A 2007 Some Like It Scott Year In Review

My brother is a highly intelligent man whom I respect greatly so in a recent conversation about my writing (the fact that I do my best to write at least 5 blogs a week and then supplement the other pages of my site when I can which also includes producing a video blog each week) he said to me, “Wow, you’re really prolific.” Now to anyone else, they would take this comment at face value, for after all, it is true. But the insecure me took it to mean, “You’re writing a lot, period – no comment on whether it’s good or crap, there’s just a lot of it.” Now I know that my brother wasn’t intentionally skirting the issue of telling me he liked my writing for he has told me on a number of occasions previously, still it made me reflect on all the blogs I’ve written over the past year. True, some I like a lot while others not so much but when I looked over all of them I discovered that my brother was indeed right…if you can’t say anything else about me, I’m prolific. So here’s a blog from each month of 2007 for you to read (or re-read, God willing you’ve been reading my stuff all year) and as we venture into 2008, let’s all be prolific in everything we do (according to the definition – highly productive; producing ideas or works frequently and in large quantities)

January 2007

I’m Apparently Not Gay Enough!

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.01.01_arch.html#1168885840042

February 2007

Valentine’s Gay – A Holiday Massacre (okay, I included this because I love the line about gay singles being like Kraft cheese slices)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.02.01_arch.html#1171570006123

March 2007

Hillary and Barack Love Us, Hate Us, Just Tell Us! (It makes me crazy when political figures – especially those running for President spend so much time straddling the fence about issues like us gays that they practically need a Tuck’s medicated pad for their assholes!)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.03.01_arch.html#1173979873385

April 2007

Christians Should Passover Easter (I’m the first Jew to admit that the Christians have it all over us when it comes to Christmas but come on, when it comes to Easter and Passover, we’re the religion to be!)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.04.01_arch.html#1175789833478

May 2007

What Do We Leave? Nothing Much. Only Dinner Theatre (the theatre where Michael and I met and worked for eleven years closed this year. It was emotional not only because of the closing but also being so very far away when it happened)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.05.01_arch.html#1179374065316

June 2007

Forty-Something Gay Pride (This blog created a lot of comments and even got me published in a newsletter!)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.06.01_arch.html#1182357122112

July 2007

At Least Ten Reasons I Wouldn’t Make A Good Male Prostitute! (This blog still makes me laugh. May not have been the most popular one but knowing me the way I know me, it indeed makes me chuckle. Hope it does the same for you!)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.07.01_arch.html#1184690542819

August 2007

Gays In The Workplace – The New Ant Farm For Straights! (Sometimes things in everyday life just hit me as something I need to write about and this was definitely one of those cases.)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.08.01_arch.html#1187280341085

September 2007

Celebrities: Do We Really Build Them Up Just To Knock Them Down? (None of us can escape celebrities and God knows, it keeps bloggers blogging so here I began to examine the phenomenon that is celebrity and how much we enjoy knocking them down a little too much!)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.09.01_arch.html#1189614301277

October 2007

Random Acts Of Niceness

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.10.01_arch.html#1193408850735

November 2007

Can You Really Put A Price Tag On Hate Or Its Ultimate Cost? (There are times when I can’t help but get on my soap box and yet there are other times that I have to wonder if we do the right things to get the real results we desire when faced with people who believe everything we don’t.)

http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.11.01_arch.html#1193925108188

December 2007

60 Minutes Confirms The Military Is Using Gays Like A Drunken Frat Boy (In this day and age it almost seems ridiculous that we’re still debating about gays in the military but alas, we are and to no one’s surprise, they’re finding a way to keep us…that is when they really need us) http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2007.12.01_arch.html#1197988365454

 Have a swell 2008 kids!

Scott

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It’s Official, I’ve Become My Grandmother! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’m suddenly reminded of the scene from the movie Young Frankenstein when Gene Wilder is spending his first night in the castle. He’s sleeping but you can tell that he’s having a dream as he screams, “Destiny, destiny, no escaping, that’s for me!” Well, it feels a little bit like that to me for here I am a good three hours early for my flight at the airport. I should have known that I couldn’t escape the trappings of family traits that are beyond our control. It’s official, I’ve become my Grandmother! – Don’t Get Me Started!

My father’s mother, “Mom-Mom” (to my brother and me) was a highly clean and organized woman. I suppose that’s due to the fact that she took care of her brothers and sisters from an early age as she was the eldest and her mother had passed at an early age. I never quite understood her need to constantly be cleaning something but hey, it made her happy. I remember when she used to come visit us on vacation. At first it would make my mother crazy that her mother in-law was cleaning her house from the minute she got in the door. But after a few years, my mother got used to it. Let’s face it, it was better than watching her sitting there with her leg shaking uncontrollably because she wasn’t cleaning. I guess in this day and age you would call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but we just call it Bella Syndrome for Bella was her name.

I don’t really recall my Grandmother sitting and eating an entire meal with the family ever. All day she would be in the kitchen (the dining room table had been set since 5am when she got up for the dinner - breakfast and lunch were always served in the kitchen) so she would be working all day in the kitchen and then at dinner as soon as everyone sat down, she would make sure everyone was served first (I think this was a carry over from her youth when she knew they had little and a large family, therefore she let everyone else eat before her as a mother would do for her children). After everyone had their plates full she’d put a few items on her plate. It was never a plate full of food, ever. If you asked her, she would say something like, “Hon, I nibbled while I was cooking so I’m not all that hungry.” I’ll never know if that was true or if she just wanted to make sure we all had enough, more than enough just in case we wanted more. She was mindful to tell us what to leave for our father as this or that was supposedly his favorite that she had made for him and she always prepared my grandfather’s plate for him. And as soon as she had finished the small portions on her plate she went straight to the kitchen where she made coffee and started cleaning her plate. (The pots and pans had been washed way before the meal ever began) She would then make continual trips to the dining room (rarely letting anyone help her) to stand over everyone so that she could get a hold of the plate the minute you were done. In reading this it may not seem that she could have possibly derived joy from these meals but I know that she did. If she could, she would have had all her brothers, sisters, their families and her own children every night. If you stopped by my grandmother’s (and her brothers stopped over almost every day for lunch, while her sisters had houses that were on either side of hers so they were over all day) there was always a meal for you. Not just a snack, a meal.

But even more than these meals (that I miss so very much along with her and the other members of my family that are no longer with us) I remember her always being ready way earlier than she ever needed to be for everything. If she was coming to visit us, she was packed three days in advanced. If it was a holiday dinner coming up, then the table may have been set three days prior. God forbid you would touch anything to move a fork or anything out of place.

The thing about family genes is that you can’t escape them. My parents are always early and my mate is always late which makes them crazy and me too at times. (However, there’s a real part of me that thinks God sent Michael to me so that I wouldn’t be so crazed about getting everywhere early to ensure I was there in time to be on time.) But the amazing part is that my eight year old niece (who never had the opportunity to meet her great-grandmother) packs three days in advance if she’s coming to visit us and when she gets to her pink princess room (my parents had created for her in their home and she’s now grown out of a bit) she goes straight to her work unpacking, organizing the drawers and bringing anything that does not belong in “her room” (as there are times when my parents just use this room for storage) to my Mother to do something with as after all, it doesn’t belong in her room. As the old saying goes, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

And so here I am at the airport with another two hours to go. Watching all the people and thinking about all of the material for blogs that are walking around here. I guess it’s not so bad to inherit the habits of cleanliness and promptness but right now I’m feeling as though that these are a few genes I could live without. With this I just noticed I’m shaking my foot. Oy vey, no escaping my genes today! It’s official, I’ve become my Grandmother! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Far From The Home I Love – Don’t Get Me Started!

