CNN Poll Says Gays Can’t Change Orientation. Whew, I Feel Better – Don’t Get Me Started!

In a CNN poll that was released yesterday, for the first time in CNN poll world the majority polled believe that gays can’t change their fuchsia stripes. That’s right, people are finally catching on that we gays are…um, I don’t know…well…GAY! (Shhh, don’t tell Anne Heche – they can have her, we don’t want her anyway) I have to say that most of us should be delighted to find out that people (straight ones) are finally coming around to what those of us who are gay have known all along. However, if you look at the poll a little closer you’ll discover that it’s not time to break out the Cristal just yet. CNN poll says gays can’t change orientation. Whew, I feel better – Don’t Get Me Started!

I get it, we’re supposed to be all fired up and excited any time that a poll or study comes out that says that there are more people out in the world who are accepting of us and I’m not negating the fact that it is nice to know that people’s tolerance (and I mean their ability to “put up with”) us gays is getting better. But it’s still a little like cancer, have pity for anyone else’s family who has it but hope you don’t get it in yours. (Which at this point is nearly impossible on both fronts – gays and cancer)

The thing is that the poll was taken on a Friday through Sunday by telephone. Now we know that most of the people they interviewed had to be straight because the boys are out on Friday and Saturday night and on Sunday all the old queens go antiquing. (Stop cringing, they’re only stereotypes, kids)

Let’s go to the tote board (without Ed McMahon or a “timpani”) 56% said they do not feel that gays can change their orientation (up from 45% in 2001 and 36% in 1998). 79% said we should  be allowed to go into the military and the marriage battle wages on with 43% not supporting gay’s rights to marriage, 24% support the gays getting married (as long as they plan it, of course) and 27% support civil unions.  

Yes, we have a lot to be thankful for and we are definitely making strides. I think all of this is encouraging and something to take great Pride in. I also think that some of it is just really funny. While it’s great that the public is getting educated that you can’t be gay, go into rehab and come out free of the gay, meth, massage therapist/hooker and go back to the pulpit…well, not immediately anyway (Read that blog here…Gays Can Be Happy Again Now That Haggard Is Not! ) they still really aren’t all that excited about having us at their country clubs or swimming in their pools (social or public). Frankly, I think that we’ve benefited because some have just thrown their hands up in exasperation going, “What are you going to do with these gays? Ach, let them be gay all ready, I’m too tired to fight it any more and they do my hair so nice.”  We’ve either worn them down or they became hooked on Will and Grace now that it’s on Lifetime (television for women and gays) and have decided we’re fun to laugh with as well as at. As my grandmother used to say in the 70’s, “You know those gays, they’re everywhere.” And we are.

Let’s face it, not too many people are all that excited or supportive about the war so I think it’s a little hard to determine if people don’t care about gays in the military or just feel as though whoever signs up at this point as long as it’s not them, God bless.

I think the marriage question is going to be a deal breaker for a long time to come but mostly because of the word, “marriage” as traditionalists cling to tradition better than a…a…Fiddler On The Roof (“sounds crazy, no?”). I hate the whole “civil unions” title as it sounds like a business partnership that while very civil doesn’t have a lot of sex involved in it (ooh, sounds like a lot of my straight married friends).

The point is that most people are finding out that the gays aren’t quite as scary as they originally thought and that’s a really good thing. It’s good that they’re doing these polls, it’s good that we’re coming out on top for a change and it will be interesting to see where things go from here. CNN poll says gays can’t change orientation. Whew, I feel better – Don’t Get Me Started!

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I Believe My Fortune Cookie, Dammit! – Don’t Get Me Started!

Here I am in LA, the land of dreams and sometimes you have to allow yourself to be open to divine intervention. True, for some this happens by humming with a bunch of people they don’t know in Sedona, Arizona but for me it happened in a much simpler, humbler way in a Chinese restaurant in Burbank. I was out at dinner with a pal and at the end of the meal the waiter brought the clarity I’d been looking for over the years but had always proved elusive to me. Yes, in that oddly folded cookie was the fortune I’ve waited for all my life and although some would say that it is just superstitious to believe in the power of a fortune cookie, I say, “Oh ye, of little faith!” I believe my fortune cookie, dammit! -  Don’t Get Me Started!

Sure, I could find inspiration on a bumper sticker (“Hate Is NOT A Family Value”) or the mini van I saw recently that had so many “fish” symbols on the back of it that I think even Jesus would be impressed. But no, those are inspiration for the uneducated, the uninformed the pedestrian dreamers, if you will. If you’ve read any of my blogs you know I’m a dreamer, a lover of life (stop rolling your eyes) and this fortune just confirmed everything I always knew about myself but was afraid to say out loud.

As I opened the fortune cookie, I admit that I almost choked on the less than flavorful orangey colored crunchy dough and I think I inhaled some of the cookie dust like some cheap and less than exotic cocaine – there was no rush just a sneeze and a lump in my throat (brought on by the cookie, not emotion). And does anyone really LIKE these cookies or is it all about the fortune? But enough of this, back to what you’ve been waiting for…in between two smiley faces was the truth that few have seen or understood about me that somehow someone in a fortune cookie factory saw and understood. The phrase on that tiny slip of paper you ask? It was, “You are never bitter, deceptive or petty.”

Do you need a minute? I know…I needed one too. Yes, though some have accused me of being “bitchy” or a “queen” from reading my blogs they don’t get me at all. Not like the fortune cookie people. Immediately I was thinking, this is my next t-shirt and then I thought of a person that was somewhat in my life who had made negative remarks about me. She had talked to someone about being afraid of me because of things that I had said. Things that I don’t even remember saying and so I said to my dinner companion, “I’m getting this blown up and framed for Marie.” After all, the fortune knew what I never did, that I wasn’t bitter, deceptive or petty…to me that was a “get out of jail free” card. I could pretty much do anything and yet never be considered being any of those nasty things above. If anyone said anything different I could always just pull out my fortune and go, “Ah…excuse me, did you say I was being petty??? I think not and I have it in writing. See?”

So here’s what I suggest. I suggest you all go out for Chinese food immediately and whatever you do (you’re going to be hungry all over again a few hours later so make sure that you take some home with you) but eat that meal and get to the cookie and whatever the fortune is that you get, have it blown up and live by it. True, my pal’s fortune was something about being a nice and sunny person (which he is and who cares?) but mine was the real gem and all I hope is that there is one out there for you too. I believe my fortune cookie, dammit! -  Don’t Get Me Started!

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Ask A Gay (Stereotype that is) Needs To Go Away! – Don’t Get Me Started!

For those of you who don’t know, William Sled is a twenty-three year old manager of The Gap in Kentucky who with his best friend Stephanie, have created videos on YouTube, called “Ask A Gay.” Well, recently outzonetv.com has “picked them up” to do videos for their website. Outzonetv is owned by Bravo so I’m traipsing on dangerous ground considering Bravo gave me the opportunity to be the Ultimate Fan Blogger for season 3 of Project Runway (and would like to be for season 4) and they have listed my site on the outzonetv.com blogroll. But I’m sorry; this recent move has just made me crazy. Ask A Gay (Stereotype that is) needs to go away! – Don’t Get Me Started!

You see, as with most of these video blogs out now, the people look into their Apple iBook and let the camera roll. Most of these people (Yes, I’m talking to Rosie now too) seem to spend most of their time looking at themselves talking into the camera. I don’t have an iBook so I wouldn’t know but from looking at some video blogs, it appears as if they can see themselves. It’s a little like watching a five year old on Leno who is more enamored by the monitor that they can see themselves in on the stage than in the show that is happening, that they are supposed to be a part of at the same moment. Tell me again about the guy who drowned looking at his own reflection?

The reason this latest move by outzonetv.com makes me crazy is that the whole idea of “Ask A Gay” needs to be handled by someone who actually knows something. The videos should really be named, “Ask a Gay Stereotype” as in the video I watched William goes on and on about his devotion for the color pink (okay, didn’t get past the first minute) and he and Stephanie were going to bake wedding cakes. There they sat in their veils while William continually played with his hair and looked at his image sucking in his cheeks and pouting doing bad Zoolander looks, while asking if anyone would really want a pink wedding cake. Thank you outzonetv.com for once again confirming to the world that gays only come in one variety – pink loving, wedding cake making, veiled, primping, prisses who have about as much depth as the shallow end of a kid’s blow up pool.

As I told my twenty-something cousin when he was telling me about how he was helping another cousin of ours come out (Read the blog here…Relatively Speaking My Family Is Full Up With The Gays) “I’m the Gaytriarch in this family and all gayness must go through me!” The point is that I hate to say it but if you’re going to be a gay the first thing you should learn is to be yourself, not a stereotype that will garner you attention but in most cases, the wrong kind of attention. No one can make me believe that the image that this kid William is putting out there is his real self and not some made up persona that he thinks is what being gay is all about. He’s wrong, dead wrong.

