGays!
Are Teen Cashiers Really As Bad As I Think They Are?
Are Teen Cashiers
Really As Bad As I Think They Are? – Don’t Get Me Started!
In my youth (teens to twenties) I worked in the retail world. That’s
right, although my first job was that of a singing busboy, most of my jobs after the first were in retail. It should come
as no surprise to anyone who has read my blogs that I was a clothes retail kind of guy.Sure there was
a stint as a gift wrapper and I did some time in a box office selling tickets but most of my retail days were spent in the
“rag” business (for those of you not in the know, in the clothing side) of retail sales. So at the risk of sounding
like an old man, as I maneuver life as a forty-something gay man I get increasingly pissed off at the bad guest service I
seem to continually get from sales people. Perhaps my past experience has jaded me but are teen cashiers really as bad as
I think they are? – Don’t Get Me Started!
I don’t lie when I say that I was very good at the whole retail thing. This should surprise no one who has
ever been waited on or talked to a gay on the phone for service (not that kind of service, puhlease people), you
can read that blog here - http://hubpages.com/hub/Need_Great_Guest_Service_Then_Get_A_Gay - you see, like it or not, we gays are just really good at some things. So good in fact that
if you know what’s good for you, you’ll always look for the gay when you’re checking out at a store.
At some stores, it’s impossible to get
to the gay unless you get the luck of the draw. Such was the case at a recent checkout at Best Buy. At Best Buy you stand
in a line and just go to the next cashier available. I had two items so I figured it would be an easy checkout. Boy was I
wrong. The slightly overweight and unkempt teenager in her wrinkled uniformed polo shirt barely acknowledged me as I put the
items on the counter. She scanned the first item and spoke to the register, “It’s frozen.” I looked at her
as she looked at the register and it barely registered in me that she might be talking to me. As I went through my wallet
to get the cash to pay her I began doing what any gay does (given the opportunity) I started to make sure all my bills were
facing in the same direction and that they went up in value from the singles to the hundred dollar bill in my wallet. After
completing my task I looked up at her and she stared right through me and said, “It’s frozen.” So as she
continued to stare I couldn’t help but ask, “What does that mean? Does it mean I need to go to another register
or something?” In her now annoying voice she repeated herself, “It’s frozen. We have to wait.” And
wait we did until the computer was no longer frozen and she took my cash to complete the sale. It was painful.
My mother had an experience recently that was
similar. Much to my protest, she continues to frequent a local shop that makes cupcakes that are so far from extraordinary
that I’m surprised Betty Crocker hasn’t sued the place for using her mix and frosting and then ripping off the
general public to the tune of $3.75 per cupcake. At some point I guess my mother had signed up for an email list from this
place and so she would often receive email blasts from them. Usually they included things like the owner having given birth
to a new child or other intimate details that I have no idea why a business owner would send out unless they were trying to
desperately get business through making everyone their “friend.” One of these emails contained an offer to come
in for a free flavor of the month cupcake. And so my mother went into the shop to get her free cupcake. When my mother explained
what she was there for, the teen at the counter stared at her as if she was speaking some foreign language. During the very
one sided exchange apparently the owner came in with lots of boxes in her arms (no doubt Betty Crocker mix and cans of frosting).
The teen made no attempt to assist the owner and as the owner swept by she heard my mother talking to the girl and the owner
not stopping said, “Raspberry Red Velvet is the flavor of the month.” Using this as a “jumping off place”
my mother again explained the situation to the teen, the email, the free cupcake, flavor of the month and when she was completely
exhausted and had had quite enough, she told the teen to go ask the owner. The girl went into the backroom for what seemed
like a second and came back with this to say, “She said no.” Had I been there I would have walked but my mother
ended up buying a couple cupcakes and leaving unsatisfied by the service and the cupcakes.
With the current economy I can only hope that all jobs become a
bit more competitive and so people like the two girls I described will lose their jobs to gayer or at the very least better
salespeople who understand what guest service is all about. I loved working in the service industry. I loved helping people
put clothes together to make an outfit and just generally talking to so many different people. Somewhere that’s all
been lost and it leaves me feeling sad and very old all at the same time. Are teen cashiers really as bad as I think they
are? – Don’t Get Me Started!
What If Enough Was
Really Enough? – Don’t Get Me Started!
When I was little and being very annoying (usually singing at the top of my lungs like some Ethel
Merman spirit trapped inside a five year old body) my mother would say, “All right, enough is enough.” So when
I think about “enough being enough” it’s usually in that context but with the recent economy and our country’s
current health status I started wondering what if enough was really enough? – Don’t Get Me Started!
I grew up with the phrase, “I want my kids
to have more than I had” as part of everyone’s language. I didn’t think my parents had it all that rough
growing up but I understood that the sentiment was that they wanted me to live my dreams and to attain more than they had
so that I would be “happy.” But somehow that seemed to put a message in my head that whatever I had (albeit supposedly
more than my parents had as kids) at the time wasn’t enough either. What I don’t think anyone took into account
was that the above phrase was really about people like the coal miners who gave up their own dreams and health by working
in those mines to put food on the table and ensure that their children might be able to go to college. But since my father
didn’t work in a coal mine I had no real point of reference, I guess I just thought it meant that he wanted me to have
a new car instead of a used one or something. And thus I began to think that whatever I had was not enough, that I needed
more.
My maternal grandfather died
of a heart attack a few weeks after I was born. I wish I had gotten to know him. Had he lived in this day and age he would
have lived much longer thanks to the advances in medical technology. So isn’t it interesting that in this day and age
where we have so many more medical advancements that we are the first generation whose kids will not live as long or longer
than us because of their obesity and general poor state of health? Could it be that their parents wanted them to have “more”
than they themselves had as children so never taught them that one burger would do the trick and gave them as many as they
asked for when they pulled around to the drive up window at McDonald’s? Is that why we’re all overweight, because
we don’t get that enough is enough?
I look at my stuff. My Iphone, my laptop, my new Tom Ford sunglasses (that cost way too much) and I think about the
fact that my Mini Cooper will be paid off very soon. I’ll completely own it free and clear (as they say). I should be
delighted and yet there’s a part of me itching for a new car because after all, I was raised on wanting something other
than what I had and thought I deserved it because it was covered under the “having more than my parents had” act
of 1964. Shouldn’t it be enough that I have a car that doesn’t require me figuring out how to make the payment
on it each month (or cringing when they call because I’m late on the payment?) Shouldn’t I be saying that this
car has been enough for the years I’ve owned it, still runs well and so it should be “enough?”