Yes, I’m one of those Jews that think that Fiddler On The Roof is one of the best musicals ever written. Most of the music I listen to is Broadway soundtracks, I’m not afraid to admit it. I don’t care if anyone thinks that it’s stereotypical. I love show tunes, I’m gay and I’m okay with it. And if you’re not, frankly my dears I don’t give a damn. So recently while listening to the Fiddler soundtrack I came across the song that just kills me. Now I’ve said it before, my family is so far up one another’s asses that none of us can make a move without the other knowing. So every year I have to be asked the same question which is why I travel back east for Christmas, a holiday that isn’t even mine to own or celebrate. To those of us in relationships we know exactly why we do this and while it seems perfect to be a Christian and Jew in a relationship (Hanukkah with my family, Christmas with his) every year I find myself explaining why I must travel to a distant land, far from the home I love – Don’t Get Me Started!

So for today’s entry, I want to share with you the classic lyrics written by Sheldon Harnick for Fiddler On The Roof. And I’ll just bet you that if you’re someone like me who is traveling away from your family this year to go to your spouse’s family (yeah, yeah, I know, their family is your family we’re all family but you get what I mean) these words will most likely resonate within you as they do in me.

Far From The Home I Love
How can I hope to make you understand
Why I do what I do,
Why I must travel to a distant land,
Far from the home I love.
Once I was happily content to be
As I was, where I was,
Close to the people who are close to me,
Here in the home I love.
Who could see that a man could come
Who would change the shape of his dreams.
Helpless now I stand with him,
Watching older dreams grow dim.
Oh, what a melancholy choice this is,
Wanting home, wanting him,
Closing my heart to ev'ry hope but his,
Leaving the home I love,
There where my heart has settled long ago
I must go, I must go, I must go,
Who could imagine I'd be wand'ring so
Far from the home I love
Yet there with my love, I'm home.

I can’t wait to see Michael and his family and yes, there with my love, I am indeed home because some clichés are true, home is where the heart is and he carries mine with him. Far from the home I love – Don’t Get Me Started!

 
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Okay, I Admit It I’m A Closet Christmas Music Listener – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’m not very proud of this however what is it they say about confession being good for your soul? Well, my soul could use a little good at the moment so here goes. Every year I create a DVD for my guy’s family filled with photos and video of the previous year’s Christmas. This is not some transfer files over and burn to disc affair. No, everything I do must be overproduced and loved. Not liked, not, “oh that’s sweet” but adored. And it’s not just because it’s Michael’s family. No, I make everyone crazy with my craziness for making sure that everything is just so. Every word on every blog has to say exactly what I want it to convey, every video blog gets even more scrutiny because I have to look at myself so the yearly DVD has gone from a “fun idea” to a complete chore due to my own standards. This includes a holiday soundtrack to beat the band. And so over the last few years of doing this I have amassed the largest collection of Christmas music any Jew shouldn’t own. Okay, I admit it I’m a closet Christmas music listener – Don’t Get Me Started!

Years ago my mother used to come to the Christmas show I performed in every year and every year she would say the same thing, “What happened to Silver Bells? Why don’t they ever put Silver Bells in the show? That’s a good song. I love when Johnny Mathis sings it.” That’s right, my mother loves the Christmas music too so maybe that’s where I got it from but for whatever reason (and I’d never admit this to her, I like the Silver Bells too). I remember when the a cappella group, Take 6 put out their first album I bought it. My brother’s musical taste is as eclectic as it comes so I was so excited for him to hear this group. I remember we were in my car and I played some song I really liked and he was like, “They’re singing about Jesus. What are you doing listening to music about Jesus?” Confused I said to him, “I just love the harmonies, I don’t care what they’re singing about these guys are great.” My brother, “Hmmm, just a little odd, don’t you think? We’re Jewish, you know that, right?” Switching from the CD to the radio I said, “Yeah, I know that.” “Good” said my brother.

Maybe it’s my love of music in general that makes me just love some Christmas music. I love the harmonies of the carols, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town and if Jingle Bell Rock comes on the radio, be prepared to have it turned up and should you be driving in front of me and look in your rear view mirror, make no mistake that I will indeed be rocking out.

So this year I bought the Bette Midler “Cool Yule” CD. That’s right, I didn’t download it, I actually bought the CD (so that I could see the pics and read any linear notes) and let me just say, I’m loving it so much that it not only is in my car but I’ve actually been working out to it and the title track is on my home page (www.somelikeitscott.com ). And yes one of the CD’s tracks made it onto the famous family Christmas DVD. I didn’t really think about it when I was putting the song on but it dawned on me after I’d burned all the DVDs and was watching them to make sure each one worked properly. The song is a duet by Bette Midler and Johnny Mathis. Kind of funny if you consider that Bette Midler is Jewish and Johnny Mathis is a black man. Hmmm…chances are my subconscious realized that art was imitating my reality!

Now let me say that I’m not one of those people who would listen to this music all year round or something, everything has its place and in order to stay special it need not be heard until Thanksgiving each year (are you listening radio stations and retail locations?) and needs to go away on December 26^th before I start wanting to roll a Mannheim Steamroller over Brenda Lee.

I guess I’m not the first Jew to think that “Up On The Housetop” is a better tune than say “The Dradel Song” or “Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah, come light the menorah.” And I do feel guilty for having so many Christmas albums so that’s something Jewish, right? And what about Barbra Streisand and Midler – both Jews singing the Christmas music? If they can sing it I can buy it and hum along right? So there, I’m officially coming clean on the whole Christmas music thing and I feel better, don’t you? Okay, I admit it I’m a closet Christmas music listener – Don’t Get Me Started!

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60 Minutes Confirms The Military Is Using Gays Like A Drunken Frat Boy – Don’t Get Me Started!

Army Sergeant Darren Manzella, a medical liaison for his division, told his tale on 60 minutes and apparently this fairy’s tale is less uncommon than most would think with the current “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in place. Manzella claims that he was out to his army buddies and even introduced his boyfriend around and no one seemed to care. That is until the anonymous emails came in telling him he was being watched and to “turn down the flame.” “As in flamingly gay?” asked Leslie Stahl? “Yes,” Manzella says. But here comes the somewhat shocking part…apparently Manzella went to his battalion commander and told him he was a homosexual. The commander let him know that he would have to report him. Manzella wanted the truth to come out for his own sanity and during the investigation that ensued, Manzella submitted photos of him and his boyfriend and even a video of a road trip which included them kissing. The shocker is that Manzella was told “there was no evidence of homosexuality and go back to work.” So how can this be, right? I’ll tell you how, because they needed Manzella (who was a specialist) and the need outweighed his homosexuality. Much like a drunken frat boy who wants to “get off” and doesn’t care who it is, apparently the military is following suit. 60 Minutes confirms the military is using gays like a drunken frat boy – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’m not completely surprised by this story or the others that came out on the 60 Minutes broadcast. What I’m surprised about is that it’s taken so long for this to come out. You see, we all get that despite what the White House keeps trying to feed us, this war is not going so well. And we also know that like that fabulous B movie from the 1960’s, “Mars Needs Women”, War Needs Soldiers. So when the government started getting desperate, lowering their recruiting standards, giving waivers to allow convicted felons, lowering mental standards and lowering physical standards to get people to sign up, anyone without these diminished capacities would certainly have to realize that at some point they’d start looking the other way as the gays joined the ranks…if they needed them.

Army Major Daniel Davis appeared on the show out of uniform but kept the company line strong.

When asked by Stahl, “What do you think would happen if a unit with a gay person went out into a combat situation?”

Davis replied, “In my view, men are going to die, units are going to fail that would otherwise not fail, that would otherwise not die.”

Stahl pressed him by asking, “Didn’t they say the same things about blacks?”

Davis countered, “You know, I’ve heard that many times.”

“And then cohesion was achieved.” Stahl states

“However, if you have a moral or religious issue you cannot order me to bond and cohese with that person,” Davis says. “Because he’s morally repugnant to me.”