So who is at fault here? While I would love to blame the religious right or the government, I’m afraid that the real enemy is us gays. “The fault, Dear Bravo, is not in our stars, but in ourselves that we are underlings.” (From Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, kind of) Bravo and its sister site are full up with the gay executives so you would think that they would have the common decency to want to portray the gays with some sense in their head. Such is not the case. Kudos Bravo for Queer Eye – the show that showed us gays know how to cook, do hair, throw throw pillows and dress people (we’re still not sure what Jai did – other than bring in an ethnic into the mix). Or the one to three gays they put on each of their competition shows. (Notice that most are like the twitching and clutching pearls Dave from Top Chef.) Wow, there’s something to feel Prideful about, isn’t it? Sure there are the Tim Gunn’s of Bravo but they are too few and far between.

To those who would label me a “Bitchy Queen” and reserve me a table under the name, “Bitter” table for one, let me say that you are wrong. I’m glad the kid is getting his fifteen minutes, honestly I am but at what cost to the rest of us? Lighthearted entertainment is great (have you read most of my blog entries) but at some point, can’t there be some substance represented amongst the fluff? And in some part, if all that is seen is the stereotypical image of gays doesn’t it keep us relegated as the court jester of straight society? I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m tired of being the monkey with the tin cup dancing every time the straight organ grinder turns on “I Will Survive” – perhaps at some point soon we need to make it our “Last Dance” and I say, let’s start with “Ask A Gay.” Ask A Gay (Stereotype that is) needs to go away! – Don’t Get Me Started!

 
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Why Is It Always A Minority Group That I’m In That Is In Trouble?! – Don’t Get Me Started!

So I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about the Jew that tried to bomb the gay Pride parade in Jerusalem. I can’t help it, every time I see a headline that has “Gay” or “Jew” or “Teacher Has Affair With Student” I start to cringe. (And no, I’ve never been a teacher who had an affair with a student) Why is it always a minority group that I’m in that is in trouble?! – Don’t Get Me Started!

So apparently the story goes that a 32-year old Orthodox Jew was caught with a bomb that he had made to throw at the marching gays. God love Israel’s police (cause you know that they don’t fuck around). They apprehended him and no one missed a step of the march. The Orthodox Jews are mighty upset about the gays marching on what they consider a holy place, Jerusalem. I get it and understand they’re all fired up but come on people, stop with the holy ground and start living holy lives before you get all holier than thou.

The point is that if you’re like me, the minute you read the headline, you’re sick to your stomach. “Jewish bomber seized before Jerusalem gay parade” – it just kills me. I know that it’s accurate but I start to cringe and I can’t help myself because I’m like, “Oh here we go, another thing for the religious right to go off on us Jews and gays about.” This is the story they’ll jump on. First we’re going to hell because we’re Jews and rounding second we’re making bombs, coming up to third base it’s in Jerusalem and sliding home for the kill, the gays caused it by marching. Home Run! And that my friends, is what we call a born again Christian Grand Slam. (And I don’t even like parades, dammit!)

It’s like when you see the headlines about the teachers who have had sex with a student. I can’t help it, I read the headline and then I say a little prayer. “Oh dear God, please, please, I am begging you. Make it some white blonde chick with a football player. Don’t make it the boys’ swim coach with the team or the girls’ soccer coach with her goalie. Please, please, I beg of you.” I know it’s wrong but I can’t help myself. I know for some of you you’re going to leave my site and go scouting around for porn with the above scenarios immediately (and what you do on your own time is your business) but when it comes to public scandal, I always hope it’s a male teacher who has had sex with a girl student instead of with a boy. Why? You know why, because if it’s a male teacher and a male student then we have to listen to the Rush Limbaughs of the world go off about the gays trying to “recruit” and “bring young boys into the gay fold” (Let’s face it, when it comes to folds, most young gay boys are more interested in folding jeans at the Gap than joining Mr. Murphy from Science class in an anatomy lesson over the bunson burner!).

No matter what, I can’t seem to escape being in the minority that has done something so egregious that it makes my Jewish guilt sensors go off the charts. Suddenly I want to go around saying to complete strangers, “Look at me, I’m Jewish and gay but I’m in a long term relationship, I rescued two stray cats, I vote and I call my mother at least once a day. I’m a good person. See??? Pay no attention to the Jew bomber or the PE teacher giving physical exams with her tongue on girl students behind the curtain. I can give you a list of at least ten other gays who are good people too, honest I can.”

Perhaps some would say that I’m too sensitive and that there’s plenty of scandal to go around. I guess that’s why we cheer when there’s a straight involved in some sort of scandal. We have to bring them down like they do to us but the thing about doing that is that no one wins. Not the victims, and certainly not the group of people who are associated with the offender, whether they be men, women, black, white, Jews, gays or one of the Jackson family. And so I’ll continue to open my Google news or CNN.com with one eye open, saying my little prayer that today will not be the day I see a headline that involves any group I’m associated with, all the while knowing my prayers won’t be answered. Why is it always a minority group that I’m in that is in trouble?! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Forty-Something Gay Pride (Part Two) – Don’t Get Me Started!

To say that I was shocked by the number of forty-something gays who wrote in after yesterday’s blog would be an understatement. As I tell a lot of people, when you’re writing a blog it’s a pretty solitary thing so you never really know if people are reading or not unless they write in. So to those who wrote in, thank you for reading and writing to me. The common thread in the emails I received was that everyone seemed to be giving a collective sigh of relief that someone validated their right to stay home from Pride parades and not feel badly about it. After doing some more looking around the web to see what other people had to say about Pride week I felt validated about my feelings on the subject. Forty-something gay Pride (Part Two) – Don’t Get Me Started!

I guess one of the bigger surprises from reading everyone’s thoughts about Pride online are the people who feel as though we need to have a Pride month similar to Black History Month. Now this is really surprising to me when all over people are talking about how they can’t get people to a parade for one day. Now you want to be Julie McCoy on the Love Boat and try to find a month full of activities? Are you crazy? What would those be like? Gay shuffle board (where you push cock rings down the Lido deck)? A Tennessee Williams play festival (where the entire audience is dressed like Blanche DuBois trying to depend on the kindness of strangers)? Sorry to say that I just can’t imagine it. From being with a black man for almost nineteen years, I can tell you that Black History Month is basically an insult to that community. Until we get to the point where we can celebrate diversity 365 days a year, giving a specific group a month is like creating a Hallmark holiday – you buy the cards but you’re not really sure why.

No, I don’t think a month is the answer and let’s face it, how many times can you cheer, “Two bits, four bits, suck dicks, a dollar!” at a parade? (Okay, I admit it, I never shouted that in my life nor have I heard anyone say it, it just came to me and I just thought it was funny) Here’s my new thought, perhaps we need to do something that will appeal to the gays of a certain age while teaching the gays of tomorrow how “the movement” started? Before we forget the rest of the chant, “We’re here, we’re queer…um….what was that now….ah…..get used to it?” I’m suggesting we do historical reenactments, you know like they do of the Civil War battles? We can all stuff ourselves into 501 jeans (Read that blog here… Bringing 501s Back ), put on big Village People cop mustaches and reenact the Stonewall riots. Next stop on the hysterical historical tour would be a dinner party in the Hamptons and then board “Spirit” airlines to fly to Vegas to finish the night at Studio 54, dancing to Donna Summer. Okay, having just read that last paragraph reminds me of the article I read in The Advocate about a Gay Spring Break that some company had created. It supposedly taught classes about gay history, financial planning and I guess the proper application of lube. It was supposed to be a chance for gay youth to not only have fun in the sun but also be accepted and learn. But to do that for your spring break? Come on, think college kids on mom and dad’s dime…you tell me if gay or straight they’re going to Florida beaches to learn or get laid?

Okay, so perhaps the Hysterical History tour is out but taking a tip from a Some Like It Scott pal, Grayson, I know what we can do that won’t depend on getting a city permit, won’t cost us millions of dollars and won’t be in danger of becoming a Hallmark card…what if we all get off our gay asses and vote for candidates that don’t have to be gay but at least appreciate our existence? Grayson wrote to me about his frustrations when trying to get some friends to vote recently in Dallas for a gay mayoral candidate. His pals gave all the clichés, “What will my one vote matter?” or “Rosie was on that day and my Tivo wasn’t working.” I’m not saying that just because someone is gay they are the perfect candidate (look at McCreepey, I mean, Mc Greevey from New Jersey – Read that blog here… Jim McGreevey Is A Little McCreepy For This Gay ) but we’ve got to start getting some representation (and I don’t mean from The William Morris Agency – although if there’s anyone from that agency reading who’s interested in me, just know, I’m interested in you!). Perhaps the best thing we can do to show our Pride is to get some people in office who all ready get that we gays contribute a lot to society (all while being turned down to give blood, being told we can’t be Boy Scout Leaders or serve openly in the military). I hate to say it, but it seems as if the only way to get some gays to vote is to tell them the polling booths are actually glory holes. Well whatever it takes but until we get out and vote in leaders who get it, we’re doomed to stay in the shadows of society.