I want to believe that I’m a forty-four
year old who is evolved enough to understand that most of the times when I feel hell is right here on earth that I’ve
created it for myself by wanting to live beyond or have things beyond my means. But if I’m honest, it’s a constant
struggle. I want to be able to eat as much as I want without worrying about getting fatter. I want a new car that costs more
than most third world countries produce in gross revenue for the year. I want more and then I want more than that so that
I have even more than you have. (Basically I’m Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory)But if all I want
is more then will I ever feel that I have enough? Maybe when I start to build new cars online, feel as though I need yet another
cookie or am about to make yet another impulse purchase I need to hear my mother in my head saying, “Enough is enough.”
And maybe, just maybe feeling as though you have it all when you don’t might be a wonderful feeling. What if enough
was really enough? – Don’t Get Me Started!
Fashion Week February 2009 Gives The 1980’s Credit For The Shoulder Pad…They’re Wrong
Fashion Week February
2009 Gives The 1980’s Credit For The Shoulder Pad…They’re Wrong – Don’t Get Me Started!
If you believe what Heidi Klum says about fashion on Project Runway, “One day you’re in and the next day you’re
out” then I would have to say that the fashion industry (and more to the point, those who write about the fashion industry)
are out…or at the very least have lost some credibility. Now look, I get that the fashion industry is filled with twenty-somethings
who haven’t eaten since they were six but come on, there are still some how shall I put it, “senior” designers
out there who should know better. Fashion Week February 2009 gives the 1980’s credit for the shoulder pad…they’re
wrong – Don’t Get Me Started!
There are few absolutes in fashion (outside the little black dress) but one that you can be assured of is the fact
that much like the Peter Allen song, “Everything old is new again.” You see, fashion like most of life seems to
be a circular reference. (If you were creating an Excel spreadsheet you’d get an error message) What I mean is that
although we tend to laugh when we see ourselves in pictures from say twenty years ago, if you wait a mere five years more
you’d find that you really are back in fashion.
Having blogged for Project Runway season 3 (and almost season 4) for Bravotv.com I can tell you that when season
four came on the air and the designers first walked in the door, I wrote time and time again about them all looking like rejects
from the 1980’s. (Read the blogs and how I got fired before I got hired, here http://www.somelikeitscott.com/somelikerunway4.html). So a mere two years later to see a bunch of anorexic models with shoulder pads the
size of their inseam is no surprise…well to some of us. But for those of us who lived through the eighties (believe
me I was more of a victim of trendy fashion than most…come on, gay, big hair, twenty-eight inch waist, I had everything
you could think of and a lot that you wouldn’t dream anyone could or should be wearing) we knew back then that while
shoulder pads were in fashion, they were not being “invented” by the current designers, no we all knew it was
an homage to that gay icon, Joan Crawford from the 1940’s!
What gets me even more is that
I read an article by a fashion critic who talked about the shoulder pads of today being a way for women to take the burden
of the economic situation and shoulder the burden by having larger, broader, stronger shoulders to carry this burden. Um…excuse
me, the Great Depression and World War II? Weren’t those the original burdens women had to shoulder and also when the
big shoulder pads began appearing? This same writer talked about how the fashion industry would have to find a way to make
the looks with the shoulder pads on the runway more accessible to the public. I seriously doubt they’ll have to worry
too much about that, all they’ll need to do is let some starlets wear the outfit and get a designer to design it for
Target and everyone will once more be wearing the huge shoulder pads.
I also love that Marc Jacobs is showing what critics are calling “Funny Little Hats.”
Once again, this is a direct steal from the 1940’s. Now if you think I’m bitter, I’m not, I’m actually
thrilled as someone who can’t get enough of the old black and white 1940’s movies, I think it’s swell (to
use the proper vernacular). I just think that our youth oriented culture needs to be educated every once in a while. They
need to watch some of the dramas and screwball comedies from the 1940’s and see when movie stars were movie stars. Forget
about watching another boring Oscar show this weekend, get a copy of Mildred Pierce for drama or The Philadelphia Story for
comedy and see exactly where fashion and celebrity originally met. It wasn’t in the 1980’s and it wasn’t
a gay stylist my little friends, no it was actual fashion designers who were stylists too. Names like Edith Head or Adrian
(Google them) created the looks for stars and did amazing things. And it wasn’t in the 1980’s kids. Fashion Week
February 2009 gives the 1980’s credit for the shoulder pad…they’re wrong – Don’t Get Me Started!
How Corrupt Is Too Corrupt And Where Do You Fall On The Corruption Scale?
How Corrupt Is Too
Corrupt And Where Do You Fall On The Corruption Scale? – Don’t Get Me Started!
The more I read the news the more I come to what to some may
seem a cynical conclusion. Whether it be Blagojevich’s selling Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder or all
of our lawmakers tacking on their pet projects to the stimulus bill it just makes me wonder how corrupt all of us are and
what is the barometer for corrupt enough (to justify to ourselves that we’re justified because the end justifies the
means)? And when will we stop making the Blagojevichs of the world our modern day pariahs simply so we ourselves don’t
have to look at ourselves in the mirror of truth that will display our own corruption? How corrupt is too corrupt and where
do you fall on the corruption scale? – Don’t Get Me Started!
Let’s face it, it’s pretty easy to be angry at the people in power or the people with
money, right? They’re an easy target but what I’m talking about is that look that we sometimes have to take at
ourselves, standing completely naked in front of the mirror, no one else around, just us and look (though we try desperately
to focus on something else in the room or that one hair coming out of our nose) to truly see ourselves, flaws and all.
No one told us that we were going to be real
estate experts when we bought properties with money we didn’t have thinking we could “flip” them like a
real estate expert because after all, “if that guy on TV can do it and make millions, why can’t I?” It’s
like being mad at the person who sold you the five dollar watch on the street that was supposed to be a real Gucci but he
had just fallen on bad times and needed the cash. When you really look at it and discover that it’s a Guchi and not
a Gucci, whose fault is it really? Is the corrupt person the one who sold you the watch or is the corrupt person you for thinking
you could get a bargain all the while not caring that the guy was down on his luck (supposedly)? You were getting a steal
that was the main thing, right? That “steal” just may have stolen some of your soul too but better to get angry
at someone else or blame someone else, right than have to stand naked in front of that mirror called our conscience.
I just wonder what would happen if we could all
admit our own ulterior motives and instead of being ashamed of them? What would happen if we embraced them? I’ll start,
I write this blog because I need a creative outlet. (Well, that’s the story I tell to the public) I was in the theatre
from the time I was six years old and never made too much out of a show biz career even after over thirty years or more of
trying. I want to be famous, I want to be on Oprah’s couch with my best-selling book and be a YouTube phenomenon that
actually ends up with a career in the business he loves and dreams of being a part of. So I toil day after day trying to entertain
the hundred or so (sometimes less) people a day that actually visit my site in the hopes that one of them will be a producer
or a scout for the Huffington Post and I can be a part of the world I dreamed of as a youth and still do. Am I corrupt or
hypocritical for writing about Chris Crocker (the guy with the bleached hair who was all over everything when he screamed
about leaving Britney Spears alone) as some sort of freak in hopes that someone who is searching for his video will find my
blog posting about it instead?