There’s lots more hate where that came from spouted by Davis and others and don’t think for one second, the white good old boys club that is the military isn’t still “repugged” by blacks and women right along with the gays. (Albeit they have to do a better job of hiding those prejudices due to the laws that are out there now.)

And while I’d like to get all fired up about the military looking the other way when the gay has a skill they need and it suits them, I can’t do it. I can’t do it because the military isn’t what worries me. Sure, I feel that gays should be allowed to serve openly but what bothers me more are the people sitting around who say we shouldn’t be able to serve.

I had a close friend years ago and I kidded her that she was a Southern Belle because she was from the south and after all if the hoop skirt fits…We eventually lived in different states but talked often. It was during the whole start of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” that our conversation turned to the policy and her thoughts. In all sincerity she said to me, “I don’t think that gays should be allowed in the military but you know, you’re my friend and if you wanted to be in the military, I would want you to do and be whatever you want.” What she didn’t realize was that most gays were like me, not some subhuman creature waiting to rape straight men and convert children into gays as we were portrayed. And what she wanted for me I not only deserved but so did every other homosexual out there. The calls between us became farther apart.

She married a man who had been in the army who was also a good old Southerner too. After they were married about a year, I went to their home for dinner. I don’t know how the subject came up but this good old boy (knowing full well my mate was a black man) went on and on at dinner about how the blacks had put themselves down and in the situation that they were in, that the white people had no culpability for the plight of African Americans in US history or today. I can’t say I was surprised but I was disgusted. I tried to hide my disgust toward him but still voice my opinion. “In my lifetime whites didn’t allow blacks to drink out of the same fountains. Think about it, drinking from a fountain! How can that not affect us all and how can we all not share just a little shame if there’s any decency within us?” I left their house and never saw them again. I hope they’re well and happy but people with these kinds of beliefs have no place in my life.

I hope that the gays eventually get to serve openly. My head starts swirling with quotes like the now famous words of Rodney King who was beaten by Los Angeles police, “Can’t we all just get along?” or the Elephant Man who in the film says, “I am not an animal, I am a human being.” But such phrases are lost on the likes of Army Major Davis and many others. So until equality arrives, we gays are going to have to be a little smarter too so that we don’t find ourselves taken advantage of no matter who it may be. We have to be realistic and at the same time not let people use us. We can’t go home with a drunk straight guy (even if he’s Uncle Sam) and expect him to wake up the next morning wanting to adopt children and buy a Land Rover with us. 60 Minutes confirms the military is using gays like a drunken frat boy – Don’t Get Me Started!

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So Just Who Do You Think MAKES The Yuletide Gay? – Don’t Get Me Started!

As the Christmas holiday runs up on us like a drunken tailgater with bad brakes, I once again find great humor in the images and voices we see this time of year touting “family values” “Doing the Christian thing” and of course the clamoring many do about wondering what the big man himself, “Jesus Christ” would do? For all of you who are doing last minute shopping, getting your hair done or even just doing a little banking before the holidays, allow me to introduce you to those people you’re keeping from marrying, laugh at on television when portrayed as flaming queens and are secretly hoping your son Mike who now wants to be known as Michael K. instead of just Mike isn’t one of “us”…the gays. That’s right, as my grandmother used to say, we’re everywhere but during the holidays as you lick your hand to smooth down Susie’s cowlick for that perfect holiday photo just know that somewhere along the way a gay made your holidays as bright as they are by designing that sweater Susie is wearing, by selling it to you at Macy’s and finally by taking that family photo of yours (and airbrushing it to make you look prettier than you are). And we gays did it all without wondering whether or not you would accept us or not (believe it or not). So just who do you think MAKES the yuletide gay? – Don’t Get Me Started!

You see, we gays tend to be a little like the dog you make stay outside on Christmas because the house is full of people. We stand at the back glass door with our noses pressed against it, seeing our breath cloud against the glass and wondering when we’ll be let inside to get warm and be fed. The difference of course is that the dog can’t tell you you’re an asshole, all they can do is shit on the rug to send their message. But believe me when I say that sometimes I think we gays should do some more shitting in the right places (fetishes and Senator Larry Craig aside).

I’m one of the lucky gays in that I’ve always just been who I am and therefore you either accepted and loved me, beat me up or ignored me. I’ve surrounded myself with the right kind of people both personally and professionally so that I don’t have to get up every morning and put on a mask like that horrid greasy crap makeup Adrian Arpel sells on QVC. But for some reason when the holidays roll around, I tend to think about all the gays who aren’t as fortunate as I am. Does that sound strange? Aren’t we supposed to only be thinking about those who are less fortunate than us in the way of needing a home or food and not gays that have no peace on earth within themselves? Well, call me near sighted or whatever you like but I do think about the gays that will sit through endless hours of questions from relatives like, “When are you going to meet a nice girl and settle down?” or even the ones who will hear, “It’s just a phase you’re going through. Don’t worry, one day you’ll meet a woman and everything will click and you’ll be fine.” Not to mention the gays who refuse to accept their gayness and will drink enough alcohol so that their unwanted advances on a cousin’s fiancé can be passed off as drunkenness and not gayness. No doubt all of these scenarios will play out this holiday season and for those gays who fall into any of these categories, just know that the rest of us hope the gift you give yourself this year is understanding and compassion. (Dear God, I suddenly sound like a twelve and a half step program or something)

I know there are people out there who welcome gays with open arms and so for all of us, I say, “thank you.” I’d like to say that you’re the only ones who matter but unfortunately not enough of you make the laws in this country. We gays have to worry about the ones who don’t welcome us. The people who will throw a mocking limp wrist down to their co-workers when we pass by when we’re catering the holiday office party or the people who go to church for midnight mass Christmas Eve sending prayers up to keep Jesus in their hearts and gays out of the military. How silly really that these uninformed people don’t see what is all around them and in everything their holiday is supposed to be about?

Some people say that gay equality can’t and shouldn’t be compared to civil rights but to those people I say, think about all the women and black people kept from history books who shaped this country and then think about someone or someone you’ve heard of that was gay who did something that shaped history and tell me that the country and world aren’t better for it regardless of the person’s sex, skin color or sexual preference? (And believe it or not, we’re not just talking about fashion designers and entertainers.)

So for a moment, I ask you to put on your gay colored glasses with me and see the gays who are working like little elves to make sure that Santa’s on his way. I also ask you to take a minute to let them know you think they’re fabulous. Now don’t become Perez Hilton and start outing people, just be kind, courteous (forward this blog to them) and ask yourself what would Scott do? So just who do you think MAKES the yuletide gay? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Holidayitis – Don’t Get Me Started!

There are phenomenons that happen without us being able to understand them and in some cases even know why or how they exist. Consider women (and men) whose biological clock tells them that it’s time to have children. Or that time each spring when school age children and adults alike find it impossible to study due to the “spring fever” that is in the air. Well try as I might to avoid it; unfortunately I have been stricken with a similar phenomenon that I didn’t want, thought I was immune to and had avoided at all costs. This morning on the radio came the familiar jingle belly sounds of an intro and before I knew it, I was blaring Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” so loud that no doubt they heard me for miles around. Holidayitis – Don’t Get Me Started!

It’s not that I’m suddenly feeling all “holly jolly” (especially since I’m Jewish, Hanukkah has just ended and I just barely got all the melted wax off my menorah and put it away for another year – menorah cleaning tip – cover a cookie sheet in tin foil, place the menorah on the cookie sheet – best if you can to have it tipped so the wax runs out of the candle holders on the menorah onto the tin foil – bake in a 250 degree oven for about five minutes, being sure to keep an eye on it as it may take less time, take it out and use a paper towel to clean off the now re-melted wax. Use a toothpick to remove the pesky burnt down candle wicks and presto you have a clean menorah). It’s not that I’ve suddenly leaned out my window like Scrooge does on Christmas morning and sent a goose over to Bob Cratchit’s it’s that I can’t focus on anything. What’s more, I’ve lost all desire to even try.