At the end of the day, I think the real reason that Pride seems to be wavering is that it was turned into a commercial holiday by some enterprising gays who made a lot of money off their fellow gays (selling rainbow suncatchers and t-shirts with double entendre sayings like, “Mac’s Lube Shop”). But like Christmas, no one really remembers what it was supposed to be about anymore. And instead of a Jolly Old Saint Nick character all the Pride parades have are bad drag queens with armpit hair wearing a badly beaded dress. Let’s face it, Pride has become the Lola character from the Manilow classic, “Copacabana” – “Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl. But that was thirty years ago, when they used to have a show. Now it’s a disco, but not for Lola. Still in that dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair…” I think it’s time to put Pride out of its misery or perhaps just create Pride The Next Generation.

We’ve had to reinvent ourselves before and we can do it again. The first thing is to start liking one another again, accepting each other and stop defining ourselves only by the images the media and advertisers show us. Remember when we took to the streets to educate our community about HIV before trying to make the ads look “hot” so that us gays would pay attention to them? Let’s show our Pride by celebrating our history, each other and a direction for our future…of just being the gays next door with our 2.5 kids (or not), white picket fence (or not) and as we’ve always done, being the coolest people on the block to know. Forty-something gay Pride (Part Two) – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Forty-Something Gay Pride – Don’t Get Me Started!

Well, it’s Pride week for the gays and good for us…I guess. I know that I should be ripping my shirt off (though many would beg for me to put it back on) don a rainbow colored afro wig, sling back pumps and march in a parade but alas, unlike Dolly Levy in Hello Dolly – that parade has passed me by and I’m not all that concerned about it to tell you the truth. Forty-something Gay Pride – Don’t Get Me Started!

What do you do when you see all the images of a group that you’re supposed to be associated with and don’t see yourself anywhere? I can imagine this is how the fat girls feel when they look at a Vogue or how black people have felt for years before they were represented in the media. But there’s something more to it.

I’ve known for years that the gay community that preaches acceptance has done little to accept everyone. The perfect picture of a gay man is the portrait of Dorian Gray. Always young, handsome enough to be called pretty yet something just a bit off. (You know, like a portrait in the backroom that is doing all the aging.) No surprise that the story was written by a gay man. We do it to ourselves, every time. Being ever youthful seems to be the gay ideal and as I never really worried all that much about getting older…again another piece of the rainbow jigsaw puzzle just doesn’t fit for me.

This all struck me when I read an article on www.queerty.com yesterday about this twenty-three year old kid who has been broadcasting his own show on YouTube, “Ask A Gay.”  He was picked up by www.outzonetv.com (where Some Like It Scott appears on the blogroll) to do reporting for them on Pride festivities in New York and be a regular correspondent on their site. This is a twenty-three year old kid who is a manager of a Gap store and talks about such important things as who should wear the “skinny jean” and who shouldn’t. (The boy is as flouncy as they come) Kudos to him for getting a regular gig but as the article on Queerty suggested, I wouldn’t ask that particular gay for any advice and who is Bravo (the parent company for outzonetv) doing any favors by continuing the stereotypical image of gays? Didn’t they all ready do enough with Queer Eye? And yet, does that make me less than accepting too? It just might.

My point is that I’m not young enough to be picked up by Bravo or MTV, not old enough to be living in Palm Springs and I don’t qualify to be a David Geffen gay (all the money and power in the known universe). So where pray tell am I, a forty-something gay who has been with the same man for almost nineteen years, living a simple life and secretly wishing for fame, fortune or at the very least recognition in the community that is supposed to represent me supposed to take my act? That’s right, there’s no place like home for me apparently unless I start swishing, taking steroids to pump up or someone in my family dies and leaves me millions.

PlanetOut, the parent company for magazines like The Advocate, Out and almost every other glossy magazine for gays is in financial trouble. It doesn’t surprise me as the magazines all seem identical at this point with the exception of the cover. (Read that blog here… PlanetOut Really Down And Out? ) But could it be that there are more gays like me out there somewhere? Gays who just aren’t buying what our gay media wants to sell us? Triangle pink diamond partner rings, real estate in Key West and believe it or not, not everyone wants to be sailing to Cancun with the five shirtless guys with great abs sipping umbrella drinks in the ad either (sorry, just can’t imagine floating around on some barge while no one on the ship can get past the “S.S.S.S.” part of the name of the ship. Perhaps it’s because I was Cleopatra in a former life – been there done that?).

I used to tell myself that I could still be one of the crowd I saw at parades and in magazines but the more I look around it’s not about becoming a certain age that pushes me out of the “running of the gays”, it’s that I was never part of that crowd in the first place. I don’t have a leather harness in the back of my closet, I don’t have a healed scar from the nipple ring from my impetuous youth, and I don’t have pictures of me on a float in drag.

Dare I say it, with all my passion for life, the humor I find in it and my man, I’m just one of the dreaded <look right, look left, whisper> normal gays. And there seems to be increasingly less and less representation of us in the world. If we don’t look like the gay that dumped Lance Bass or we don’t have the money of the gay mafia, we’re in no gay man’s land. We’re not “gay enough” for TV and not rich enough to buy the $25,000 tables at an AIDS benefit, so we are non-existent.

Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of Pride but the question would be why gay websites, the media and other gay men don’t appear to have any pride that I’m one of them? I’m not the wall flower at the dance but I’ll also never be voted Homecoming King/Queen. So for those of you reading this who also fall into the category that I do, I just want you to know that although no one may ever ask you to be in an ad without your shirt on for gay furniture and you don’t have a rainbow flag hanging from your garage, you’re a gay too. An important part of the gay community and I celebrate you. Us regular garden variety gays need to stick together and perhaps when publishers like PlanetOut and television figure out there’s more of us than them and they’ll get smart and market to us.

What I really want is for all you forty-something gays who aren’t afraid of being forty (trying to still pass for 29 and dating a twenty-one year old who thinks you’re 26) to throw your Advocate magazines in the trash, flip the channel when there’s another Pride parade being mocked by the evening news showing only the drag queens, go to your window and scream, “I’m gay as hell too and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Forty-something Gay Pride – Don’t Get Me Started!

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I’m Offended You’re Offended By Hallmark For This – Don’t Get Me Started!

So supposedly, Hallmark pulled a card that some gays found to be offensive. The card, designed for Father’s Day read “Dad how about a Father’s Day picnic?” on the front of it and the phrase, “Too queer? Yeah, I thought so too” on the inside. Have we really gotten to this point where even Hallmark, the maker upper of holidays that have no true value other than to sell cards, has found a way to offend us? I’m offended you’re offended by Hallmark For This – Don’t Get Me Started!

Come on people, they’ve put in a line of cards by Maya Angelou, they’ve put cards in Spanish, they’ve even put in a few more Jewish holiday cards (although they’re always smaller than Christmas cards, not boxed and on the bottom shelf). How can you be mad at a company that helped put “sweetest day” on the map? A holiday, incidentally, that was created by candy companies to sell candy but somehow is supposed to celebrate those you love while reminding you to also think of the sick, aged and orphaned all on one day. Um...wouldn’t that be everyone? Well, start hoarding your candy as the holiday is the third Saturday in October each year. My point is that all you have to do is walk into a Hallmark store to see what it’s all about. Have you ever been in one? Let me walk you through it.

The employees are (now don’t anyone get offended) predominantly white women of a certain age from another era. An era where Tupperware parties still reign supreme and the most important things in their day is straightening the resin statues with biblical phrases on them and wondering what they’re going to feed their “men” when they get home at night. These women have been lost in time, completely. They blush when the cards came in with the male stripper on the front exposing, dare I say it, his nipples <blush> and wearing nothing but a Speedo. These women are six minutes away from creating a bake sale at any given moment. And this my friends, is why we’ve seen Hallmark card stores dying out like the dinosaur they are, having only slightly changed with the times. So no wonder they would produce a card that has a queer joke in it. Look at their employees and consumers and the whole story reveals itself. Here’s what I think the “ladies” at Hallmark would say about all the fuss. “After all Helen, I don’t see what all the fuss is about, those gays have that television show about five “queer” boys who “fix up” real men on the television. Of course I didn’t watch the actual show but I did see an advertisement for it while I was watching something on the Food Network. Oh it was a yummy looking casserole that had tuna and get ready for this…some sherry in it, if you can believe that. Can you think of anything so daring? Oh wait, no it wasn’t on the Food Network, I think one of those queers was on the television selling pants suits on QVC right after the brooch hour. I got the most stunning bumble bee pin made of painted enamel in 24 carat plated gold and two Diamonique stones for the eyes. No, I didn’t watch the queer boy. After all, I had to get John’s dinner ready.”