Look,
I get it. I look at someone like Ted Haggard who after one year of “penance” as a disgraced pastor from a gay
sex scandal rebounds back into his fabulous billion dollar Colorado home and gets a documentary on HBO and a seat on Oprah’s
couch. He’s done what some would call, making lemonade from lemons. But what if, just what if he had been able to face
his demons before he became corrupt by telling people homosexuality was wrong all the while paying a male prostitute to have
sex with him? What if he could have stood up to himself in the mirror, looking at himself naked and accepted himself for who
he was and the desires he had, would he have had the need to speak so loudly about the evils of homosexuality? To incite followers
to think it was okay to treat homosexuals like some sort of slime under their shoes because they were the most righteous and
knew the “right” way to live their lives? Even now he can’t really look at himself as he and his wife talk
about him having “thoughts” of sex with men but that he is Christian enough to not act on them.
Do I think that CEOs of companies deserve to
make more money when they get fired from a company for doing a poor job than they would if they had stayed and made it successful?
No. (And although I tend to take everything back to a musical theatre reference, isn’t that a little like the The Producers
where they discover they could make more money from a flop than a hit?) All I’m asking is that we begin to acknowledge
that corruption is everywhere and that includes in ourselves. Whether we’re Miss New Jersey who says she wants world
peace but really just wants the tiara and all that goes along with it or a politician who wants to limit CEO salaries all
the while filling his own pockets with money from companies that are willing to pony up money for a seat at the inauguration
or to hopefully control them once they get in office; corruption (much like my grandmother used to say about “the gays”)
are/is everywhere. So maybe instead of being so righteous and getting so angry about people who have more than us (because
I suspect for a lot of people this is what they’re really upset about…not having as much as the Joneses, not
having the tiara) maybe we need to understand human frailty and be thankful for the times in our lives when we open the door
for someone out of kindness and not just because we’re secretly hoping to boink them! Maybe by admitting and embracing
our own corruption it will allow us to focus and “fix” ourselves instead of focusing on the Blogojevichs, who
we’ll never meet and who the law will deal with…hopefully. Maybe just maybe it’s time to get naked in front
of the mirror no matter how much it hurts and admit just how corrupt we are because we would step over someone if it made
it easier to get the things we desired. Don’t we all have a little Golam from Lord of the Rings in us? How corrupt is
too corrupt and where do you fall on the corruption scale? – Don’t Get Me Started!
The Good, The Bad, The I Don’t Need To Know That About You On Facebook!
Forty-Something
Gay, Episode 53 – The Good, The Bad, The I Don’t Need To Know That About You On Facebook! I always say that Facebook
has managed to bring back everyone I thought I’d gotten rid of back into my life but really there’s a lot to like
about it. All except the whole “Scott is…” or status as they call it.
Writing a blog every day I'm more critical of my posts than any of the people out there in blogging land think I am of
the celebrities and people I sometimes write about. But on occasion even I'm pleased with a particular post, so here it
is...a re-broadcast (if you will) of a Valentine's Day blog I wrote a couple of years ago...
The thing about gays is that we can
make a holiday over anything (I guess we’re a lot like Hallmark in that sense) or an un-holiday about anything. Last
night while my guy and I went to see Dreamgirls (you know, had to see it one more time before it left the big screen) and
had a burger to celebrate, a pal on the other side of the map (from what they tell me as I’m really bad with geography
– only know left and right and never won the blue “piece of pie” in Trivial Pursuit due to my lack of knowledge
of where any land mass is or how to get to it) attended an event at a local club for singles to meet and uncelebrate the day
of coupling. You know, sort of like the Mad Hatter’s Very Merry Unbirthday party and song. Well, as Maureen McGovern
would say (in her really short white shorts that are filthy from the ship capsizing) there’s got to be a morning after.
And as my pal and I compared notes this morning, I decided to share with you Valentine’s gay - a holiday massacre –
Don’t Get Me Started!
Diana Ross said of the sweetest hangover,
“If there’s a cure for this, I don’t want it, don’t want it. If there’s a remedy, I’ll
avoid it, avoid it. Think about it all the time and I never let it out of my mind, ‘cause I love you.” (Obviously
this was before people knew about good penicillin, methadone and/or Paxil) Well, here’s the deal. I was very content
to share cute greeting cards, candy and a smooch before it was off to the movies and a burger. I didn’t hand pick flowers
and arrange them, I didn’t put red heart shaped doilies on the walls with silhouettes of cupids like when we were in
grade school. And there was certainly no Kay Jewelers moment like they show on the commercials of a small box coming out containing
that diamond something or other of which the woman in the commercial can only be thinking, “If I were to melt this down,
how much could I get for it or what can I make from it? Can I pull off going to the window to see my reflection wearing this
God awful thing and try to cut the glass with this at the same time to make sure it’s real without him noticing?) No,
it was a quiet sort of night with my guy and that was just fine with me. We shared all of the essential silliness that comes
with this holiday and once again, the old-can’t-be-married-by-law-even-though-they-have-been-together-eighteen-years-couple
had a happy holiday.
Meanwhile, in the southern states (I think)
the holiday that shares its day in history with one of the most notorious mob massacres was about to take down another casualty.
At least I think that was a chalk outline on the floor. At the un-Valentine celebration, the person my pal got hit on by was
a guy whose boyfriend was out of town. They’re in one of those “open” (Both sluts – oh My GOD, did
I write that with my outside voice?) relationships which apparently made him still feel as though he could go to a “singles”
event. I think we need to start redefining the word, “single” as so many people don’t seem to get it. Unlike
the ones made by Kraft, it does not mean a bunch of cheesy men on top of one another with just a thin layer of plastic in
between them. No, just so we’re all clear, single means that you are not involved with anyone else, period. Even if
you’ve just had sex in the alley with someone but didn’t know their last name, then you’re still single
but if you have at any time had sex with the same person more than say six times and asked them to take out the garbage then
my friends, you are not single. You are also not single just because you are in the front of the club and they are in the
back of the club (doing God knows what). Distance doesn’t make you single, only being neurotic and driving any suitable
mate out of your bed and home can do that for you. If your CDs are lined up next to one another in your house (yes, even the
his and his copies of the Olivia Newton-John movie Xanadu soundtrack) then you are involved, a couple and therefore in my
mind you should classify yourselves as not single. On the other hand, you can be dating someone (translation, sex only and
one dinner but only because you were really hungry after having so much sex) and be partially single I suppose. Your line
would read, “Well, I’ve had a couple dates with this guy but I don’t feel the connection, you know, like
I do with you <head down to one side, sip of drink, eyes rise to see reaction>”However, the
minute you use the word, boyfriend, you are no longer considered single. The only way that this can happen is if you are in
fact eight years old, over a friend’s house and he’s your best boy friend. Let me clarify that last statement
for you gays who were overachievers even at eight. I’m talking a friend who is a boy who you aren’t having any
physical contact or feelings of having physical contact about – you’re just there to play with his Nintendo (stop
with that gutter thinking) and get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the crust after school – no innuendo there,
I know, I can hardly believe it myself!