I can’t tell you how many business meetings I’ve cancelled because I have the attention span of a small child surrounded by shiny things. Believe me when I say, I need to be working and trying desperately to get the mountain of paperwork lessened on my desk, projects moved forward and things happening but try as I might (shhh…don’t tell my boss) I’m worthless right now. Like a kid seeing the end of his school days soon in sight, I have no idea how I’m going to last until the end of next week giving the appearance of effectiveness. But I can’t help myself, the more I try the worse it gets.

Please don’t get me wrong, I still have no desire to shop, wrap or read the “holiday letter” my pals are going to send me telling me all about Jimmy’s little league status or the fact that Ashley got the role of Sugar Plum Fairy in her dance studio’s mock version of the Nutcracker. (At best I skim these letters for content just in case I see the people and they ask me something about it and never read one all the way through. And if they have pictures then I just look at the pictures and then throw it out – read last year’s blog on the dreaded family update letter people send at holidays here http://www.somelikeitscott.com/2006.12.01_arch.html#1166024690666 ). No, it’s something internal that is making my brain feel like your eyes used to feel when they dilated them at the eye doctor and gave you the paper/plastic film sunglasses to wear. Everything’s just a bit out of focus for me and what’s more, I like it!

Much like the big medical book that my mother uses to diagnose any illness in the family, after it lists all the symptoms it states, “What shall be done?” to let you know what you can do to either cure or make better your current sickness. So kids, what shall be done? As loathed as I am to admit it, I don’t know and what’s more even as I’m writing this not only am I thinking that I don’t want to cure it but I’ve just noticed that I brought an orange in to eat as a snack and I’m hungry. Does this give you any sense of how non sequitur and random my thoughts are at the moment? Ooh look, a shiny card with glitter on it. Holidayitis – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Don’t Jewish Gays Believe That Mitt Romney And Mike Huckabee Are Brothers? – Don’t Get Me Started!

The latest political tiff between the Republicans has got at least this gay Jew laughing up a storm. Apparently in an article in a New York Times Magazine article that isn’t even out yet, Republican presidential hopeful, Mike Huckabee when being asked about his opponent Mitt Romney and the Mormon religion is apparently quoted as asking, “Don’t Mormons believe that Jesus and the devil are brothers?” Although he claims that it was a long interview and he has all ready apologized to Mitt Romney (who supposedly accepted the apology and was “gracious” to Huckabee) me thinks he doth need press too much. Both candidates won on this one as it’s on the front page of everything and the fodder of many a blogger. And so after the riling up of many on my blog the other day about Huckabee I just had to put my two sense (yes, spelled correctly) in. Don’t Jewish gays believe that Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee are brothers? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Although both candidates keep saying that the election shouldn’t be about the candidates’ religious beliefs I think we all know better than that, do we not? Huckabee has been quoted as saying, “I’m just not going to go off evaluating other people’s doctrines and faiths. I think that is absolutely not a role for a president.” While Romney told Matt Lauer on the Today Show that “I think attacking someone’s religion is really going too far. It’s not the American way.” Are you kidding me? With all the people driving around with fishes on their cars telling anyone who doesn’t get personal with Jesus they’re going to hell? That’s absolutely the American way as it’s portrayed by our media (Fox news) and our leaders. Trust me when I say that even if I wasn’t gay I would always be an outsider in this country for not praising Jesus and having a Christmas tree (and not necessarily in that order). What they’re saying is actually right and although as Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” When it comes to this I am (for once) not one of the suckers buying what they’re selling.

Unfortunately for those of us with some level of reason, common sense and not afraid to ask questions we’re not the majority so we’ll always have trouble getting someone elected who isn’t having personal conversations with Jesus (like the guy in office now) or at least someone who can be photographed going to church on Sunday. You can talk all you like about separation of church and state but that’s all it is, just talk. While we shouldn’t elect any official based on their religious beliefs (and it shouldn’t even be announced or a topic for discussion) the facts are that history has shown us that people like people who like Jesus and it does matter to a lot of people. Mostly the people who control wealth and elections.

Now please know that I’m not just criticizing the Republicans here. The Democrats with all their Hollywood cache aren’t much better. They’re so afraid of liking us gays publicly that it’s a bit like the scene in Blazing Saddles when Cleavon Little as the black sheriff of Rock Ridge saves the town and then one of it’s elder citizens comes to the window to give him a pie as a way of thanking him. After he takes the pie she says something to the effect of, “I hope you’ll have the good taste not to mention this to anyone.” That’s how all of these people running for election right now are treating us gays and non-Christians. They want our money, they want our support, they’re just hoping we’ll have the good taste not to mention to anyone that we’ve supported them or ask for any favors say like being treated equal once they’ve been elected.

I’m not a radical, I’m a normal guy working and paying my taxes. And I’m still a dreamer. I dream that there will actually be someone great that will come along who will make us all believe again in the American way but let’s face it, we haven’t had someone like that in a long time and the current landscape is looking pretty barren.

I guess my biggest problem with all of this is that they’re all starting to look alike to me. Are Romney and Huckabee all that different? Are any of the others different from these two shmoes? Sure they may look a little different on the outside but they all belong to a brotherhood of elitism that is for and by the rich. So the only way they can convince average Joes in Iowa that they’re one of them is to point out that at least they all believe in Jesus. That’s the common denominator, the hook. So as they claw their way to the top of their party and possibly the election I wish them all well. And I don’t think that Huckabee’s comment about Jesus and the devil is quite accurate. I remember that when I was little I had a bib that said, “Today I Am An Angel” on one side and on the other, “Today I Am A Devil.” As far as I’m concerned these two both have their bibs on devil side out and I just have to ask, don’t Jewish gays believe that Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee are brothers? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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I Know I’m A Jew But Are These New Christmas Songs The Worst Or What? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Call me old fashioned or whatever you want but for my money, I want to hear about sidewalks busy sidewalks dressed in holiday style and not about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer. When I was in high school we used to sing Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” every year for our annual Christmas concert (yes, it used to be called the Christmas Concert and not Holiday Concert though I was always the one who ended up singing “The Dradel Song” in the show as the token Jew number) and I was even fine with “in excelsis deyo” (mainly because the whole dey-o part made me feel a little like Harry Belafonte) but I gotta tell you that I know I’m a Jew but are these new Christmas songs the worst or what? – Don’t Get Me Started!

 
I’ve done Christmas shows for years and as someone who is a performer and Jew, I’d “fall on my knees” to “oh hear the angels’ voices” as long as someone is paying me.  (And that means I’d sing it in December or August as long as there’s a paycheck. Makes no difference to me they’re just songs. Not only will I sing it but to the chest pains it gives my Mother, I’d make you believe I believed it too). So rest assured that I know all the songs, the classic tenor harmony part to all of the carols and if you needed me to I can even recite ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas or Yes Virginia There Is A Santa Clause, having done all of that at one point or another during my illustrious career. From the classic stuff like Nat King Cole’s “Christmas Song” to the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Song” I could go on Christmas Name That Tune and smoke any Christian they’d put me up against. 

So several years back when I was performing and started to get all the novelty numbers in the holiday shows (being told I was the Danny Kaye of the show – still don’t get that reference as they weren’t patter songs, I’m not a redhead but I am Jewish like him so maybe that’s what the director meant, who knows?) I was given the infamous “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” number. This fact that this number is stupid is a given although it didn’t really matter how swell I sold it, twanged my voice or looked good in my Christmas vest with my cowboy hat because there were other members of the cast behind me (complete with my six foot mate dressed and acting the part of Grandma) that had the audience in stitches therefore not caring if I was singing this song or some satanic heavy metal song. You see a guy in a nightgown and cap always sends audiences into gales of laughter. (There’s your theatrical tip of the day in case you’re directing a show any time soon.) And while I’d like to think this experience shaped my dislike for the newer holiday songs, I know that this is not the case, they are just really bad songs nowadays.