The thing that is so funny about all of this is that all you have to do is look at the Hallmark offerings online to see that they have a completely different sensibility online. Have you looked and listened to any of the Hoops&YoYo cards? They were obviously written and voiced by either some gays or people who’ve done a lot of hanging out with the gays. How Hallmark has managed to live this dual life this long without them crashing into one another is pretty amazing actually. (Maybe Jim McGreevey is running this company!) Let’s just call it functionally dysfunctional. (But don’t most of us fit into that category?)

I get why some gays were offended by the cards but aren’t we all tired of being so offended by everything and everyone else? I don’t know about you but for me it’s simply exhausting. Should I be offended that there’s so much to get offended about or is it offensive that I’ve lost my barometer on what’s offensive due to the fact that everything I read is telling me to be offended by everything else?

We shouldn’t be offended at Hallmark, they are what they are and we should accept them for their choice to have no grip on reality. Their’s is a reality of butterflies with glitter on the front of cards with things like, “To Someone Nice To Know” on them. They should leave the humor to people who can better handle it, the online Hallmark consumers who send e-cards like Hoops&YoYo and people who buy cards from MikWright (Love them – www.mikwright.com ) and close all the Hallmark stores. Or do you find that offensive? If so, I’m offended you’re offended by Hallmark For This – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Ex-Mrs. McCreepy (Sorry, McGreevey) Has Slow Book Sales – Don’t Get Me Started!

As you know from my previous post, I was one of the few homosexuals who was not all that fired up about the coming out of the governor of New Jersey as he stepped down from office. Why you may ask? Because to me, Jim McGreevey has always seemed a little McCreepy. (Read the blog here…Jim McGreevey Is A Little McCreepy For This Gay) And even after I saw him on Oprah there was something that just seemed a bit suspect to me. Well, not to be out done by her ex, the soon to be divorced Mrs. McGreevey has been published too. Ex-Mrs. McCreepy (sorry, McGreevey) has slow book sales – Don’t Get Me Started!

Blaming her ex-husband for the slow book sales of her book about her long suffering experiences of finding out her hubby was gay, Jim and Dina McGreevey rate right up there for me with the Buttafucos and Amy Fisher. Remember their story? Remember now how you don’t care about it? <True story time – my parents were at some event in New York that the Buttafucos attended too. My mother, never one to be at a loss for words, when introduced to Mary Jo (Buttafuco’s wife) made the usual small talk and then came out with this classic gem, “How’s your face?” – yet another reason I love my mother!>

My point for both McGreeveys is that someone needs to let you know that your fifteen minutes of fame have definitely expired. You’ve both been on Oprah and couldn’t even manage to make a best selling book out of the appearance so all ready you’ve got to know that you’re both really dull (even with ghost writers). If you want the public to care about you, read your books or even possibly buy them, you’re going to have to put some more money in the media meter. Jim, you’ll have to leave the rich Australian billionaire that you’ve created Southfork New Jersey with and start dating Lance Bass. Dina, you’ll have to start your own talk show titled, “So you think your husband is gay?” The problem is that neither of you are interesting enough to pull either of those off.

And have you seen Jim McGreevey at his Southfork New Jersey? Oh my God, he and his luvah have managed to get every gay cliché picture perfect. They have this sprawling mansion where they lounge on their wood Adirondack chairs looking at the big mansion while the dogs run around in the yard. The thing is that you get the very distinct impression that you wouldn’t want to be in either’s company for a long period of time and since all you got to see of the house on the Oprah show was a fussy early American living room; the feeling I got was that they have doilies all over God creation, looking as though they took the house from some ninety year old grandmother and just loved everything about it so didn’t change a thing. Who doesn’t love a spinning wheel in the center of a room next to the Betsy Ross inspired rocker? It just makes you go, “Hmmm. I thought the gays had better taste than this….well, I know I do (read my Queerty.com essay http://www.queerty.com/art/the-style-issue-designing-for-two-20070613/ …hmmm…the straights can have Jim back, effective immediately.”

I have had gay friends who have been married to women and while I understand that the guys think they’re being all butch and covering it, I have to say that the only way a woman could not know that they were gay is because they didn’t want to know that they were gay. These women, who look at a man as if he may be the “one” are really just looking for the white dress and picket fence no matter what the cost to them personally. And in the case of Dina McGreevey, if you don’t think for a minute she didn’t have her eyes on being First Lady instead of Jim’s crotch you’re mistaken. Of course, in the cruelest twist of fate, Jim became First Lady and Dina became, well…someone who can’t sell books.

Times have changed and there is no reason for gay men to try to “fit” in with straight society by marrying women, ruining unsuspecting women’s lives and yet there are millions in that position right now. The thing is, with Oprah’s “down low” or “DL” show and with all the media that the gay celebs get when they come out, you would think that at the very least Mrs. McGreevey could sell some books with her topic, right? I haven’t read her or her husband’s book (and I won’t) but perhaps she took the wrong approach.

Instead of writing about her long suffering (building her own cross and dragging it on the lawn of the governor’s mansion) perhaps she should have really been writing about all the tell-tale signs that she claims she never saw in her husband or their relationship? Seems to me that an approach like that would truly assist women in the same situation rather than claiming ignorance for four hundred pages, causing everyone to wonder how she could have deluded herself for so long. She should tell stories (even if they were made up) of how Jim would tell her that indeed what she had put on to wear to the cocktail party DID make her look fat. He would make her change blouses over and over again until he liked what she had on before photo ops with the press. Now this is the kind of stuff we would be interested in, right? Then we might have some sympathy for her or even read her book. But unfortunately, such is not the case. And while I agree that she was married under false pretenses and I feel a bit sorry for her, I don’t feel sorry for her that she managed to take an interesting topic and make it so dull no one cares about it. Ex-Mrs. McCreepy (sorry, McGreevey) has slow book sales – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Web Searches – Who Are These People? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Like most websites, mine can tell me who has clicked over from another site that has a link to mine (an example would be the “blogroll” my site is included on at www.outzonetv.com ), it can tell me how many people are visiting the site and the average amount of times people are visiting my site. Now before you get all creeped out, thinking it’s all too, “Big Brother is watching” for you (Yes, I’m talking directly to my pal Betsy with that comment) it does not provide me with any personal information about you specifically. (But why ARE you wearing that pair of pants while you’re reading this? You know it makes your ass look huge. Oh, going out to find a date and you WANT your ass to look huge…well, mission accomplished!) And there’s a lot of data the site gives me that I have no idea what the hell it means however, I recently looked to see the “searches” people have put into Internet search engines (like Google) that brought them to my site. Web searches – who are these people? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Okay, now some of the following I get but a lot I just don’t understand. Not to mention the fact that I’m sure whoever these people are, some were astonished to find me at the end of their rainbow…I mean, search. There’s no need to comment on these really, just read them and then tell me you don’t think some are as hysterical as I do!

Now some of these I get like the “gayer than…” or the “Dreamgirls” searches but can someone tell me who is looking for say an “upper thigh tattoo fag” or perhaps my fave, “is Vivian Vance Jewish?” Again I ask… Web searches – who are these people? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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The Gay Bomb – Don’t Get Me Started!

Well kids, our Pentagon has done it again. In a report that was recently released, apparently they were working on a bomb that would contain a non-lethal chemical that would cause “the enemy” to suddenly have the urge to be attracted to one another sexually, causing massive homosexual orgies, giving the US the opportunity to I don’t know, watch or run in while everyone had their pants down and steal their wallets and guns. The Gay Bomb – Don’t Get Me Started!

First of all, there are several different substances that come to mind (poppers, ecstasy, etc.) that many gays abuse that cause the gay orgy conditions (usually centered around The White Party). But what makes this recent news go directly into the “sad but funny” category is that the white men who run our government (who have spent millions to make us think anyone of color is a terrorist) are now thinking they’ve outsmarted everyone by creating a bomb that would create conditions that they themselves are frightened of yet not so for every other culture around the world (contrary to what they would have us believe). That’s right, not everyone is afraid of us gays like the white men who run our government and just because the chemical would supposedly make the men attracted to one another doesn’t mean that (now get ready because I know some straightees won’t believe this one) it doesn’t mean that because there’s an attraction that the men are going to drop trow and start going at it right there. Some of the gays have a thing called, “self-control” which is more than I can say for the congressmen trying to date male teenage pages and evangelistic ministers who hire “massage therapists” for meth and sex.