If you have a boyfriend,
a lover, a husband or any of the other “terms of endearment” (and we all know how well that ended for Debra Winger)
than just do everyone a favor and stay away from the singles scene. Do your trolling on the Intranet on Craig’sList
or something but don’t go out in public for a night of fun, frolic and “could you please wipe the bathtub down
really good so that there’s not even DNA evidence you were here because he’s coming home tomorrow and I spent
all day scrubbing the house and can’t do it again. Thanks, you’re really sweet…um…Mark?” I’m
not saying monogamy is for everyone but they can’t really be your boyfriend and you can’t be in a “committed”
relationship when you’re bumper sticker reads, “Bangs Well With Others”. So in the words of Kiki Dee, “Don’t
go breaking my heart” or the heart of any of my friends you pseudo single people because I’ll hunt you down like
the dogs you are, for an event that will most definitely go down in history. Valentine’s Gay - a holiday massacre –
Don’t Get Me Started!
Valentine's Day Advice From A Gay Guy To Straight Guys
Valentine’s
Day Advice From A Gay Guy To Straight Guys – Don’t Get Me Started!
No, this will not be a written episode of Queer Eye For The Straight
Guy but every once in awhile I find that the skills that we gays possess are needed by the straight guys out there and to
all of them who don’t have a gay pal to ask (or don’t want to ask that one guy they’ve been hanging out
with for years and never has a girlfriend if he’s gay) allow me to assist. Some advice from a gay guy to straight guys
on Valentine’s Day – Don’t Get Me Started!
Listen – now I know this is hard for you guys but think about doing this after sex (with your
loved one, not by yourself) when you’re in a meditative, tranquil state. I know the instinct is to roll over and sleep
but force yourself to stay awake at least ten minutes. These are the times when women feel they have delivered, are close
to you and can use your brain to plant somewhat subliminal suggestions. It may be as simple as, “Gosh, don’t you
wish we were lying in a bed in Hawaii right now?” If you’ve got the money, sure take her to Hawaii but a clever
guy will find a way to bring Hawaii to that same bedroom. Buy some pina colada mix, a Don Ho tape, a grass skirt (for her
or yourself), a sound soother that makes sounds like the ocean and a plate of pineapple and assorted tropical fruits (No,
not Juan and Julio who your friend Kevin did once behind a gay bar, oh wait, you’re a straight guy never mind you wouldn’t
understand that reference). Get her out of the house, decorate the room and be ready for her on Valentine’s Day. Bring
Hawaii to her at less than half the cost. Your efforts will be rewarded. The same listening can be done and achieve the desired
results for many gift ideas (and at times other than right after sex) – if she mentions a song on the radio she likes
buy her the CD or download it for her on her Ipod. If she mentions a restaurant, take her there. Every day she sends about
six hundred subtle and not so subtle messages to you by actually telling you what she wants, you just have to tune in and
store all of this away until it’s needed.
Go To The Gay (Or Best Friend) – Your girl has all ready confided in her best friend (or the gay in her life)
exactly what she wants for Valentine’s Day, her birthday, etc. One call can do it all. Just make sure that the friend
is a true friend. If the gay best friend says she wants to see you in pictures wearing nothing but a thong, don’t do
it. If the female best friend says that she thinks it would be good to make your girlfriend jealous by sleeping with her as
the best friend, don’t do it. Everyone has their own agenda you just need to make sure to stay on track with your agenda
and not theirs.
Silly Gifts –
Silly gifts only work if the relationship is new or you’re twenty years into the relationship. This may include some
sort of silly toy that she once told you about (when you were listening – see above) from her childhood and could even
go so far to the other kinds of “toys” including edible panties and/or chocolate body paints depending upon how
intimate your relationship is at the moment. A silly gift is your way of recognizing the day but also letting someone know
that you’re not close enough for a thousand red roses and a carriage ride through the park.
Don’t Give A Serious Gift If You Aren’t Serious
– This is a biggie boys so read carefully (more than once if needed) jewelry is always a serious gift. I don’t
care if it’s a toe ring, most women will find a way to turn that toe ring into an engagement or promise of engagement
ring to not only their toe but their entire body. Even earrings can be misconstrued but they can be given if you’re
smart – no diamonds, the most expensive you can go is to a birthstone but even then there’ll be lots of looking
around for the matching bracelet, necklace and engagement ring for the next three semi-events in your lives (a birthday, anniversary
or even President’s Day will do, women are resourceful).
Finally, whatever you do, during the three days leading up to Valentine’s Day and after the
day, do not for any reason under any circumstances get down on one knee. I don’t care if you think you’re just
tying your shoe, she thinks the big moment is upon her and that you’re proposing. Just think of it this way, the same
way you wouldn’t bend over in front of a gay guy applies here…you’re right to be afraid of being screwed!
Some advice from a gay guy to straight guys on Valentine’s Day – Don’t Get Me Started!
Episode
52 – Happy Valentine’s Gay! I know that a lot of people say that my guy (of twenty plus years) and I can’t
legally be married (yet) but as we’ll probably end up getting one another something for the house, I don’t know
if you can get more married than that? So rather than focusing on gift giving this year I think I’ll just focus on the
fact that my heart still skips a beat when I see him! Happy Valentine’s Gay everyone…and to all a good night!
Go Ahead Nutty Straightees, Have Fourteen Kids, With Every Kid You Make Us Gays Look Better All The Time
Go Ahead Nutty Straightees,
Have Fourteen Kids, With Every Kid You Make Us Gays Look Better All The Time – Don’t Get Me Started!
Is it wrong of me to love the nutty single woman
who after having six kids went back into the same sperm donor pool for another dip and now has eight more kids, rounding it
out to an even fourteen? By now we all know that she is more than a little disturbed. By her own mother’s report, her
daughter is obsessed with having children. (And I don’t mean in a Mia Farrow, Angelina Jolie adoption sort of way).