While I hate “Grandma” there’s another song that I hate even more and I can’t seem to turn on a radio without hearing it (even having to be woken up to it one morning on my radio alarm). “The Christmas Shoes” song sung by Bob Carlisle is perhaps the most annoying, cheap sentiment song ever created for Christmas and now as if it wasn’t bad enough having to listen to it; the Lifetime Channel has created a movie based on the song. If you haven’t heard this song let me sum it up for you. A guy is doing last minute shopping when he sees a boy “dirty from head to toe” (I have no idea why it’s supposed to make us feel more for this boy because he’s dirty, but I digress) who is standing there with a pair of shoes. Through the course of the seventeen verses of the song we find out that the boy’s mother is dying and he wants her to have a nice pair of shoes so she looks beautiful when “she meets Jesus tonight” but he doesn’t have enough money to buy the shoes. So the man singing this endless crappy song gives the boy the rest of the money to buy the shoes (couldn’t he have sprung for the full price of the Hush Puppies so the boy could have also bought a bar of soap to get clean?) and the boy rushes home to his dying mother while the narrator of the song says that he knows God sent this boy to him so that he would remember what Christmas is all about. Really? Is buying a dying woman a pair of shoes what Christmas is all about? Is it about shopping? I know I’m Jewish but doesn’t this over commercialized holiday have something to do with someone named Jesus? (And not just looking pretty for Jesus; which frankly seems a little unseemly doesn’t it?) This song is designed to make you cry more than an episode of Extreme Home Makeover but to me it’s just a sappy song that never hits the right note. What’s more is that it’s so freaking annoying that I don’t care if the dirty boy gets his mother’s shoes or the narrator learns anything about Christmas. These types of intentionally written “tug on your heart strings” numbers need not be written, recorded or heard. Give me the old, “Jingle Bell Rock” that I can swing to or “Away In A Manger” that tells a story that has something to do with the holiday, any day.

So I ask as a member of the human race who listens to the radio, will you Christians stop all ready? All the Christmas music that is good or works was all ready created long ago (with the exception of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” song, which is fabulous and adorable). I mean look at all the carols and the songs written from the 1920’s through the 1950’s and then tell me that Wham’s “Last Christmas” or “The Christmas Shoes” song are the same caliber. You can’t convince me. So I don’t mind having to hear all about Jesus for a month every year but I’ll be God Damned if I’m going to listen to songs about dirty kids buying shoes for their mother so she can get a date with Jesus. That’s where I draw the line. I know I’m a Jew but are these new Christmas songs the worst or what? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Mike Huckabee Needs To Be “Isolated” – Don’t Get Me Started!

 Republican presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee has refused to retract a ridiculous harmful and telling statement he made during his unsuccessful Senate run in 1992 calling for the public to “isolate the carriers of the plague” when talking about AIDS patients as quoted from an Associated Press survey. If you ask me, Mike Huckabee needs to be “isolated” – Don’t Get Me Started!

Although he says that he probably wouldn’t make the same statement today with what we know about HIV and never meant that people with AIDS should be “locked up” (enter image of Bette Davis as “Julie” in the movie Jezebel on the “death cart” with “Pres” Henry Fonda being shipped off to Lazarette Island with the rest of the Fever victims to die in exile) he fails to realize that even in 1992 his statement is without merit and promotes both ignorance and indeed isolation. Excuse me Mr. Huckabee but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention concluded in 1985 that AIDS was not transmitted by casual contact so almost ten years later, shouldn’t you have known this and promoted education consistent with these findings? Or was Huckabee trying to get votes (unsuccessfully) by instead of communicating the truth making a conscious choice to help stoke the fires of fear and hate hoping the Christian right would pull his lever instead of touching AIDS patients? Could it be that this former Baptist minister is just doing what he knows, spreading fear and hate instead of acceptance and understanding? You know, like I don’t know, saying we’re all going to hell if we don’t take Jesus into our heart and out to dinner with us?

Although he’s leading in some polls someone has it out for Huckabee so I doubt he’ll last anyway. Frankly, I for one am all ready sick of the political campaigning going on and the more crap that the press bring forward about the supposed choices of candidates the more disgusted I get. Do you think that people are really going to see Obama and not just to see Oprah? I would say, go to one of those rallies and if the audience is filled with forty-something white women who scream at the fact that Oprah loves “Spanks” underwear (don’t ask how I know) then I’m telling you right now they don’t even know how to pronounce Obama’s first name and are just hoping for a new car from Queen Oprah! (Starting as an actress, moving into a powerful position and then granting wishes…hmm, sound like anyone else we know, say Evita Peron?)

The scandal before this latest AIDS one for Huckabee was about his role while he was Governor of Arkansas in helping parole a convicted rapist who later went on to rape and kill another woman. Though he claims he didn’t endorse it (though he did write a letter supporting the guy be released and in my book that’s as involved as you can get, especially when you’re the governor) it would seem that the press is spinning this guy’s tales like a top to do him in. And I say the sooner the better!

I’m more concerned about the fact that the guy stands by his remarks that homosexuality is “an aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle.” Really sir? I dare you to even try to peddle that to me who has been in a monogamous relationship for over nineteen years with the same man when most of your counterparts are divorcing at a rate faster than the rising deficit from a war we shouldn’t be fighting, screwing children or looking for sex with other men in public restrooms because they are less afraid of God condemning them than they’re afraid of you and your kind “outing” them or condemning them. Fear, it’s all about fear. Your brood of bullies is all about making people afraid of the “enemy.” And the “enemy” is anyone other than an image created by the likes of you held up as the standard as what “normal” people should be, if you will. How “difference” is seen as threatening I’ll never know. Last time I heard Mr. Ex-Baptist Minister Fuckabee, Jesus was supposed to love everyone or am I wrong?  I dare say if Jesus heard what you’re putting out in his name that the What Would Jesus Do bracelet on your wrist would burst into flames like the burning Bush (yes, George W. implied not so subtly there).

Look, I don’t hate the guy but I’m so tired of people hating me without even knowing me that sometimes I just lose it. Hate me because I cut you off in traffic, hate me because I’m smarter than you or hate me because I’m beautiful. But don’t hate me because I’m in love with another man, in love with the fact that life is full of do’s instead of don’ts or that I don’t have Jesus in my Outlook contacts. I’m not asking you to be gay and I don’t need your acceptance but I do need you to understand that when it comes to creating laws that will directly keep me out, pushed aside or second class I’m going to fight back. The last time I looked we were still allowed to do all of those things in this country. And just because it’s “one nation under God”, who said it was your God or the way you’ve decided to spin God’s directions? Last time I looked there was more than one way to make a chocolate chip cookie and if you only use the recipe on the side of the box you may never figure out how to make those cookies even better.

People like Huckabee will always pander to the likes of himself in the hope of getting votes. His “cause” it getting into office. The only problem is that the “effect” of someone like him being elected is frightening due to the power he would hold. I remember when I came out to my parents, I said, “Look I will never do anything to intentionally embarrass you or make you uncomfortable but I’m gay, it’s part of me it’s who I am and I love you too much not to tell you.” Telling my family and friends I was gay didn’t isolate me it made me feel even more included and loved. So when it comes to isolating threats to humanity, I think Mike Huckabee needs to be “isolated” – Don’t Get Me Started!

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It’s Not Too Late To Look Better Than You Do For The Holidays – Don’t Get Me Started!