I’m sure that it won’t be long before the “family values” set are starting to think to themselves, if they can make a chemical to make them gay, they should be able to make one to make them not gay. (Of course then they would have to admit that being gay isn’t a choice but something we’re born with which I don’t think most of them have the capacity to understand at the moment) But let’s suppose for a moment that they admit that we’re born gay. Let’s take it to the next (ridiculous) level the same way that they would. If they could make a “straightee spray”, how long do you think it would be before the Christian right and their pals would be rounding up us gays, putting pink triangles on us and telling us we’re going into a disco (because you know that their perception of gays is still based on a 1970’s notion that the ritual gay mating ground is a disco)? Once inside the “disco” they would gas us with the non-gay spray and voila, the next thing you know, when you open the door you have a bunch of guys grabbing their balls instead of each others. I know that this sounds like a wet dream to the born again set (and Hitler), hoping that we gays would be born again, not only taking Jesus into our hearts but women into our beds. Unfortunately, I know a lot of gays and a lot of straights and I’m thinking that both sides would like to keep their teams intact.

Let’s face it; the worst thing that could happen for straight men is to have gay men turn straight. Think about it, men who are straight who have the sensitivity and sensibility of a gay man? Trust me when I say there isn’t one original straight man that would be getting any pussy if this happened.

Meanwhile, you know someone was paid a lot of money to come up with the idea of the gay bomb and if that is the case, where do I sign up? I mean, I can come up with some really bad ideas too and I’d like to be paid millions for my stupidity the same as say, Halliburton. Let’s see, I could think up a bomb that would make everyone want to wear bright pink. This way the terrorists wouldn’t be able to hide and when they were captured and photographed they’d look pretty! Or I could come up with an idea that we could drop a bomb to make us all skinny bitches who drive drunk and don’t contribute to society – oops, sorry Paris, looks like you’ve all ready been hit by that bomb. (By the way, did you hear that Paris – like many convicts – has discovered The Lord? If she starts talking like the Damon Wayans character from In Living Color who was incarcerated and would talk about “the edification of the masturbation of the configuration” I’ll just die!)

I know that war can be hell but coming up with ideas like turning our enemy gay isn’t going to send everyone to hell you Christian crazies. No, the only thing it will do is save a lot of money for gay pornographers who spend money casting boys to look like they are soldiers to star in the gay porn. No, this way they would be able to just go over to wherever the government drops the bomb, set the camera on a tripod and come back in a few hours when the dust settles.

Sometimes you have to laugh at the ridiculous things in life and believe me when I say I’m laughing long and hard about this one. (I know; I should never have used “long” and “hard” in a blog about this topic.) But just remember that the theory Bush sold us all on to get into this war is the same theory he’ll use for this new chemical technology. “We’re making gays over there so that we won’t have to have gays here.” It’s about as sound as every other decision and preposterous theory he’s sold us. Let’s just hope that they make the gay bomb smell like Paco Rabbanne and not one of the Axe sprays! The Gay Bomb – Don’t Get Me Started!

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The 2007 Tony Awards – Don’t Get Me Started!

“And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul and tried…but I felt nothing.” (From the song, “Nothing” from A Chorus Line) Oh the evening started out glitzy and great enough with the cast of A Chorus Line out on the street in front of Radio City but the moment the stars were revealed with their headshots (cute idea by the way) that was the end of what made a Broadway award show as dull as the season it was celebrating. The 2007 Tony Awards – Don’t Get Me Started!

For those of you shocked that this blog entry didn’t appear yesterday I know, and I agree with you but the Sopranos finale took precedence on Sunday night and I waited until last evening (all of last evening – now we know how the people who saw the nine hour The Coast of Utopia felt) to watch the Tonys.

I knew we were in for some trouble when Broadway Legend, Angela Lansbury came out and couldn’t read the prompter to the point that it made you look like the old RCA Victor “Nipper” dog logo – head cocked and an expression of confusion on your face. But take away this karfuffle at the start of the night and you have…well, you have…um…you have what would turn out to be quite the boring show.

I would like to ask right now that the writers of award shows stop trying to be funny (this goes for winners of awards too, who quote something that their inner circle of six people they’ve worked with get but that the whole audience just stares blankly at and gives no response) No, imagine how much longer everyone could speak when they get an award and how we could have what they called the “Creative Arts” awards included in the telecast if people weren’t trying to do shtick that some writers in a room thought was funny but the presenters can’t deliver and it really has nothing to do with the show anyway? Look, every presenter is “somebody” so let’s just look at them and listen to them read the nominees and the winner while we criticize their hair and the fact that they wore a dress similar to the color of tea stained teeth, washing the woman completely out along with her make up person who made the choice to just do her eyes and not her lips or vice versa in a new look that can only be described as undone – and yes, it’s undone me.

The musical contributions were tepid at best. Spring Awakening, the big winner just looks and sounds like the 2007 version of Rent to me. I don’t know, doesn’t really make me want to see it and the creators were so unappealing that it made the show seem even less attractive to me. I’m sure it’s brilliant and that it’s changing the way we look at the American Musical Theatre but I’ve seen a lot of Broadway and I’ll let the original A Chorus Line be what changed musical theatre for me, not teenage angst done to a score that seems to rely on obscenities rather than substance. While I love the source material of Grey Gardens and think both the actresses are wonderful the score seems like songs that are being made up as they go along – where’s Jerry Herman when you need him? Curtains looks like a fun romp and after all if that many Broadway heavyweights (are you listening Debra Monk?) in the cast can’t make a show work than we’re all in trouble. Loved Audra McDonald in Ragtime but her performance from 110 In The Shade reminded me more of a high school girl in her bedroom rather than a Broadway performance. And then you have Mary Poppins which I thought would be a Technicolor throw back to the Golden Broadway musical era heyday that just fell flat giving off a dated (and not in a good way) sort of vibe. I wanted to love it…I didn’t. But that can be said of the entire evening.

The plays seemed to fair better, although I’ll never get over a nine hour show. I guess it’s really method acting as the actors actually age as the show gets presented (and so does the audience, probably).

The performance of the evening was shockingly enough, Fantasia. She is the reason I would see The Color Purple. Another score that doesn’t really “sing” to me, I had no interest in seeing it but seeing Fantasia act through that number (even in that incongruous evening gown) was the only edge of the seat moment provided all night. And you know I’m not wrong when they pan to Idina Menzel moved to tears watching the performance. This is what Broadway was and should be about, the performances.

I know that we need to support the Tonys even when it’s a year that doesn’t have a “Wicked” but this year’s show was less than great and although I think having a less than great Broadway season was a major factor the production was off too. The whole memorandum piece delivered by Tommy Tune (who by the way, must be sleeping in formaldehyde because he looks exactly the same) seemed to take the show’s director by surprise, not choosing the right camera angles to give us a good look at the screen showing the dead people or Tommy Tune. It was jerky (and not just the camera shots).

Perhaps the greatest blow to me was the fact that a show that did revolutionize the theatre was turned into a mere footnote in the proceedings. A Chorus Line meant a lot to a lot of people and I’m one of them (Read about my Chorus Line experience here… http://www.somelikeitscott.com/somelikegay.html ). The thing about A Chorus Line is that it was a new way of looking at the performers behind the magic that was Broadway and seeing them exposed was more riveting than any reality television show today. I haven’t seen the revival but I’ve been told the edge is gone and that the entire production is a little too “acted” to give it the original bite it had when first put up on Broadway and that’s a shame. But if you had told any of us back in the 70’s when we first saw A Chorus Line that it would be put in an “also ran” category we would have told you that you were nuts. I guess times do change but I still want to believe that shows like A Chorus Line, Evita and more will always have a place of prominence on Broadway and not a “been there, done that” classification.

I don’t think Spring Awakening is changing theatre, I think it got lucky to be in a mediocre season and be just “what the fuck is this” enough for people to call it art (something that happens in theatre, movies and other forms of art). As for me, I’ll still look for the next Grand Hotel or Fiddler, hoping for the next Jule Styne, Comden and Green, or Cy Coleman to appear and bring us back to Broadway. The Broadway that we all loved and cherished before it became about putting lame celebrities in parts to keep shows open (Are you listening Tony Danza who is on his way to star as “Max” in The Producers here in Vegas after a mediocre run on Broadway). “Won’t forget, can’t regret, what I did for love.” The 2007 Tony Awards – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Peter Pace Is Out…Of His Job, That Is – Don’t Get Me Started!

After the recent comment by the chairman of the Chief Joints Of Staff, General Peter Pace (regarding homosexuality being immoral) you would think that we gays would be throwing a parade over his leaving his post (let’s face it, on the whole, we’ll throw a parade about anything). However, a closer examination will show you that this is just another illusion created by our faves in the White House to save their own ass being probed! Peter Pace is out…of his job, that is – Don’t Get Me Started!