So how could this woman who is clearly a little cuckoo get a doctor to inseminate her not once but twice? I guess you can
just chalk it up to the fabulous medical community that we used to be able to trust like a priest, wait…not like a
priest, like a…oh I don’t know, like someone you can actually trust who is not your mother, remember those days?
I guess the old adage is true, “just cause you can doesn’t mean you should.” Perhaps we need to
be doing some psychological evaluations before just shooting any woman who wants to be (and can pay for it) up with a load
of sperm? Or maybe this is just what us gays need. Yeah, that’s it. Go ahead straightees, have fourteen kids, with every
kid you make us gays look better all the time – Don’t Get Me Started!
The woman in question is not a Mormon nor is she doing it to create a singing
group (that I know of) so you have to wonder why all the kids and more importantly, with no partner in life, who the hell
is going to pay for these kids? I can only hope that it’s not us. But I have to tell you that she may not need our money.
I saw a clip of her being interviewed by Ann Curry and I can tell you one thing, along with the insemination, she’s
also had some work done on that face. That’s not her original nose or lips. I don’t know if when she was lying
on the delivery table she asked them to do a little something something but rest assured a good gay can tell when anyone has
tampered with the Lord’s work and she’s been more tampered with more than Tylenol in the 1980’s.
The religious right are always telling us gays
that we can’t get married (or really be an equal part of society) because we can’t reproduce. Well, as if we needed
a better illustration of the reason this point is not a well thought out argument (besides the kids of Britney Spears) this
Nadya Suleman, single mother of fourteen is doing an excellent job for us gays everywhere. Again I say, “Just cause
you can, doesn’t mean you should.” Now that I’m thinking about it, I think that would make an excellent
protest sign for some gay banners out in front of that hospital where Ms. McNutty is located with her recent litter.
For all the hubbub that surrounds gays being
parents, what never gets factored in is that most gay couples make a conscious and informed decision before they have children.
Maybe it’s because they can’t just bump uglies and have them or maybe (as I’d like to think) we gays are
more responsible and think before we take someone else’s life into our hands. (If the AIDS pandemic taught us nothing
else, it taught us to be our brothers’ and sisters’ keepers and keep one another safe.) Sure there are some irresponsible
gays and straights out there but I doubt a lesbian is ever going to show up to an emergency room with abdominal cramps and
suddenly pop out a kid much to her own surprise like Bullwinkle’s famous, “Hey Rocky, wanna see me pull a kid
out of my vagina?” (or something like that).
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if what the religious right is doing is so-called “normal”
I want no parts of it because I am EXTRAordinary! So go ahead straightee pastors like Ted Haggard who have to close their
eyes really tight and try not to think of boys every night as they bite their pillow while lying beside their wife who is
in denial as much as the man himself is in denial. Go ahead and condemn us gays because you think God is talking to you and
telling you we’re an abomination. Chant idiot phrases like, “Well, if God had wanted gays he would have created
Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve!” (Ridiculous since we all know that if there really was a Steve who was gay in the
Garden of Eden he’d want to go by Steven, geez!) Because as sure as your idols you worship like Haggard, Swaggart and
the rest have crumbled, so will your fantasies of what a family is, this too shall pass. In the meantime, we gays are just
fine waiting for society to catch up with our evolution, so go ahead straightees, have fourteen kids, with every kid you make
us gays look better all the time – Don’t Get Me Started!
Why Are We Still Talking
About Gay Marriage? – Don’t Get Me Started!
When you’re a blogger, a gay blogger, you receive a lot of emails from organizations that ask
you to promote their current protest or initiative. To be honest with you, it would be too hard to keep up with all of them
but one came the other day that got me thinking that I had something to say and therefore, here is the blog! They’re
asking gay bloggers to have “7 Conversations in 7 Days” about gay marriage this week. If you read my blog on a
regular basis you’ll know that I’ve all ready tackled this topic in more than a few written as well as video blogs.
(I’ll post some links at the end of this blog) So you may be asking yourself what I’m asking myself, “Why
are we still talking about gay marriage?” – Don’t Get Me Started!
In the weeks before California’s Proposition 8, I think a lot of us
were feeling a little cockier than usual (minds out of the gutter, please). We saw the amount of money being spent by the
religious right supporting the Proposition but we all thought that we had come a long way since the days of Paul Lynde and
Liberace representing the gay populous to the American public. At this point are there still people in the world who don’t
know someone (or aren’t related to) someone who is gay? If you subscribe to the above theory then you think there’s
no possible way for a Proposition such as 8 to even get close to passing. But then it did pass and to many it was a shock.
I don’t know that I was as shocked as disappointed. I mean just when you think things are moving forward toward your
equality you’re suddenly in a song of Paula Abdul’s from the 80’s. (“Two steps forward, two steps
back, we come together ‘cause opposites attract and you know…”)
I read many of the blogs and articles published about gay marriage on both
sides of the issue. (I’ve always held the belief that you can’t really get the story if you only read one side
of it) And what amazed me the most was how much the defenders of Proposition 8 talked about the fact that marriage only exists
for procreation. And it wasn’t until this 7 conversations in 7 days came along that I wondered what kind of a conversation
could be had if what was really discussed was this point that a lot of the Prop 8ers tend to espouse? My question would be
if all marriage is designed for procreation only then isn’t it a little limiting and discriminatory even against straight
people who don’t want to or can’t biologically procreate? How must that make the woman who can’t have children
feel? How must it make the people who get married but choose to not have children feel? And how can anyone say that all that
marriage is good for is procreating? Where’s the discussion of companionship? Where’s the discussion about caring
for one another? If marriage truly is only about procreation (and no, I don’t think this but I’m throwing it out
there for those who do) then I’m not interested. (And not just because my partner and I can’t biologically have
children together)
The other thing
that crossed my mind was that if procreation is what marriage is all about and it comes directly from the bible that we’re
all supposed to live our lives according to, then explain to me why sex is always considered such a nasty or inappropriate
thing to discuss? Shouldn’t the religious be doing nothing but having sex so that they can keep their vow of their “procreation
marriage?” And why isn’t it written into the marriage ceremony? Forget love, honor, obey and get to the begetting,
begetting, begetting, right? (It’s like a Jewish mother who only wants to know how soon the grandchildren are coming
after paying for the big wedding!)
Though
some may think that these thoughts are taking the thought process put forth by Proposition 8ers to the extreme and just silly,
what’s funny to me is that a lot of us gays feel the same way about being denied marriage as it’s defined by the
laws of our country and not by the laws of the many organized religions that are allowed to operate under the laws of our
country – it’s extreme and silly. Look, if the Mormon Church doesn’t want gays getting married in their
temples then that is their right. On the flip side of that, I don’t feel they deserve any federal compensation (like
living a tax free lifestyle) which no doubt assisted them in being able to spend millions to fight against causes they don’t
approve of, such as gay marriage. (Imagine how much we gays could have spent if we were allowed the tax breaks that married
people get?)