I know that the holidays are almost here and if you’re like me, you’ve just realized that in a very short time you’re going to be seeing people you only see once a year. That’s right, for those of us who travel to our past on holidays (in other words, if you’re going to your hometown or in my case, somewhere you lived for eleven years) there’s not only family to see but also friends. About now you’ve lost all hope of looking great and have decided that you’ll just go ahead and wear the Santa suit and hope no one recognizes you. Well, let your Jewish gay pal help you out. It’s not too late to look better than you do for the holidays – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’m like most of the world when it comes to me in that I’m a procrastinator however unlike most procrastinators I never miss a deadline either. I’m one of those people who need the deadline to really make magic happen. And so looking good for the holidays is the same thing. I need that deadline and now that I have all the travel booked, I’m putting my war strategy in place and there’s not going to be any stopping me. Now be assured that this method (while not approved by any doctors or fashion professionals – and I hold no liability whatsoever if you try this and either die or end up looking like your aunt that no one talks to because she looks so strange) however, I have used this method before and am in the process of it as we speak and so far, things are really looking up. So continue on and actually take the advice at your own risk!

Add A Workout – if you work out six times a week or no times a week, add one additional work out to your week. This will not only help you to be healthier but will also assist you in firming up areas that need to be firmer. No one wants to be waving on a parade float (or at the front door) and have their Tricep flab hit them in the face! The same can be said for your ass, you don’t want to have someone helping you into a one horse opened sleigh, go up to give you a boost and find your caboose at the back of your knees instead of its God intended location!

The Cabbage Soup Diet – Okay, no there will not be a link to this diet as I don’t want anyone dying on my watch. For those of you who haven’t heard of this, this diet consists of eating cabbage soup along with specific other items each day to help you lose up to ten pounds in seven days. I heard that this diet was originally used for obese people who needed heart surgery but had to lose weight before they could have the surgery however, I’ve found nothing to support this anywhere. What I can tell you is that I’ve done it before and had decent results. (I’m in day five right now and have lost five pounds, not ten but I have two more days) Do I think this will keep the weight off forever, absolutely not but it’s a jump start to you living healthier as this diet is a bit of a cleanse for the system (if you know what I mean) and also let’s not forget the real reason for this diet – losing just enough so that your clothes are a little loose on you instead of zippers barely holding the excess skin back that is yearning to breathe free. If you choose not to go the radical route of a crash diet like this one, then just put down your fork a little sooner in the meal and you should manage to shave a couple of pounds off.

Rembrandt White Strips – No, I’m not getting a kick back from the company (oh that I were) these are just the ones that I like the best. Plus they’re cheaper than most white strips (no surprise your Jewish gay pal likes and finds a bargain), they only take 5-7 days and your teeth really do get whiter. Again, these are my results yours may vary and don’t hold me responsible if you suddenly look like Moms Mabley (Don’t know who she is, Google her!).

The Hair – This is not the time to go for that new style you’ve been seeing in magazines or a drastic hair color change. However, if you’re like most people you will need a haircut, trim or a little something done to your hair before the events begin. I’m scheduled this coming week which gives me a week before I travel to let it grow out just a smidge to be perfect as well as give me time to figure out how to style it so as to not look like someone who cut their hair with a Flowbee!

The Hands – Much like you can tell how old a tree is by cutting it and counting the rings in the trunk, for humans it’s all about the hands. Someone can have the youngest looking face but if you look at their hands the true story will be told. Now this is the gayest thing I do but remember that I’ll be seeing people I only see once a year so it calls for drastic measures. It’s true; I do the whole coat your hands in a strong moisturizer and then put cotton gloves on to sleep. I don’t know if this really does anything or not but all the 1930’s movie stars did it and if it’s good enough for Joan Crawford, it’s good enough for me.

Tanning – I get it, this is bad for me but alas, this is the one time a year where vanity needs to take priority. Now you can do the harmless spray tan but that really makes me come out looking like the color tan from a bad poplin suit so I choose to go for the real deal when it comes to tanning. I know, I know, cancer is coursing through my family’s veins more than their blood but you see, living in Vegas people expect you to be tan. They don’t get that it’s not like living at the Equator and I’m not working in the fields all day so I have to continually hear everyone say, “You live in Vegas. Where’s your tan?” So to get rid of this question, look a little healthier and most importantly not look so white (remember that my mate is a six foot black man and I’m usually the only white face in the family photos) so I need to look as close to Lena Horne as possible on family occasions.

Rest assured that there’s more I’m doing in order to ensure I look my absolute best this holiday season and while yes, I should want to look my best all year round I acknowledge the fact that I don’t have the energy or the deadline in order to make that happen. My point is that you can do all of the little things above (and you’ll discover as I did the first time I put this in action) that even if no one notices, I notice it and feel better about myself. And isn’t that the most important thing, you feeling better about you? (Okay, I know that’s what I was supposed to say but you and I both know that the real reason is to make everyone jealous of how good you look and they don’t because they don’t have a gay maven like me to help them out, right? Of course, right!) So although Jack Frost is already nipping at your nose and those holiday cupcakes are going to your thighs, it’s not too late to look better than you do for the holidays – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Yes, You Are In Vegas But It’s Still Winter So Put On Some Damn Long Pants! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I don’t know how it has come about that I have become the barometer for good taste or just common sense but I’m taking on this newest issue with the same vim and vigor I take on anything else that annoys the crap out of me. I can’t take it anymore and while I’d like to tell you that it’s only the tourists (or visitors, which is what I think they want to be called now – does everything have to be so damn politically correct?) but it is the natives as well (and it doesn’t happen just here in Vegas). Yes, you are in Vegas but it’s still winter so put on some damn long pants! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I get that you are cool or that you’re hip but guess what, the cheese stands alone on this one – none of us looking at you think you’re cool or hip we just think you’re a freak with no common sense. It’s December and although it gets up to a whopping 58 degrees here there is still no reason for you to be wearing shorts or the dreaded flip flops. I like to be fashionable too but to be honest I don’t know how your vanity is overruling the threat of hypothermia. Maybe it’s an age thing but I doubt it.

Today I saw this guy with shorts on, the flip flops, a t-shirt and argyle sweater vest on. First, even as much as I loves me some argyle (the argyle looked three dimensional on this guy the way that it was popping out from his large gut) it’s not so fashionable with the rest of the ensemble and second is the idea that the sweater vest keeps him cozy warm? This guy definitely is clothing challenged in my opinion. Based on his bad fashion sense I see no future for this guy sexually with a woman, man or even anything that requires batteries for that matter.

The other people that crack me up are the guys who wear the shorts but then have a hooded sweatshirt on and a wool beanie. Sometimes they are even wearing gloves. I don’t know if there is a medical reason behind all of this, like they’re trying to get someone pregnant and the doctor has instructed them to keep their balls cold or something but if you are cold enough to wear a hooded sweatshirt, wouldn’t you think you would also want to wear some damn long pants?

Honestly, there are times when I think I’m just going completely crazy. I worked with a choreographer years ago who when none of us were getting the steps or grasping her concept she would look to the heavens and say, “Is it I Lord? Is it I?” And that’s exactly how I feel about this issue. I feel as though I’m the only one who thinks it’s stupid. (Of course as we all know that has never stopped me before, right?)

Here’s the deal. It’s winter wherever you are right now and it’s winter here in Vegas too. This is not some tropical island where it’s sunny and warm all year round. (Yes, I know this is a huge shock for many of you, especially those who are in the Midwest or believe the advertising campaigns that would make it seem as if every day it’s at least 80 degrees here). And what’s more we’re here in the desert so that means that it not only gets very cold but also very windy. “Where the wind comes sweeping down the Strip” (bastardization of “Oklahoma!”) So that’s for all the people who are planning on visiting or live here. But I’m smart enough to know that this phenomenon is more wide spread (than Britney’s legs) and is not an issue only here in Vegas.