You see, the real reason that General Pace is out on his ass has nothing to do with his comments about us gays or the fact that the war (that he’s basically in charge of) is going so poorly. No, the reason that he is out is because apparently when you go up for another two year term you have to go in front of a congressional committee and the powers that be were scared that the questions the committee would ask Pace would be too damaging. Of course that’s not what they’re saying. They’re saying that the questions would focus too much on the past and that we have to move on if we’re going to get this war thing settled, etc. We can’t spend time looking at the past when our future is at stake.

Okay, let’s face it, this is the dumbest idea someone with a marketing degree from a two year college ever came up with for the Republicans. Do they really expect us to believe this? I’ll admit that we all have short attention spans (right now as I’m writing this I’m thinking about this, my job, my life and something shiny all at the same time) but God love us, some of us haven’t quite gotten to the point where we get fucked up the ass and don’t remember it. (I know, speak for myself, right?)

The thing about General Pace is that to be honest, until he was asked about, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and made his homosexuals are immoral crack, I didn’t know anything about the guy. And to hear that a military leader thinks us gays are immoral well frankly it didn’t surprise or shock me. It was another one of those, “Oh God, here we go again moments.” But here’s the deal, he’s not being “put down” like a puppy who was born with his heart outside his chest, no, he’s being put down because they don’t want to face the scrutiny that’s bound to come up against this guy so the only thing on his chest is going to be some medals, a new post and I’m sure no doubt a book deal.

What we should be focused on is why they don’t want to talk about all the bloopers and blunders that have been this war. At this point there’s plenty for them to do a two hour show hosted by Dick Clark about the goofy stupidity that has been this war. (Hey, there’s an idea; and we could get the soldiers who are now making videos on YouTube to send in their classic blooper moments from the front – have you ever heard anything so ridiculous as the whole videos from the front idea? – Another blog for another day - Come on; are we fighting a war or is Bravo doing Project Camouflage in Iraq?) And when they say that they don’t want to focus on the past frankly, it just makes all us Jews (and should everyone else) a little more than a little nervous. You see, that’s one of the big mantras that came out of the whole Holocaust deal, “Never Again” – if we do not learn from our past, we’re doomed to repeat it.

In my humble opinion, we should be talking a lot about our past and our failings when it comes to the war and everything else this government has done. You know, just in case we may want to learn something from our past mistakes. Don’t worry, I’m not going to grow a beard, go live in a small hut on a farm in Iowa and send hate through the Internet. (I’ll leave that to the professionals like the KKK, other hate mongers and General Pace) But you have to wonder why our government is the most dysfunctional family (though all they preach continuously about are their so-called, “family values”) in the world? Instead of discussing a problem, they prefer to defer, sulk and just not say anything. And we all know that this is the perfect way to solve your problems with someone, the silent treatment and then eventually (hopefully) everyone gets over what they were mad about and moves on. You know, like a friend of mine always talks about the way her family settles something, “I showed him, I was so mad at him but I just didn’t say anything to him!”

Maybe we need to send the government into the Dr. Phil house to understand why General Pace has so much pent up rage over us gays, why Bush can never admit he’s wrong and why none of us felt bad when Jerry Falwell died. Or we can continue to make the same mistakes and act surprised that we’ve made them all over again, allowing Pace and the others to do a take into the camera with their hands up in the air, with an adorable, “Got Me?” look on their face.

I’m glad that Pace is leaving but let’s face it kids he ain’t the problem here, is he? We all know where the real problem is and the only thing we have against Pace is that he let his inside voice do the talking when his lips were moving. I don’t care that General Pace thinks that my lifestyle is immoral because I find what he’s been doing to assist the “powers that be” to keep this war running immoral too. So we’re even, the only difference is that he’ll be on Larry King and I’ll continue to only have readers that go searching on Google for Danke Schoen by Wayne Newton stumble upon my blog! Peter Pace is out…of his job, that is – Don’t Get Me Started!

 
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Isaiah Washington Washed (er..scrubbed) From Grey’s – Don’t Get Me Started!

As I’ve said before, I don’t watch the show Grey’s Anatomy and most likely won’t as my Tivo is like a great nightclub – no one (in this case, shows) are getting in until someone leaves. I need my trash television and my Studio 60 (which I guess I’m watching alone according to the ratings – come on people a well written and well acted show like this needs to survive – watch with me on Thursday nights, will ya?). The reason I’ve taken any interest at all in Grey’s Anatomy is due to the “gay” incident or “f” incident as some would call it, when Isaiah Washington referred to co-star T.R. Knight as a faggot. (There I’ve written it – and will continue to do so as it’s so much easier for someone like me who never took a typing course to not have to bother with the quotation marks, you know, hold the shift key, etc. – ugh) According to the latest reports, Washington’s contract has not been renewed so he won’t be back next season. Isaiah Washington washed (er…scrubbed) from Grey’s – Don’t Get Me Started!

Washington has been credited as saying about the firing, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” First of all, you’re situation is too insignificant for you to try to use a classic Hollywood line (that was delivered amazingly by Peter Finch in the movie Network). Nice try but once again, your words have failed you. Seems to me you shoulda oughta known you can’t go against the gay mafia when it comes to Hollywood because they’re less forgiving then when you broke you’re mother’s antique vase while playing ball in the living room. No more will the gay powers that be stand back (or bend over) and take it from celebs who don’t show the respect they should be showing (at least publicly). As Mel Brooks said in To Be Or Not To Be, “Without Jews, Gypsys and faggots there would be no theatre!”

We all know that Washington was wrong and wouldn’t it be nice if we held all public figures to the same scrutiny we do our actors? I don’t know, say, people like General Pace who called homosexuality immoral? (Read that blog... Seems to me we should be more worried about a PSA from General Pace than Isaiah Washington ) And at the same time the “victim” in all of this scandal, T.R. Knight deserves the pussy of the year award. I didn’t expect him to challenge Washington to a duel (apparently that’s what his gal pal Katherine Heigl is there to do) but his lack of turning this thing around frankly feeds into the whole limp wristed, weak gay stereotype.

Oh sure, he’s on the cover of The Advocate’s latest issue but when you read the article you really have to wonder how someone with so little personality like Knight became a personality. More shocking was a piece they did about Neil Patrick Harris and Knight appearing at a GLAAD dinner in April where Knight received thunderous applause and a standing ovation and Harris received only a few claps. (You see, we don’t like to talk about it all that much but we can be really bitchy as a community, even at high falutin’ dinners.) The reason for no standing “O” for Harris was because he had (pardon the expression) skirted the issue about his sexuality for years before coming out (imagine wanting to keep one’s personal life private – there’s dumb for you, right? <Sarcasm folks>) But because Knight came out after being pushed out by the incident with Washington, apparently he’s more “worthy” of our gay adulation. I’d like to remind us gays at this point that he wasn’t the one who broke the story, he didn’t break ranks to talk to the press after it happened and he wasn’t in Brokeback Mountain. So no need to get out your hankies for Knight, boys. He was an unwilling participant in a scandal who did nothing to help educate or move beyond it. (Can you say time for a new press agent?)

I don’t expect Knight to go on a tour of high schools with an, “It’s okay to be gay” message but I would have liked him to at least do more than just sheepishly walk around like someone’s dullard second cousin with his head down going, “Um…yeah, gay…um…yup, that’s me.” But he didn’t and I got over it (quickly). I thought that we had all moved on until I saw the firing of Washington in the news today.

Washington will undoubtedly get another job and Knight will grip onto Grey’s until the last bit of life is out of it and in ten years none of us will remember either of them unless they find a way to keep re-inventing themselves like Madonna. I don’t wish them ill I just wish we as a society could at some point stop focusing on things like this and start focusing on things that really matter. I’m all for us gays getting equal rights but where we get these people who don’t understand or hate us is by living our lives respectfully and positively, leading by example in their neighborhoods. Bottom line here is that Washington deserves what he got so hopefully they won’t give him any more publicity and we can all go on with our own pursuits of happiness. Isaiah Washington washed (er…scrubbed) from Grey’s – Don’t Get Me Started!

 
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Paris Takes A Powder – Don’t Get Me Started!

Well, I don’t know that any of us could possibly even act surprised by the news that Paris Hilton was released from jail citing, “medical reasons” and will serve the rest of her sentence in the comfort of her own home. I can only imagine what the “medical reasons” were but for those of you who are staunch Paris lovers don’t worry, although she only spent three days in the slammer she’s being credited for five. Another great example of the celebrity justice system doing what it does best - allowing the elite to make the laws and then get out of jail free when it comes to one of their own. Paris takes a powder – Don’t Get Me Started!

Back in the gangster movies of the 1940’s they used to say someone was taking a “powder” when they were hiding out (usually after committing a crime) the thing is that with Paris she really isn’t taking a powder as much as she’s thumbing her nose at the entire criminal court system and now we know that justice is not only blind; the lady with the two scales and blindfold is taking it up the ass on this one.