It could be that I’m
a Cockeyed Optimist (though I’ve never played Nelly Forbush in a production of South Pacific – interesting I would
pick that musical as it’s all about prejudices too) but I truly believe in my heart that in my lifetime we’ll
see gay marriage for everyone. Maybe it won’t carry that name that seems to get so many enraged but as I’ve said
before, I’ve been with the same man in a monogamous relationship for over twenty years, if that’s not marriage
what is? And so as so many seem to get bored or annoyed that the conversation continues about this topic, what they need to
realize is that for so many of us we have to keep talking about it in order to bring about the change that is needed so that
the next time there’s a vote on gay marriage (coming to a state near you) we won’t be shocked or disappointed
again. And that my friends, is why we are still talking about gay marriage – Don’t Get Me Started!
You Just Don’t
“Get Me” And I’m Okay With That – Don’t Get Me Started!
When I started blogging and created my website in 2006, I knew
that there were going to be a lot of people who weren’t interested in what I had to say and more to the point, would
disagree or be disgusted at what I had to say. (Thus the reason for naming the site “Some” Like It Scott) And
the first thing you read about it when you go to the site is that I admit that “I’m an acquired taste, you know,
like Tab cola.” But what has never ceased to amaze me are the people who get all riled up about what I write. And to
them I say, you just don’t “get me” and I’m okay with that – Don’t Get Me Started!
The wonderful thing about the blogosphere that
has been created is that you can throw your opinions out there like drops of rain on a parched earth or lob them at people
like a clown in the circus lobs cream pies into people’s faces. (I try to mix things up and do both – sometimes
in the same posting) I’m not without my moments of outrage at something political or sentimental writings or deep seeded
thoughts but for the most part I chose to create my blog entries from a pseudo-me perspective about things that annoy and/or
that I find funny.
That’s
right, what a lot of people don’t realize is that I’m not just the person you read on the blog. I think that’s
probably true of most people. You see, when you’re writing a blog (and desperately trying to keep it updated a minimum
of five days a week so that people will stay interested and come back each day or often to your site) you kind of need to
create a dual personality that is one or two parts you and three parts a much more flamboyant interesting character.
Some people use their blogs to say the things
that they wished they had said at a moment in time or simply to vent. I will tell you that most of the time if I quote myself
as saying something to someone, I’ve usually said it. But when you read my blogs you also have to understand that you’re
almost always reading something that has been what some people would call, “embellished” but I prefer to call
“embroidered…with beads.” Most of the time I’m looking to cause a reaction because blogging can be
a lonely sort of thing unless people write back to you because once you write it and post it, if no one comments you don’t
know if anyone has really read it.
Recently
I had someone tell me off (all the while referring to me as “Mr. Scott” which reminded me of what the four year
olds I taught dance to back in the day used to call me) he went off about a blog I wrote about the men in the US who wear
kilts. http://hubpages.com/hub/Men-In-The-US-Who-Wear-Kilts You know, the ones who aren’t wearing them from a culture perspective but more so because
they want people to look at them and no doubt they are the lead “Hozah!” person at their local Renaissance faire.
(http://hubpages.com/hub/Renaissance_People_Scare_Me) How dare I tell people what to wear? Come on, we all know that most of these guys have “loser”
written somewhere on them and no one wants to look under their kilt to find out exactly where. Though what this guy had to
say wasn’t as bad as the reaction I got to telling people over forty not to wear sleeveless shirts. (http://hubpages.com/hub/Do_Not_Go_Sleeveless_After_Forty_Just_Trust_Me_On_This_One) Oy gut, you would have thought I had killed someone and in fact, one person got so upset with
me that I had to write a rebuttal blog just for him. (http://hubpages.com/hub/Joe_Must_Be_A_Good_Gay_Son_-_Hub_Comment_Rebuttal) And do you know what? I loved every minute of it.
That’s right, what people don’t realize is that when they’re
telling me off, it’s bringing the largest smile to my face imaginable. I love that they sit at their computers (no doubt
with orange Cheetos stained fingers) typing away to tell me off. For the most part they get to remain anonymous
with their snappy screen names they’ve made up and yet it makes them feel better to tell someone off and do you know
what? It makes me feel better too.
After
posting a video blog about not caring about Clay Aiken coming out I loved that someone wrote into YouTube stating, “This
is ridiculous. Watch your mouth, gay bitch!” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4GLhjvVZ6M) The best part was when I went to this loser’s YouTube page and discovered that it was
nothing but Clay Aiken videos and tributes to the singer. No doubt this was exactly one of the people I was talking about
in my video blog and no doubt this person just doesn’t “get me” and I’m okay with that – Don’t
Get Me Started!
Forty-Something Gay, Episode 51 – Take My Advice, Don’t Take Anyone’s Advice!
Episode
51 – Take My Advice, Don’t Take Anyone’s Advice! When it comes to doctors, always get a second opinion.
When it comes to financial advisers, ask to see their own personal account balance. And when it comes to call centers, never
take what the first person says if they say they can’t do something…call back!
Why Should We Average Americans Tell The Truth On Our Taxes?
Why Should We Average
Americans Tell The Truth On Our Taxes? – Don’t Get Me Started!
So all ready there are two political figures in the new Obama administration
under scrutiny for their past tax returns. Tom Daschle, who “stepped down” while they were trying to confirm him
as the new Secretary of Health and Human Services as well as Nancy Killifer who was supposed to be the first ever Chief Performance
Officer is said to be “stepping down” due to some previous year’s tax difficulties. I think we’ve
all known for years that it’s the rich with their high powered accounting people who end up paying little to no taxes
while us poor shlubs end up paying a ton (respectively) due to the fact that we have no dummy corporations to show major losses
just so we won’t end up paying Uncle Sam. Well my question is that if our elected officials and the richy rich don’t
have to tell the truth then why should we “average Americans” tell the truth on our taxes? – Don’t
Get Me Started!
Years ago when I
was doing theatre and my income was a series of 1099s at the end of each year I would always end up owing so much in taxes
that it was a little like having a credit card that you can’t ever buy anything with because it’s always over
its limit. The IRS would send me threatening letters and then eventually I would go on a payment plan where they would not
only make the original money I owed but they would also get much more in penalties and interest. I would get screwed on my
$23,000.00 a year income big time and each month I would have to find a way to pay that IRS payment along with all my other
bills. It was years before I found out that I could actually itemize and take deductions so for years the government got more
money out of me than a pimp does from his whore on a Saturday night.