I know there are places that get real winter weather complete with Jack Frost nipping at your nose while Joe College walks around in shorts with Jack Frost also nipping at his ass (but he probably has enough beer in him to not care) and just may like the whole biting of the ass thing. For the rest of you, get some damn long pants on and let’s get with the program here, okay? Thank you all for your compliance!

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More On Holiday Sweaters And Why You Shouldn’t Wear Them – Don’t Get Me Started!

Last week I wrote a blog about a woman I saw wearing one of those God-awful hideous holiday sweaters (read that blog here…Ladies do the world a favor and just don't wear that holiday sweater, okay? ) Well, the response from that blog has been overwhelming (to say the least) and I’ve loved every minute of it. I adore that most people out there hate these sweaters as much as I do and through our hatred grew a sense of community and love. (Okay, not really but I’m trying to elevate our bitchiness so just go with me for a moment) And so it came to pass that I needed to write more on holiday sweaters and why you shouldn’t wear them – Don’t Get Me Started!

So the thing is that almost everyone agrees that these things are hideous however there were also people who wrote in who adore their holiday sweaters. One hubber from hubpages.com wrote in to tell me about her sweater that makes her feel like a mirror ball and how she wouldn’t give it up for all the sense in the land of common. (She was also on her way to Vegas and had just packed said sweater before commenting on the blog) God love her, forgive her for she knows not what she does.

Then there was a pal from high school who I recently reunited with from one of the many sites that cater to people who are trying to either correct the wrongs of their past, find a date or re-live their high school days by reconnecting with high school chums (she falls into none of these categories). She is now a mother of seven hundred or something and lives in Iowa, works out every minute, lost six sizes or something insane last year and has time to send me long emails which she knows fill me with enormous guilt when I don’t respond fast enough or feel as though I’ve put enough content into an email to her. At any rate, she was so taken by the sweater blog that she offered herself up for mocking by sending me these photos of herself in her “once a year” (yeah, right) sweater. Dear God, this thing looks awful. I love the cowl collar to really make you feel as if you could immediately join the holiday circus meanwhile the big Christmas ball at the crotch to accent your business district is priceless. She also told me a fabulous story…

Once upon a time my old high school pal was at the Goodwill looking for costume pieces and she came across a woman who had a shopping cart filled to the brim with every ugly holiday sweater she could get her hands on. (Let me take this time to say that I think it’s rather cruel to send these things to Goodwill as these things need to be destroyed and not passed on or around.) I guess the sales woman (while delighted to get this crap off her hands) asked the woman why she was buying all of these sweaters (and of course my pal was in earshot and drank in every word). The woman proceeded to tell the clerk that she was purchasing them for an annual “Ugly Sweater Party” that she hosted. How fabulous is that, huh? Though let me just say that if I was invited to one I wouldn’t go and if I did go I wouldn’t want someone giving me a sweater to wear upon arrival. Maybe it’s like going to a fancy restaurant back in the day where if a man wasn’t wearing a sports coat when he entered they gave him one to wear during his dining experience.
 

The point is that no matter how much most everyone knows they’re ugly, the ladies they still love to wear them. I don’t get it but I love that it’s always these white Christian women who are wearing them. Now let me say that the Jewesses love a glitzy sweater from time to time too but you can best believe they don’t wear them with dradels and gelt all over them. No, the holiday sweater is for the goyim, God love them. I remember when I lived in Delaware where everything is “Delaware blue” (this awful mock-country kitchen light blue color) the women there think that a red scarf is too daring to wear in public, even if they did buy it at Talbots. During the holidays these women would put those sweaters on and as my guy says, “You couldn’t tell them nothing!”

So go ahead, no one can stop you and look, even friends like mine in their forties can’t be stopped. Though I beg of you, be careful with these holiday creations because not only do they look incredibly flammable when you sit down it looks as if Frosty the Snowman is trying to blow himself! more on holiday sweaters and why you shouldn’t wear them – Don’t Get Me Started!

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What’s A Nice Jewish Gay Boy Like Me Doing On A Hanukkah Like This? – Don’t Get Me Started!

To those Jews out there I wish you a magical eight days of wonderment ahead. The whole Hanukkah thing took me unawares this year. I am usually right on top of these things but with all the rest of the mishigas going on in my life somehow I found myself racing the sun as it sank tonight trying desperately to get home to light my menorah before sundown. I didn’t make it. Once home I discovered that I didn’t have a single Hanukkah candle in the house. What’s a nice Jewish gay boy like me doing on a Hanukkah like this? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Much like my earlier blog entitled, “Stop The Holidays I Want To Get Off” I desperately want time to stand still for me so that I can have another month before these holidays begin but I have about as much chance of that happening as getting my foreskin back. It was the first night of Hanukkah and I found myself without candles (except for tapers and can you even imagine how long it would take for those to burn down?) and alone. My guy is out of town doing a show and after rushing home to no candles and only two hungry cats, the thought of shlepping to my parents for “festivities” seemed impossible. I decided that I needed to go get candles to try to have some semblance of the holiday and so I went (I know, I have no idea why) to Wal-Mart as I needed a few other things as well and figured I’d take care of it all in one trip. As I filled my cart with much more than I expected to get I wandered around looking for a salesperson who might know where the typical one end cap of an aisle with the Hanukkah merchandise was located. I didn’t find anyone but soon found myself in Christmas world where things were green, red and flocked all over. As I was standing there I said to myself, “Shmuck, Wal-Mart cares less about Jews than they do gays, what the hell are you doing here?” And so I spent my sixty dollars and went off on my quest.

As I drove in the rush hour traffic I saw Linens and Things and decided that they just might have candles. The minute I walked in the door there it was, the one sided small display of all things Hanukkah. Someone obviously knew last minute Jews would be looking and in a hurry. (The thing about these Hanukkah displays in stores is that it’s either an actual Hanukkah something or other or blue and white. You see stores don’t have enough Hanukkah stuff so what they do is put anything that is blue and white on display to make it look as if they have more stuff. A dear friend of mine told me of seeing cookies with Christmas trees on them but because they were in blue and white, they made it to the Hanukkah display.) The good news for Jews is that while they often put out the same stuff from last year that has been sitting in the stock room for a year (I’m still convinced they haven’t made gelt since 1964 and that we Jews are buying it year after year to try and finally get it all sold – have you ever eaten the stuff? If you have, you’ll know my idea that it’s forty years old seems plausible) at this store they had the good taste to have the stuff from last year marked down. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work and bought the sale candles then felt like a jerk. And laying a finger aside of my nose…wait a minute…that’s the freaking Night Before Christmas, not my Hanukkah story!

I got home and I lit the candles (saying the prayer in Hebrew I’ve said for as long as I can remember) wearing a yarmulke my dear friend had made me when I was the “friend of honor” at her wedding. And as I watched the candles burn I ate my dinner and realized that it isn’t the holidays that have changed, it’s me. We were never the most religious Jews in the world but we observed the major holidays and while I now spend Christmas with my guy’s family, it has never felt like my holiday (perhaps because it just isn’t). But sitting home alone watching candles burn isn’t exactly a holiday either. The thing is that no matter what, it’s like being a “Jet” in West Side Story, “When you’re a Jew, you’re a Jew all the way from your bris on day eight to your last dying day.”  Something so simple as lighting those candles meant and still means something to me. I was glad I had gone out and gotten them. Watching the light of the candles, there was a calm that came over me. Thoughts of my brother and I opening our first night “shared” gift (which was always a game we could share, you know, Clue, Monopoly or the like) and one of our very own gifts (my brother would get some intricate model and I’d get a Mr. Microphone that never seemed to work with the radio the way they showed on the commercial) and the memories of those times filled my empty home. As the Hanukkah holiday continues this year, the miracle I’m hoping for is a little like the miraculous oil so long ago that lasted eight nights when there was only enough for one night. I’m hoping that this feeling of calm and happiness will last for eight nights instead of just one, illuminating my heart with warmth the way the candles illuminate the room. And that’s what a nice Jewish gay boy like me is doing on a Hanukkah like this – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Am I The Only One Who Isn’t Surprised Or Cares About Senator Larry Craig Sexing It Up With More Men? – Don’t Get Me Started!