Why the anger? I’ll tell you why. Because like it or not, Paris Hilton is a public figure who is (and I’m cringing when I say this) a role model for young girls. How sad will it be for the wannabe Paris girls across the country when they decide to emulate their idol, get in trouble and unless Mommy and Daddy have enough cash, find themselves sitting in a prison cell saying, “But Paris got to go home.” More importantly, what does it tell all the people in jail and those about to go to jail (some unjustly)? After all, not all of us have the name Scooter and a bunch of people lobbying to get us pardoned. Let’s face it, if you’re rich, white and a celebrity then crime away and get you’re very own platinum get out of jail free card.

I’m not saying I wanted to see Paris in the workout yard with Brenda the Boss Lady treating Paris like her prison bitch but come on doesn’t this person who treated her life and others with great disregard being drunk and driving deserve to spend a little time working in at the very least the prison library? Who knows, she might even learn to read.  

I guess the big question here more than anything is why do celebrities drive at all? We all know that they have drivers, usually the same ones that spend their time sitting on the hood of the car while their celebrity is in some party getting fucked up beyond belief. The chauffeur’s job is to keep their mouth shut and just quietly clean the vomit out of the car without letting the paparazzi get a shot of it. So with this pampering so readily available to them, why do they all continue to drive? If the want to drive that badly (yes, intended both ways), rent out a race track for the day, drive drunk and only kill yourself please.

At the end of the day, it’s not about the drinking and it’s not about the driving. It’s about the protected privileged class continuing to show society that it truly is a “do as I say, but don’t expect me to live up to that standard myself” kind of world for these folks. I read recently that companies are hiring (in essence) cheerleaders for their companies. These people are responsible for coming up with programs and implementing them for the new “me” generation. These corporate caregivers come up with such things as “employee of the day” instead of month because immediate gratification and satisfaction will keep the employee interested in working. Well, I hope that these companies are ready to hire Super Nanny to clean up the overindulgent mess they are making for themselves.

I know, I suddenly sound very old but come on, at some point don’t we have to teach the next generation something other than how to text to order a pizza and instead teach them to take some responsibility for their actions? And shouldn’t we hold the people who are taking our money when we buy their products, watch their movies and their television shows accountable and demand they at least do what they used to sing about in the old TV show Baretta, “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.” Don’t our celebrities at the very least owe us that much? Apparently not, apparently we should all just be worried that the anklet that Paris is having put on may chafe her or not fit at all on those skinny chicken bone ankles. No worries, I’m sure that even with her “medical condition” Paris will find a way to get out of the remaining days of her sentence and still host a party for some liquor company (receiving a hundred thousand dollars), stating that it was part of her rehabilitation or something. All we can hope is that Paris does have a medical condition and that it will keep us from seeing her for a few weeks, um…days…well, okay, hours. Paris takes a powder – Don’t Get Me Started!

 
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It’s Good To Be The King…Gayle King Oprah’s Best Friend, That Is – Don’t Get Me Started!

Now I really don’t begrudge anyone anything that luck happens to dump in their lap and the same goes for Ms. Gayle King, Oprah’s best friend. She’s very lucky that her best gal pal is one of the most influential and richest people in their world. It’s a little like picking your parents in a way. She knew Oprah before she was a mega-billionaire so she may or may not have known just how big a star she was “hitching her star to” but nonetheless, her horse has come in and she’s reaping the benefits. It’s good to be the king…Gayle King Oprah’s best friend, that is – Don’t Get Me Started!

It has occurred to me on more than one occasion that I do not have the friends that could turn into another Oprah and put me on their payroll (damn it all to hell). Everyone knows that these “friends” (or more likely sycophants and leeches) usually just make sure that the Perrier is the right temperature and the crust is off the bread but sometimes, just sometimes, they get put in positions that really they have no business being in and yet no one seems to care because, after all, they are so and so’s best friend. (Let me just say, I’m ready, willing and able – billionaires, apply here – I’m fun to be around on a regular basis at parties and very creative!)

Well, I’m not picking on Gayle King but honestly what are her qualifications? And more importantly, where do I sign up? All you have to do is watch a few shows that Gayle is on with Oprah and you begin to see the whole dynamic. Gayle is basically Oprah’s bitch. Oprah can make fun of Gayle, tell her how wrong or stupid she is and yet Gayle sits there with a smile on her face like Oliver from the musical, saying, “Please sir, I want some more!” But come on, wouldn’t you? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, right?

Recently I heard that Gayle King was one of the people being considered as a replacement on The View. Here’s the problem with that one, Gayle is one of the dullest people I’ve ever watched on television. She has nothing to offer (except that she’s Oprah’s pal). I can’t even imagine her being able to do the show without referencing Oprah every few minutes and having Oprah call in on an earpiece to tell her what to say.  

I watched the road trip they took and this more than anything proved that Gayle is Oprah’s baby sister that takes a sibling beating at least once an hour. While Oprah looks disgusted and hurls insults at Gayle, Gayle pouts and tries (unsuccessfully) to deflect the taunts. But I guess if it works for them, who am I to say?

Well, what I’d like Gayle to say to Oprah are things like, “Yes, you’re the boss of me but you don’t own me, bosswoman.” I’d like Gayle to tell Oprah not to sing with every musical guest that is on the show while she keeps looking at the camera to see if they’re getting a shot of her singing along with the musical guest. Gayle could tell her that that bushy, all thrown up on the top of her head hairstyle looks like shit. And she could let Oprah know that having middle aged white women scream at the top of their lungs because they’re getting a nail file and the latest sunglasses from some company that is supposedly “Oprah’s favorite” is more than a little annoying for the home viewers. If Gayle did these things, perhaps she would be more interesting and could become a serious contender to break out on her own (after the considerable leg up from her pal).

But no, I fear we’re doomed to watch segments of Gayle trying to find the perfect burger across the country while Oprah makes fun of her love of food (as if Oprah doesn’t love her a good burger) and belittle her on national television so that Oprah can seem like the funnier and prettier one. In a way it’s a little like watching Ethel and Lucy. It’s widely known now that it was in Lucy’s contract to make sure that Ethel (Vivian Vance) never had nicer clothes or hair than Lucy. Ethel was contractually supposed to be frumpier at all times. This didn’t make the show work better, just made Lucy feel better about herself (just as I suspect it does for Oprah). Of course the difference here is that Vivian Vance was a scream. If you ever doubt it, watch the episode where they visit Ethel Mae Potter’s home town in New Mexico to see the brilliance that was Vivian Vance.

Unfortunately, I don’t see that kind of brilliance coming from Gayle King. But then again, does she really need to produce anything to be the straight man for Oprah’s comedy act? I guess it works for them and obviously for millions of women and men who watch them both but if Oprah ever decided to do a reality show she should consider doing Who Wants To Be Gayle King. People would line up for miles and miles to get a crack at dethroning King. Because after all, it’s good to be the king…Gayle King Oprah’s best friend, that is – Don’t Get Me Started!

 
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Maury and Dr. Phil Make Me Feel Like A Better Man – Don’t Get Me Started!

I don’t know what it is, human nature? That we need to see others suffering more than us to make us feel better about our situation or station in life but on my lowest days I just don’t know what I would do without these shows to give me a much needed lift about how I view my life. Maury and Dr. Phil make me feel like a better man – Don’t Get Me Started!

Any knowledge I have can be attributed to what I learned from musicals. The one thing I know for sure is that this is what they were singing about in the song, “Schadenfreude” from the show, Avenue Q is dead on. It states that schadenfreude is a German word which means “happiness at the misfortune of others” and of course it also appeals to my sense of Jewish consciousness that it’s a German word!

When I watch those shows with the women who are testing the four hundredth guy who may possibly be the father of one of the seventeen kids she has or see Dr. Phil trap a family in a house filled with cameras to watch them self destruct, I can’t help but think, “Well, at least my family isn’t that bad.” I mean, sure we’re co-dependent (we’re Jews for Chrissakes) and get on one another’s nerves but I can’t see my mother dragging my father onto the Maury show to hear, “Joe, you are NOT the father.” Mainly because my brother and I look exactly like our Dad and at this point in our lives we’ve resigned ourselves to the fact that we are a family of short Jews with lots of cancer running through our family tree. (Some things you learn to accept with time and age.)

Yesterday on Maury they had on kids that were morbidly obese because they are being overfed by their parents or grandparents. (Morbidly obese is being kind. These toddlers look like the Michelin Man or the big Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters) I don’t get it frankly. Growing up we got to eat whatever we wanted but I never had my grandmother feed me so much I threw up (like the grandmother on this show). It seems ridiculous that these people claim they don’t know why their two-year-old child is a hundred pounds when they are feeding them an entire rasher of bacon, Twinkies and curly fries hourly. This hardly seems to require a show about it or the (Maury regular) sweater vest with no shirt wearing huge black guy (who we have no idea what his credentials are, other than he must really have some smelly sweater vests not wearing at least a t-shirt under them) to come and yell at these parents. Maury should stick to the paternity and “Is it a she or he” shows.