And this is exactly what I’m talking about. If anyone should be getting additional help to figure
out the whole tax thing it should be the people who can’t afford an accountant to find the loopholes. And as someone
who one year had a friend from theatre do my taxes when he went through the H & R Block course (but was really a juggler)
I can tell you that he dropped more than a few of my balls that year and I ended up paying through the nose. (Which incidentally
was another trick this juggler could do - produce a ball out of his nose and then juggle it!)
Through the years I’ve learned my lesson. I go to a tax
professional now and listen each year as she looks at me in disgust that in the past year I haven’t bought a house,
run a business into the ground or donated a kidney to someone from a third world country in order to get a tax break. I pay
her money to basically glance at the receipts I’ve put together and shake her head at me. If I wanted to pay for this
kind of disapproval I’d go to a church, put money in the collection plate and listen to the pastor talk about how us
gays are going to hell. Honestly, the experience doesn’t feel too different.
Some years I think that I’m going to get a refund so I go running (arms
outstretched tears in my eyes) to my appointment with the accountant but this is not one of those years. I have a feeling
I’m going to owe big time. I have a feeling that I’m going back on the “payment plan” that is similar
to the student loan I paid off for ten years when I only went to college for one semester. I know the fault is my own that
I don’t educate myself more about what’s best to get me the best tax breaks or whatever but hey, what do you want
from a guy who only went to college long enough to get a student ID for the discounts? (Some stereotypes about Jews are correct
my friends)
Still, if the smartest
and most famous people in the world get caught lying on their taxes (I’m thinking Sammy Davis, Jr. – after his
death, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes as well as the current political figures) who could afford the craftiest of accountants
in the world, what chance does a moron like me with his strip mall accountant stand? Better to lower my head and go on the
payment plan once again but I don’t mind telling you that it irks me…a lot! Why should we “average Americans”
tell the truth on our taxes? – Don’t Get Me Started!
Jessica Simpson Is Fat, Michael Phelps Smokes Weed, Just How Slow Of A News Day Does It Have To Be For This To Be What Everyone
Is Talking About?
Jessica Simpson Is
Fat, Michael Phelps Smokes Weed, Just How Slow Of A News Day Does It Have To Be For This To Be What Everyone Is Talking About?
– Don’t Get Me Started!
It all started last week when all of the supposed “Entertainment News” shows kept showing the same three
photos of Jessica Simpson in some high-waisted jeans that no one should ever wear with a big ass belt that subsequently also
made her ass look bigger than big. It was on every channel. Was she fat? Was she just an average American girl? Should America
celebrate her figure or damn her and her thighs to the hell that can only be reserved for people who didn’t manage to
make the cut to get on The Biggest Loser and were certainly never going to be celebrities? Then over the weekend Britain’s
OK Magazine came forward with the photos of Michael Phelps smoking from a bong. It had quotes from people who were there (who
no doubt were looking for their own fleeting seconds of fame) who said, “He took to the bong like a fish to water. He
knew exactly what he was doing.” And through it all I had to wonder, Jessica Simpson is fat, Michael Phelps smokes weed,
just how slow of a news day does it have to be for this to be what everyone is talking about? – Don’t Get Me Started!
First allow me to go on record as saying that
I don’t think Jessica Simpson is fat. I also want to go on record as saying that I have never nor do I ever imagine
being interested in Jessica Simpson for very much so she could blow up like a tick and I really wouldn’t care. I don’t
think that Jessica Simpson is the anti-Christ but I also don’t think she’s so talented that I would pre-order
anything she had anything to do with on Amazon.com. If I were Jessica Simpson’s publicist, I would be thrilled that
anyone was talking about Jessica Simpson for any reason and I’m sure she feels the same way too. I love all the blogs
that have rushed to her defense and that even days after the story “broke” that they’re all still covering
it. Is there any reason for this? Do we need the escape from the economy and $20 Million in Wall Street bonuses that will
never come our way so badly that we suddenly care about Jessica Simpson’s weight this much?
And what of Michael Phelps and his bong usage? Am I the only
one who doesn’t care about this either? I have a friend who was simply outraged by the whole thing. She began her tirade
from that unenviable position in an argument that she was a mother and that I wouldn’t know what it felt like to have
impressionable children at home who look up to someone and see them doing drugs. Well, if that’s the case I would have
been “over the rainbow” years ago with Judy Garland. While I loved her and loved everything she did, knowing she
was a drug addict didn’t make me get up off of my knee from lip syncing to her version of “Swanee” looking
to score some uppers. And isn’t a parent’s job to teach their kids that they can look up to someone but understand
that humans are not perfect so they must be their own person and be the best person they can be themselves? In translation
from my youth, “So, if Judy Garland jumped off a bridge you think you should too? Nice, you really want to kill you
mother dead?”
I get it, a
lot of people are celebrity crazy. Some people would think they won the lottery if they saw someone from the Real World out
at dinner and they accidentally bumped into them. They would tell the story over and over again as if the biggest celebrity
of all time had actually had some sort of interaction with them. But what I discovered long ago was that celebrities aren’t
some special breed of human that deserves any more respect than the person who lives next door. In fact
celebrities seem to only be as good as their falls from grace. Because we love to build them up and knock them down. Still
I don’t care that Jessica Simpson is fat, Michael Phelps smokes weed, just how slow of a news day does it have to be
for this to be what everyone is talking about? – Don’t Get Me Started!
Okay Starbucks, Enough All Ready With The Cold Cup Lids
Okay Starbucks, Enough
All Ready With The Cold Cup Lids – Don’t Get Me Started!
I know that at this point what we should all be worried about is the latest round of layoffs of employees
and the closing of yet another 100 Starbucks locations but with so many Starbucks around I don’t think any of us (even
in its heyday) really got why there needed to be a Starbucks every fifteen feet. If you ever go to Seattle (home of the first
Starbucks) you’ll be absolutely amazed at how there are more Starbucks locations than people. Honestly I don’t
know how you would ever say to someone, “Meet me at the Starbucks on Pike” without having to go into some long
explanation of what the stores are next to the Starbucks and possibly having to also give the street grate information in
order to assist someone to find you in the right Starbucks. But as I get my iced coffee beverage every morning I have to say
that with everything Starbucks gets right there is one thing they have continued to get wrong and at this point it’s
just on my nerves. Okay Starbucks, enough all ready with the cold cup lids – Don’t Get Me Started!