As I’ve stated numerous times in my blog entries, I am not one of those gays who go around thinking that every man in the world is gay or wants to be gay. I know this is not the case. So the new allegations that Senator Larry Craig has been having sex with additional men (besides the undercover cop he tried to have sex with in the Minneapolis airport bathroom) is not shocking to me and in fact, is just a little more than boring at this point. But as it’s on the main page of everything from AOL to CNN online I have to wonder just why everyone else is still so interested in this guy or anyone’s sexual practices for that matter. Am I the only one who isn’t surprised or cares about Senator Larry Craig sexing it up with more men? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Yes, I’m a gay man and sure there is a part of me that is bothered by the “holier than thou” types who vote to block or take away the rights of anyone (especially us gays). But here’s the deal, we as Americans need to stop worrying about who is sleeping with whom and get to the stuff that is really important. You know, education, health care and perhaps who we’re pissing off in the world now to the point that they’re coming after us. I know some are going to say, that his lying is the real issue but you give me one example of a politician or even private citizen not lying at some point in their lives and I say you’re a liar too! Whether it’s telling a spouse they look thinner or telling congress that gays are subhuman and then trolling bathrooms for man on man sex it’s really all just about degrees of lying, isn’t it? And just who will decide which is worse or what degree of despicableness goes with each lie we tell? And is it worse to lie to others than to yourself? Because I’ve got a feeling that Mr. Craig could be doing more lying to himself than to anyone else at the moment.

I don’t know when we gays went into attack mode but do we not remember our own coming out or that of our friends? Sure, for some of us it was easy. I mean, come on, I was singing to Barbra Streisand records in my mother’s wig at six, doing theatre and taking dance so it came to no surprise to anyone in my family but there are others who have a very rough time of it. I have friends who have had horrible coming out experiences or even bad experiences coming to accepting their homosexuality themselves. So why is Craig different?  Why do we want to attack him like the Christian right attacks us? What makes us better or more right in our attacks?

The thing we all need to start doing is living up to the standard we’ve been spewing for everyone else and not worry so much if they’re not living up to the standard we’ve created for ourselves. If we’re going to say that we gays need to be accepted then we gays have to accept the bodybuilder gays as well as the swishy girly gays. We have to respect the rights of others to have freedom of speech even when it’s against us. And we have to stop acting as if we’re better gays than Craig because we’ve been mated for years to the same man or give money to the Human Rights Campaign. That doesn’t make us better gays it simply makes us gays that are doing what we can to promote what we think is the way to live with honesty and integrity for us.

Do I think that the men who are now stepping forward probably did have sex with Craig, personally yes I do. But I also think there’s a gay rat in there. That’s right, the masseuse prostitute drug dealer Mike Jones who went down on and took down Ted Haggard claims that after seeing Craig’s photo in the paper he realized that he had sex with him in 2004. Oh, what a coincidence that Jones’ tell all book was coming out at the same time he was coming out with the fact that he also slept with Craig. Coincidence? It sure could be but my mother didn’t raise stupid children and I wouldn’t be surprised to find that Jones was just trying to sell books. Once again I have to ask the question, “Is Jones a better gay because he exposed Haggard and now stepped forward to out Craig?” Or is he a bad gay because he did both those things? I guess it depends on who you’re kneeling in front of, doesn’t it? (Yes, both the religious and blow job images set forth from that last sentence were intended)

Am I saying we should all be running around sexing it up, lying and stealing? No. But I just think that sometimes we have to examine our righteous anger and decide what we’re so angry about and if we’re right to be so angry. I’m not mad at Larry Craig, I just think he’s a gay man trapped in a Republican’s body. Hey, if a woman or man can be trapped in the opposite body I figure this can happen too, right? And for those of you who may read this and think that I have pity for Craig I assure you that I do not. I have sympathy if he can’t admit to himself or the world that he is gay but I don’t pity or empathize with him. I chose to be who I was regardless of the slings and arrows that were hurled against me because that was what I chose. I don’t expect or really want everyone making the same choices I made nor should anyone look down on me for those choices. I also don’t want anyone judging me because I choose to be in a gay monogamous relationship instead of being the stereotypical gay slut. I don’t think you should care who I’m sleeping with and I sure as hell don’t care who you’re sleeping with because that’s your business. And yet I have to wonder how long Craig can continue to tell himself or anyone else that he hasn’t slept with men. Am I the only one who isn’t surprised or cares about Senator Larry Craig sexing it up with more men? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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I’m The First Gay To Be Auf’d From Project Runway Without Designing Anything – Don’t Get Me Started!

I was delighted last year when I was voted by America as the Ultimate Fan Blogger for Project Runway Season 3 so when I emailed my editor asking if they could use my services again this year and he said they could, naturally I was delighted. Delighted because I’ve watched every season of the show and while I have doubts I’m the “ultimate fan” (based on comments written in to me last year when my blogs appeared on bravotv.com) there was a certain status in being even a minor part of a major show like Runway. And so for two weeks I faithfully sent in my blogs and my editor assured me that they were just having technical difficulties getting my blog on their site. Well, last Wednesday morning I received an email from my editor stating that people higher up in Bravoland decided that they needed, “an industry insider” to write the blog this year and not someone from the outside, basically meaning me. I’m the first gay to be auf’d from Project Runway without designing anything – Don’t Get Me Started!

I know, I know, for those of us who watch the show the only thing running through my mind too was Heidi saying, “In fashion, one day you’re in and the next day you’re out.” And so it was my day to be out. I wasn’t angry with my editor (as I have been on the outside of the inside of the show business industry for most of my life and completely understand how this stuff happens the way that it does) however I have to say that I was disappointed. How could I not be, right? After all, I had announced it on my website and sent out the massive email all ready.

I think the thing that what got me was (me being the overachiever I’ve always been) is that I have never been fired from anything. I have always worked so hard to do my best and it for the most part has paid off. So I think at the heart of all of my feelings about being auf’d it’s more about my ego (which isn’t almost everything we do attached to our ego in some way or another?) and not really about Project Runway at all. And while I’d like to say that I went into a deeply contemplative state, meditated and burned incense to see my way to the window that surely must have opened due to this door closing, I can’t lie. I walked around for a few days licking my wounds and cursing the entire show and anyone every associated with it. (Thus the picture of me strangling the Tim Gunn bobble head they sent me last year as one of my prizes which Tim Gunn signed, “Scott, Carry On! Tim”)

But like any set back in life, you really do have to choose how you’re going to move forward and stop looking backward (mostly because it usually makes you trip because you’re not looking where you’re going and then you really look like an ass). I feel worse for my friends who have always introduced me as “the blogger from Project Runway” and who will now have to introduce me just as “Scott” but they’ll get over it like I have too. And for those of you who are reading this thinking that there are more important things to be upset about such as world hunger, the spread of AIDS or America being the richest country in the world that now has thousands of homes in foreclosure and less people with any sort of health care I agree with you in my head but in my heart I can’t help it that I’m bummed about this situation because this is what affects me.

Fear not, as Tim Gunn suggests, I will “Carry On” and I will continue to write the blogs for the show this season and post them on the site. It’s actually nice not to have my writing edited as it was for last season. So for those of you who watch and love Runway like me but don’t want an “industry insider’s” opinion, visit the Runway Season 4 page of Some Like It Scott to read the latest blog on the show. http://www.somelikeitscott.com/somelikerunway4.html And like most things in my life, this will make great material for me for weeks (and possibly years to come) as I do have a distinction no one else has as I’m the first gay to be auf’d from Project Runway without designing anything – Don’t Get Me Started!

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