Fast forward to Dr. Phil who has a family caught like rats in the Dr. Phil house. A family that spews venom at one another like a bunch of serpents, we watch as they destroy one another’s spirit and general lives trying to be less like Molly Brown (saving people on the Titanic – Debbie Reynolds movie musical required watching for all of you, The Unsinkable Molly Brown) and more like the iceberg itself. Dr. Phil comes in occasionally to shake things up, yell at everyone and I guess give what could be considered therapeutic advice but you definitely feel as if this family is headed for destruction and all you can do is slow your car down and try to look while you’re trying to not really look and stop traffic, looking at their misfortune thanking your lucky stars that it isn’t you.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have compassion for these people. Come on, you’re talking to the guy who can’t watch Extreme Home Makeover without getting dehydrated from sobbing so much. But I’m also a firm believer that we create our own hell for ourselves right here on earth and these people seem to excel in doing just that to themselves. And isn’t the whole, “Thank God it isn’t me” factor exactly what gives these shows their high ratings? That mob mentality of preying on the weaker than is what keeps the animal kingdom in check after all, doesn’t it?

Well in the words of the “Elephant Man” - “I am not an animal, I am a human being.” I feel for these people and am not someone with the greatest self esteem myself but when I watch these shows, I can’t help but think, “At least I’m not the Elephant Man, Sh’quandry looking for a baby’s daddy or being put in the Doctor Phil house (yet).” I know exactly what to do. I’ll go get a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks (self medication) and say a little prayer that there are people out there who have it worse than me (also including in my prayer that I hope they find a way to make things better for themselves) and be okay that I feel a little bit better that I’m not one of them. Maury and Dr. Phil make me feel like a better man – Don’t Get Me Started!

   
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No Pancho For Paris Hilton – Don’t Get Me Started!

Well, Paris has started her jail term and should be back out around 23 days from now. What will we do without her? Um, I don’t know, live our lives perhaps? We’ll see how long she actually stays in and if the correctional system can stand her for that period of time. The big concern (of course) is who and how they’re going to get a camera in to jail to get a photo of Paris behind bars. It could bring as much as $500,000 they’re claiming and everyone but everyone is trying to not get a file past the prison guards but a Nikon or any other kind of camera. As I don’t know how jail works, I’m assuming that cell phones are out of the question so no one can even snap a picture of her in the visitation area when her pals come to visit. The thing that makes this celeb prison time seem less interesting to me is that she is so self-centered and stupid. Although she has shown savvy in creating a high profile career for herself based on having no talent, I doubt in her single cell she’ll have a large opportunity to get chummy with her prison mates like Martha Stewart did. And besides, at least Martha could teach them how to spruce up their cell, what does Paris have to offer to these people that would be of value? “No, those sunglasses are far too small for you. Unless they cover your entire face and parts of the sides of your head, they just aren’t big enough.” No, I can’t see Paris being a prison favorite. No pancho for Paris Hilton – Don’t Get Me Started!

The prison has claimed that although she’ll have a private room, she’ll have to abide by all the same rules as other prisoners including eating the same meals and observing bedtime at the same time as her prison gal pals. (Of course she won’t be mixing and mingling too much with the prison population) So does that mean that although she’ll be just like every other prisoner she’ll be getting meals delivered in to her cell? And at Paris’ weight does she look like she really eats anyway?

There have been additional rumors that Paris will spend her time writing in a journal so that she can publish a book upon her release from prison about her experiences. As I’ve never been one to get all starry eyed over the stars and their lives on a regular basis, when all she has to write about is herself, it could make for a very dull book. I see lots of doodling…smiley faces (drawn to look thinner than usual smiley faces) and lots and lots of stick figures. Think of Van Gogh’s self portrait and then think of Paris’ – a stick figure with a lot of hair and glasses with a disclaimer that says, “Actual Size.” Some have said that she might actually have trouble finding a publisher for her tome but I find that hard to believe.

The bottom line here is that no one and I mean no one, whether it be the media, people around the water cooler or on school playgrounds should have any sympathy for Paris’ predicament. She claims that she wants hers to be a cautionary tale for young people. Oh it is, believe me. Because I’m sure the majority of the youth in America are hotel heiresses that will encounter these problems. Yeah, right. And yet, it is a cautionary tale because although they may not come from the same wealth or privilege that Paris does at least now they will see that even Paris can get caught and so can they, except they won’t get a private cell.

In a world where we treat our reality stars as if they’ve got talent because they put their every day spoiled lives on television screens, we can only hope that The Simple Life Prison Edition teaches Paris more than when she and Nicole trashed people’s businesses, property and lives on their show. Is it wrong of me to hope that they make her scrub a toilet or two during her stay so that she really gets a taste of the simple life? Isn’t that what the other prisoners have to do and after all, isn’t she supposed to be treated just like the rest of them? Let’s hope we don’t have to hear Entertainment Tonight and the rest of the shows speculate on what she’s doing every day for the next twenty-three days. Let’s hope we can enter a world that is Paris-free for a few weeks and when it’s all over, all the press can meet her at the door of the prison and see her take her jubilant steps to freedom. The only thing we can really be sure of is that she will not be wearing things made by her pals from the inside she’ll no doubt have designers tripping over themselves to design her coming out outfit. No pancho for Paris Hilton – Don’t Get Me Started!

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Starbucks Peppermint Mocha…The New Prozac? – Don’t Get Me Started!

So I’ve been off the coffee (for the most part) for weeks now, (which is something) considering I used to drink it every day. Now let me say that you have to clean your system out before you attempt this one. I was off the coffee for over a week before I tried the once or twice a week thing, I guess you could call me a “social” coffee drinker now. But here’s the deal, I have always just gotten iced “Americanos” (shots of espresso that somehow make me feel patriotic due to the name) at Starbucks. Never been one for the latest blended or farchachta flavor of the month drinks. That is with one exception, I have always loved the Peppermint Mocha. (After all, I have always said that the Junior Mint is the one perfect food created by God…chocolatey and minty at the same time…this goes for Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies as well) They used to only have the Peppermint Mocha in December around the holidays but now they offer it year round. And what I’ve discovered (even before I was off my seven day a week habit) is that when I’m down, feeling low, a Peppermint Mocha will change my outlook and perspective on life toot suite! Starbucks Peppermint Mocha…the new Prozac? – Don’t Get Me Started!

I’m sure it’s a whole chemical thing with the caffeine and sugar racing through my body (I like to imagine it like Dennis Quaid racing through Martin Short’s body in the movie, Innerspace) but whatever it is and although sometimes it may only last for a few hours, I love it, love life and myself and can that be so wrong? Oh I know some of you are thinking, “This guy is nuts, get him on a therapist’s couch or something, he sounds like he’s talking about crack for Chrissakes.” But all I can say (in my defense) is that if loving the Peppermint Mocha is wrong, I don’t want to be right!

I’m sure that there are plenty of studies showing how caffeine is slowly rotting our insides out or making our nervous system move too fast for our own good or at the very least giving us cancer (what doesn’t nowadays?). And that we’ll find out that there’s some odd preservative that Starbucks puts in their coffee that actually makes it more addicting than watching reality television but for now, I’ll take whatever happiness I can get my hands on, no matter if it’s manufactured or going to eventually cause me to end up in the Screen Actors’ Home For The Aged (I’ve paid my dues all these years with nothing to show for it so I always say I’m going to make them take me into one of their senior homes so that at least I will have gotten something from paying my dues). I’ll be walking around like the living dead with my cardboard Starbucks coffee cup in my hand saying, “Starbucks is made from people!” (Read that blog here…Have you ever tried getting off of the Starbucks? Well, I have...) Not a pretty future but I’m going to be like the young (or Scarlett O’Hara) and not worry about the future while I’m on my Starbucks Peppermint Mocha high. No, I’ll just say. “Fiddle Dee Dee, I’ll think about that tomorrow.” as I make that undeniable noise that comes from sucking the last few drops with a straw from the bottom of a plastic cup with only ice and the last few remnants of the drink that was so delicious.  
 

Sure in this day and age I’m sure it wouldn’t be difficult to have my doctor put me on something to make me feel better about daily life but when I have all of you to read my rants (send cash…okay, so there’s not a lot of this coming in but you can’t blame a boy for trying) and Peppermint Mochas do I really need medication? Okay, don’t answer that one. But do me a favor, the next time you feel kind of (or really) crappy about yourself or life in general go to the corner to your local Starbucks. Starbucks Peppermint Mocha…the new Prozac? – Don’t Get Me Started!

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