When I first started getting iced beverages from
Starbucks I never gave the lid much thought. Let me rephrase that, I never gave the lid any thought other than if the barista
had filled the cup too full and it was dripping down the sides of the cup from the lid. But about a year or so ago, the lid
changed and so has my life. (I know it sounds dramatic but that’s my job, right?) At first the manager of my daily Starbucks
haunt told me that they had ordered the wrong kind of lids and so that if you took one of the straws for a Venti cup (which
is made from a stronger sturdier plastic than the regular straws) instead of the regular straws, it was easier to penetrate
the cup surface. It was almost as if the scoring they put on the top of the cup was just for show. Oh, it looked the same
as the original lids but there was no flexibility as the old lid had so as you pressed your straw into the lid it gave and
bent the petals of the lid inward to not only allow the straw in but also assist in keeping the beverage in the cup itself
should it tip. Not only was the new lid not flexible, you almost had to have a running start to get the straw in the damn
cup. You couldn’t just simply push the straw in, you had to start from a higher plane and really jam the straw in (most
of the time creating a sort of volcanic reaction where the beverage would spew out of the top of the lid as the plastic poker
displaced the fluid). If you had ordered a Tall or Grande you would have to actually cut the straw down when you got to work
so as to not jab yourself in the eye with it when trying to get a drink.
Like most things in life, you begin to get used to the way things are after they’ve been changed,
even when you don’t want to at all. Every morning I would un-wrap my straw while waiting for my beverage and I would
firmly wrap my fist around it in order to ready myself for the task at hand. My bicep would get as taught as if I was working
out and I would practice the motion of jabbing the straw into the cup, looking like Norman Bates stabbing Janet Leigh in the
shower in Psycho! I know it made people afraid of me, hell it made me afraid of myself frankly but at least it was now part
of my routine, I guess.
Then last
week everything changed again. I know that they say that nothing stays the same but this whole Starbucks lid thing while a
small annoyance seems to have changed for no good reason yet again. The new “new” lid has the feature of having
so much scoring that it looks like an asterisk or some sort of star like configuration. So one would think that with all that
extra scoring that you could go back to the normal straw and that it would easily slide its way into the cup right? Wrong!
The new plastic lid is so hard that when you do get the straw in, it squeezes the straw to a point where you have to suck
hard enough to give yourself an aneurysm to actually get any of the fluid up the straw and into your mouth. If you try to
bend in some of the petals to assist the straw to retain its God given shape, the plastic actually cracks and should the petals
pop out instead of inside the cup you’ll discover that you now have a weapon like one of those ninja stars or at the
very least you’ll cut yourself on the hard plastic. Enough, I’ve had enough.
I know in my heart of hearts that the reason this lid change happened
in the first place was due to money. I’m sure that someone somewhere in the corporate offices decided that they could
save money if they simply used a cheaper lid but people come on, didn’t you try one before you had them mass produced
and sent out to annoy the crap out of your customers? And once you did the first dud, didn’t you learn your lesson and
test the new “new” lid? I know with the economy and everything else there are bigger things we should all be worried
about but with everyone in a constant state of annoyance does anyone think that pissing people off first thing in the morning
before they’ve had their coffee is a good idea? I don’t. We can only hope that when the next
version (or the new new “new”) lid comes along that they’ll either go back to the original cup lid or they’ll
make one that actually works and doesn’t annoy. But just know this Starbucks, as that executive who decided to change
the lids tries to tell you that none of the customers have noticed the difference, they’re wrong, dead wrong. Okay Starbucks,
enough all ready with the cold cup lids – Don’t Get Me Started!
began years
ago when I was at dinner with a producer from a dinner theater where I worked for eleven years. (It's what I refer to
as My Dazzling Dinner Theater Days)
I was riled up about something and this producer
said, "You should have a radio show where people call and get you fired up and you just go off." As I had a reputation
for going on a tirade the likes of Dixie Carter on Designing Women (remember this was years ago) and as I was constantly starting
my sentences with the phrase above; when I started blogging I decided that this might be a way to get my rants out to the
public at large.
I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing
them.
Scott
Forty-Something Gay
Since the site began in August of 2006, people have been writing in (okay, mostly my Mother) telling me that
I needed to do a video blog (or “vblog”) like Rosie and everyone else in the world. Writing the “Don’t
Get Me Started” blog five times a week is daunting enough without adding video production on top of it. Plus, what would
be different about the video blog from the written blog? After the huge response from my blog about being a Forty-Something
Gay during Pride week, it hit me that my video blog would feature topics for us garden variety Forty-Something Gays! I hope
you enjoy them as well as the rest of the Some Like It Scott site!
Some Music While You Read?
At the request of Some Like It Scott reader, Grayson (though
I'm sure some others agree) you can now read or listen or read and listen when on the "Don't Get Me Started"
page. Click below to turn the music on and scroll to the bottom to find out what you're listening to!
That's right, Don't Get Me Started! I have no
idea what I was thinking. Well, not true, I thought it looked fabulous. The hair was sufficiently “palmed” out
to give it height and that’s not a shadow you see behind my head, it’s the true bi-level cut of the 80’s
going on, not a mullet, my friends, an honest to goodness Duran Duran inspired bi-level! I had purchased this Gulden's
mustard colored all silk suit at Bloomingdale's with the collarless purple silk shirt and just knew I looked fabulous.
(What a difference a decade or so makes, huh?)
Anyway, I was simply overwhelmed by how many people wrote in telling
me about their hair and fashion disasters, everything from a "Super Freak" outfit to get into a Rick James concert
to a swell guy who wrote about his perm that gave him that “greatest star” Streisand “Star Is Born”
look, or so he thought until he reflected back on it “with one more look at you.”
What's your fashion disaster that was caught on film?
I don’t know how anyone still watches Entertainment Tonight. I also don’t know how the Octuplet Mom became fodder
for an entertainment show but apparently like the sideshows at the old carnivals she’s considered entertainment (to
some). I also am amazed that Entertainment Tonight, The Insider and there’s one more that I can’t think of at
the moment all run right after one another and they’re really the same show with all the same stories. Whether it’s
Mary Hart yelling at you in HD or the other blonde chick yelling into the camera on the other show, I can only imagine that
since they’re in a studio with no live audience that either they have a sinus problem or that they have ear buds in
for the director to tell them what to say, they can’t hear and are screaming at us. But recently my television rested
for a moment on Entertainment Tonight and there she was…Mary Hart. And she was more embarrassing than I remembered.
Mary Hart needs to act her age, especially around the Jonas Brothers – Don’t Get Me Started!
If you believe what Heidi Klum says about fashion on Project Runway, “One day you’re in and the next day you’re
out” then I would have to say that the fashion industry (and more to the point, those who write about the fashion industry)
are out…or at the very least have lost some credibility. Now look, I get that the fashion industry is filled with twenty-somethings
who haven’t eaten since they were six but come on, there are still some how shall I put it, “senior” designers
out there who should know better. Fashion Week February 2009 gives the 1980’s credit for the shoulder pad…they’re
wrong – Don’t Get Me Started!
